Adam Sandler May Make a Funny Movie
Sandler to Star in 'Longest Yard' Remake
By The Associated Press
LOS ANGELES - Adam Sandler will star in a remake of the 1974 Burt Reynolds comedy The Longest Yard, the story of a former football player turned convict who challenges prison guards to a game.
Production will begin in June with Columbia Pictures, Sherry Lansing of Paramount's Motion Picture Group said Monday.
Sandler will play Paul Crewe, the retired football player, in a role Reynolds originally played 30 years ago.
Producers also are in discussion with comedian Chris Rock to play the role of Caretaker and rapper Snoop Dogg to play a member of the team.
"Although we plan to update quite a few things, the overall story will remain intact," said Jack Giarraputo, who co-owns the Happy Madison production company with Sandler. "We want to keep the same blend of comedy and grit that made the first one a classic."
This is some shocking news. The Longest Yard was a sweet movie because Burt Reynolds was in it. And Burt Reynolds kicks so much ass that one time a town built a statue to how much Burt Reynolds kicks ass, but then lighting hit the statue and it came to life and started kicking every ass in the town. Then it fucked all the high school girls with its concrete cock.
Adam Sandler will have a lot to live up to if he tries to fill in Reynolds's shoes. Sandler has made many fine films, but I have to say that his best days are behind him. He hit comedy gold with Happy Gilmore, Billy Madison, The Wedding Singer, and Big Daddy. But then he had to go and make Little Nicky, a movie that wasn't the least bit funny and sucked more a Thai hooker using a vacuum cleaner to clean up after she just gave someone oral sex, or something of that nature. The movie even had Rodney Dangerfield playing the crazy old grandpa Satan, and he couldn't even save that train wreck.
Then, Sandler tried to redeem himself by making Mr. Deeds, but somehow that movie turned out to be even less funny than Little Nicky. And it has to take serious effort to actually make a movie less funny that Little Nicky. Movies that aren't actually classified as comedies, such as Vanilla Ice's Cool as Ice (Tagline: How Do You Melt A Girl's Heart Of Stone? Just Add Ice.), KISS Meets the Phantom, and various PBS documentaries about disabled people, make me laugh more than Little Nicky.
If Adam Sandler wants this new version of The Longest Yard to be any good, then he has a few questions to answer about how he is going to go about creating this flick. The first question being that I am not sure how Sandler will work his penchant for making googly noises and acting like he has down syndrome, into a movie about prisoners playing football. If you have ever seen the original version of The Longest Yard, you would think that if a character like Billy Madison, Sonny Koufax, or even Bobby Boucher came into that prison, he would be ass raped more than something that gets ass raped a lot, like a gay hooker or a Catholic child.
Also, I wonder where Sandler will find roles to fit in all the former SNL members who can never get much work on their own, like John Lovitz and Rob Schnieder. Actually, Jon Lovitz was able to find work on The Critic, at least. But after Rob Schnieder left SNL, he never appeared in anything besides two minutes in an Adam Sandler film. Every once in awhile Schneider would bounce a check, so he'd have to go to Sandler and ask if he had any movies coming up. Finally Sandler said, "No. Now go make your own damn movie so you can move out of my basement." That's how The Animal came to be.
To hell with this remake. It's not going to be any good. Adam Sandler should just give up on trying to write new movies and should just make a bunch of films based on that Weekend Update sketch where he demonstrated all those crazy cheap Halloween costumes. In this movie, he could be a tricker treater, and with each house he goes too, he dons a new cheap costume. For instance, he will tuck one arm under his t-shirt and say, "Hey, look at me! I only got one arm, and I'm crazy! Now give me some candy, or I'll grab you with my crazy one-arm!" Then, he'll put spoons on top of his head and say, "I'm Crazy Spoon-Head! And I want some candy! I don't have a normal head, I got a damn spoon growing out of it! Now, give me some crazy candy, dammit! Ow-ooo, this spoon makes me crazy!"
You will never run out of great material for a movie with that formula. Or he could do a Cajun man movie, which would also be sweet. The reoccurring character movies usually suck, but both these ideas would make awesome movies and would be far better than Little Nicky, which sucked ass.
