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An Open Letter to Kevin Smith: My Memorandum on Jersey Girl

Dear Mr. Smith,

Jersey Girl posterYou should come across this because you look like a man that spends a lot of time on the internet.

I good while ago, I read an internet message board post made by a person who attended a test screening of the movie Jersey Girl, your up coming flick starring Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez. The message board poster made several points about the film I must address. I haven't seen this movie yet, but I cannot ignore what I have learned about it.

Let's break down this movie into its two main points.

Jason Mewes
Look at him with his long flowing golden locks. Isn't he magnificent?
1.) No Jason Mewes

This pissed me off more than anything. You can't have a Kevin Smith movie and not cast Jason Mewes, fucker. For the love of God, Smith, the man needs work, and the only person who will hire him to act is you. What, did you not want to hang around him again, like you did in your days before the likes of Ben Affleck and Shannon Doherty would answer your phone calls? I know Jason Mewes must be great to hang out with because for the commentary for the Clerks cartoon DVD, he only says about five words. I don't even think he was given a microphone to talk into, but at least he made some money that month.

And I like the Clerks cartoon DVD because I was able to buy it for 9 bucks at Target and it has given me more joy than any other DVD for a TV series has. Also, most TV show DVDs cost around $40, but yours is selling for less than the cost of a CD. This is of course because Clerks was cancelled, and I did not like it being cancelled either. It was a thorn on my side. ABC really cancelled that show fast too. Even Fox, which cancels any show that shows a remote possibility of being entertaining and isn't named The Simpsons, will at least usually allow a show five episodes on TV. You should have tried to pitch the Clerks cartoon to another network after it was cancelled. That way you could still be making that TV show and Jason Mewes wouldn't have to be living on the street.

In fact, you could have been kind enough to find roles for Brian O'Halloran and Jeff Anderson as well. Those two guys get even less acting work than Jason Mewes. I bet the three of them spend the time they aren't working for you sitting around their one bedroom apartment reminiscing about the movies they have been in. Someone will say "Hey remember when we were filming Clerks?" "Yeah that was cool." The Jeff will say, "Yeah, how about when I was in Dogma?" Mewes will reply, "Yeah I was in that one too. That was cool. Ever see Drawing Flies?" One of the other will say, "Yeah congrats on getting that one. It was a good show. High five." Then Brian will say, "I was in Vulgar. How about that movie?" And then the conversation will cease.

You could lift these three from out of the poverty line by giving them acting work. Instead, you made another fucking movies staring Ben Affleck. That guy can get plenty of work being in shitty action movies, while Mewes and the rest will only be allowed to live on welfare for so long under several different names before the government catches up with them.

2.) Jennifer Lopez dies in the beginning

I like this idea. Now you have hit gold, Kevin Smith, and this almost (but not quite, fucker) makes up for forcing Jason Mewes to spend the year forging for food on the street.

Jennifer Lopez dieing is how every Jennifer Lopez movie should start. Also how every movie ever made should start. It should also be how my day should start. Jennifer Lopez should just fucking die.

I don't know yet how Jennifer Lopez dies in your movie, but it can't better than the idea I have for her death scene, because my idea takes place in a  Wal-Mart parking lot. Too see how it should go down, check out this animated .gif scenario.

In conclusion, I hope you take this advise to heart so you don't make the same mistakes in the future.

Yours Truly,
Billie Green
Jersey Girl poster
You made Jersey Girl a story of a man who wanted it all and got more than he bargained for.
Jersey Girl poster
Because you did not cast Jason Mewes, you could not make it a Cinderella story with big hair.