Watch Out For Jesus, He Will Fuck You Up
My roommate and I were sitting in our room one day watching Futurama and getting huge boners because that show is so funny, you can't help but ejaculate whenever it comes on TV. There was a knock-knock-knocking at our door, so my roommate went to answer it. Standing outside were two Christians in suits. They wanted to talk to us about Jesus and make us convert to Christianity.We said no thank you, Jesus is for losers. Then we each made an "L" with our thumb and forefinger, and placed it upon our forehead as we pointed to the two Christians, indicating that they were, in fact, losers. This pissed the Christians off and they said we had one last chance to accept Jesus into our lives. I responded by dropping my pants and peeing all over them.
Now they were really mad. They said that since we didn't want to do this the easy way, they would convert us the hard way. The two Christians then stepped back as Jesus entered our room. He stood over seven feet tall and looked exactly like NBA superstar, Charles Barkley, just as I always thought Jesus would look.
Jesus was even more super pissed off than the Christians. He bellowed out in a voice that resembled the voice of Barry White, making what he said sound very sexy. He yelled out, "I am going to fill you with my hate."
I recognized that sentence from the movie, Vulgar. (That was what the one guy in the movie said before he proceeded to rape the clown in the ass. Don’t ever watch this movie.) So, I knew what Jesus was going to do, and I jumped underneath my bed to seek cover.
My roommate was not so lucky; Jesus pistol whipped him in the head, knocking my roommate to the ground. Jesus then jumped on him and began raping him the ass. My roommate started to scream out, but I don't think he minded it that much, because my roommate is a homosexual gay man.
I watched all this with horror and slight arousal, from under my bed. I knew I had to do something. Luckily, I found The Ultimate Sword underneath my bed. I grasped the sword in my hands, and jumped out from under my bed. I yelled out to Jesus. He stopped molesting my roommate and stood up. I chopped of his head. The end.