The Greatest Negros
We are nearing the end of February, which is Black History Month, the month we celebrate African American contributions to our country. African Americans are people that came to America from Africa hundreds of years ago under less than pleasant circumstances. And we honor their memory by noticing that there is an extra Denzel Washington or Spike Lee movie on TV this month, while deciding to watch something more interesting. That's about as far as this holiday goes. What do you expect? It's not much of a holiday. Nobody gives out gifts or gets time off work. There isn't even any candy involved. At the very least the NAACP should hand out chocolate Martin Luther King Jr. candy bars to all the children. They could make Black History Month the next Easter instead of the token Congressionally mandated calendar filler it is.At least it's better than what happens during Hispanic Heritage Month. Did you know there was such a thing? I didn't. Nobody even started mentioning that there was an Hispanic Heritage Month until a few year ago, when Ricky Martin and all that shit was on the radio. And the only person they teach kids about that month is Caesar Chavez. The Hispanics only have one major civil rights leader, and it's a guy who worked to bring better pay to migrate workers. Their one civil rights leader is a guy who worked help a bunch of Mexican stereotypes keep being stereotypes, but with an extra 50 cents a week. That's cold.
Anyway, forget about the dirty Mexicans, we need to reflect more on African American contributions to this country that don't involve hip hop or the grape soda industry. To this end, I have compiled a list of several of the greatest blacks ever, in no particular order.
Black Green Lantern
A few years back, some people at Warner Brothers decided to change the Green Lantern from a white guy to a black guy. As far as I can tell, this was done to add some diversity to the new Superfriends show for Cartoon Network. The old 70's and 80's Superfriends had Black Vulcan as the token Negro. Black Vulcan didn't have any properly defined superpowers except being able to occasionally throw lighting bolts and forgetting to be drawn into most episodes. He might have been able to fly, it depended on who was producing the Superfriends when the writers at Hanna Barbara got high and made that show. Also his uniform consisted of a yellow and black woman's aerobics outfit. This is not the kind of guy you want to represent the black race. Looks like it's time to just take a white superhero and turn him black.
Now that Green Lantern is black, he lives in Harlem in a little low income apartment. It's a pretty shitty place to live. Especially when you see how big the condo that Superman lives in. And Batman gets to live in a damn mansion. Green Lantern went up to Batman and asked if he could move into Batman's mansion, talking about how his apartment never has hot water and an insect problem. Batman looked the other way when he said, "Um...you see, I tend to socialize with a lot of rich white businessmen and we tend to have unspoken rules about who we all associate with. So, I kind of have this policy where I don't allow black people into my house." That hurt. Even Flash apparently just lives in Flash's Youth Center, and even that place is better than Green Lantern's pad.
This whole raw deal has made Black Green Lantern a lot angrier than White Green Lantern. Notice that glow around him. That is not fueled by the ring. That is fueled by the power of Black Rage.
Lando Calrissian
He is smuggler, and gambler, and a lover. Lando is a super cool Negro because he knows how to be a true leader. He blew up the second Death Star using a spaceship he took from a white guy. And he will do what it takes to save Cloud City, even if it means freezing some white boy in carbonite.
For along time, it was hotly debated over whether Boba Fett or Lando was the coolest cat in Star Wars. That matter has been settled now that George Lucas pissed on Fett in Episode II by making him a little bitch ass as a child, and Lando is now officially the coolest motherfucker in Star Wars. At least until Lucas gays him up in Episode III, which is always possible. If that happens, then the coolest character in Star Wars will fall to that yellow alien woman who sang at Jabba's Palace in Return of the Jedi and has six titties.
Lando
loves the white womens.
Mr. T
What can I say about Mr. T that hasn't already been written about him in the Bible?
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Dolemite
He is a cool motherfucker. Obviously the long lost brother of Mr. T, Dolemite is NOT to be fucked with. If you try to cross him, he will either kill you on the spot with his own bad ass, or he will call out his army of kung fu foxy ladies to mess you the fuck up.
Gary Coleman
Gary Coleman taught young blacks kids valuable lessons on his hit TV show Diff'rent Strokes. Namely, how to take from the rich white man.
Carl Winslow
Carl Winslow is the ever
wise patriarch of Family Matters, a hit TGIF family sitcom from the
90s. During the day he is a police officer, dispensing his own personal
brand of justice on the mean streets of Chicago. At night, he is a father,
dispensing his own personal brand of justice in his home. Whenever Eddie is
out drinking to much or coming close to failing high school, Carl Winslow is
ready to dispense whatever punishment necessary, being either a grounding or
exiling Eddie from the house.
Carl Winslow is tough but fair. He is also works to protect his daughter
from the creepy sexual advances of Steve Urkel, the nerdy chap who found a badly needed father
figure in Carl Winslow, even though Carl Winslow did not like him one bit.
Carl Winslow was played by Reginald VelJohnnson, a man so cool he decided to capitalize the fourth letter in his last name.