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JAWS title

JAWS is the greatest game ever. No other game comes close. It is the Jesus of video games. It is so sought after that copies of games are occasionally used in business deals. "I'll sell you the goods for 5,000 dollars and a copy of JAWS," a business man might say to his associate. One time famed terrorist, Jaleem Hakumanumkka, captured a German Ambassador and several nuns who were visiting the Middle East. Jaleem demanded several thousand dollars, guns, ammunition, bombs, a tank and three copies of JAWS. German Prime Minister Gerhard Schroeder stated that his nation simply could not part with that many copies of JAWS at one time, so the ambassador and nuns were brutally killed.

Those of you not familiar with the game may wonder what all the fuss is about. So, as a public service to the less fortunate, I shall review the game. Now I don't own a copy of the game, all actual cartridges have been bought by millionaires, and the richest kings of Europe. I have however played the ROM so much that I have become a certified JAWS expert.

JAWS screencapAs you begin the game the recognizable JAWS theme greets you, guaranteed to bring fearful chills to your weak human spine. Luckily the theme doesn't last long before the game switches to a more cheerful jazz rift as the screen shows your mighty boat and how many lives you have. Then the actual game begins. You control the boat and navigate it around the mighty seas. It won't be long before you hit something, and the game really gets interesting. You character, Scubaman, leaps form the ship hell bent on finding what has hit his ship. He leaps into the water ready to take on the full force of JAWS'S minions. You see, JAWS is much more then a simple shark. He is dark master of the sea and all those who dwell in them. The evil creatures you face in the game are:

Make sure you turn in your conch shells for power ups and trackers.

JAWS manta ray

Manta ray: This creature darts back and forth across the screen hoping to ambush Scubaman. They are easy to dodge but will often work with the Jellyfish. It takes two hits to take out these guys, so watch out.

JAWS jelly fish

Jellyfish: These tricksters posses the mighty power to travel through the ocean floor. At any moment one may come from below the ocean floor, with one thing on its mind, the death of Scubaman. At first they are easy to dodge, but later on they get smart and start using crazy ass zigzag patterns. It only takes one hit to kill them.

baby JAWS

Baby Jaws: Bet you didn't know that JAWS was father. Unfortunately for Scubaman JAWS had lots of kids, and they all want to help daddy take over the world. It take loads of hits to kill them, but if they do you usually get to go to the bonus round where you fly around in an airplane and throw bombs at jellyfish. Why you are bombing Jellyfish is never explained, its just one of the crazy things that happens in the world of JAWS.


JAWS screencapJAWS: The big guy himself. Expect to face him several times before you are able to whittle his life bar all the way down. JAWS's strategy of attack is a simple one. He charges from one side of the screen to the other, and then he comes back. It's a well known fact that sharks only turn around when nobody is looking so he has to get out of you view before he comes back. This allows you some time to get ready, to attack. If you do happen to defeat JAWS you better be ready for phase two. The perspective now switches to a first person view, with JAWS charging right at the camera. Don't worry, he can't hurt you. The first time I got to this point I got so scared I ended up shooting a firearm at the screen several times before I realized JAWS wasn't going to come out of the game, and get me. What you have to do is press the strobe button which causes the Great White beast to leap out of the seas. Now the time is ripe to ram your boat into his body, tearing him in half, thusly ridding the seas of JAWS evil presence, for now.

Wait until JAWS is lined up with your boat, and is at the second line in the water before strobeing him. If he is any farther away or closer you will miss him.
Game Rating:

Graphics: 9/10: Everything in the game is so beautiful that museums have been known to take pictures of the game and hang those up instead of paintings.

Fun: 10/10: Until there is a game invented in which you control Jesus and John Stamos riding dune buggies and fighting robot Nazis, this will remain the most fun game ever.

Difficulty: 10/10: When I say this game is tough, I mean its REALLY tough. It makes Mega Man 2 look like a walk in the park. It took me about two years of intense playing to be able to beat it, and I am awesome at Nintendo games. In fact I have gone down in the history books as the first noncyborg to ever beat JAWS.

Final Thoughts: A game like JAWS only comes around once in a blue moon, as the country folks say. This is by far one of the greatest games ever made. It's a shame that the awesomeness of it is offset by the horrible fear induced by the presence of JAWS making it a game feared by everybody, except Bruce Willis, he fears nothing.

JAWS screencap

GAME HINT: Legends speak of a submarine, find it and victory may come your way much quicker.