Pirates Are 100% Kickass: the Guide to Pirates
Piracy and Kidnapping Soar on the High Seas
By Neil Chatterjee
Violent piracy on the high seas has soared and more ships are being hijacked to kidnap the crew for ransom, an ocean crime watchdog said Wednesday.
The International Maritime Bureau (IMB) said the number of reported ship attacks jumped to 445 in 2003, 20 percent higher than the previous year and the second highest level since it began compiling statistics in 1991.
The number of seafarers killed also climbed to 21, with another 71 crew or passengers listed as missing, while 88 were injured. This compared to 10 killed and 38 injured the previous year. The number of hostages taken also nearly doubled to 359 in 2003.
"The figures show an increase in the number of the attacks and violence of the attacks. We call upon the countries with piracy problems to give greater priority to policing their waters," said IMB director Captain Pottengal Mukundan.
The IMB said the number of ships hijacked for the theft of the vessel and its cargo had dramatically reduced, but that more vulnerable boats such as tugs and barges were being targeted and crews were being abducted for ransom.
It said kidnappings were believed to largely be the work of militia groups in politically sensitive areas. "The motivation of a militia attack is different to that of commercial pirates," Mukundan told Reuters in an interview.
"This is a revenue source for them -- but they are not interested in stealing the ship or its cargo. They are locally based groups, who don't want to go to other ports and don't have the contacts to dispose of the cargo," he said, pointing to the separatist movement in Aceh, Indonesia, as an example.
Indonesian waters continue to be the most dangerous with 121 reported attacks in 2003. The Malacca Straits, between Indonesia and Malaysia and one of the world's most strategically important shipping lanes, saw a rise to 28 attacks in 2003. Thirty percent of the world's trade and 80 percent of Japan's crude oil is transported through the narrow waterway.
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Bangladesh was ranked as having the second highest number of attacks in 2003 with 58 and Nigeria came third with 39. Attacks off Nigeria almost tripled compared to the previous year and the IMB regards it as the most dangerous area in Africa for piracy and armed robbery.
Mukundan said commercial pirates are often backed by organized international crime gangs, that obtain false papers for a ship, so they can change its route to a new port. The gangs are attracted to cargoes that are easy to resell, such as fuel oil, rice or sugar, Mukundan said.
Modern-day pirates often attack using sub-machine guns and rocket-propelled grenades. The IMB said the number of attacks using guns rose to 100 from 68 the previous year.
However, some countries saw a reduction in piracy. Somalia had a 50 percent drop in reported attacks, although the IMB said the eastern and north-eastern coast of the African country remained a high-risk area for hijackings and kidnapping of crew for ransom.
Other countries with fewer attacks in the past year included Cameroon, Ivory Coast, Ecuador, Guyana and Thailand. Malaysian waters saw a fall to only five attacks, with none reported in the last six months of 2003, which the IMB said was due to vigilant patrols by the Malaysian marine police.
"Some kinds of attacks and attacks in certain areas have dramatically reduced. This proves once again that when law enforcement agencies take these attacks seriously there will be a corresponding reduction in attacks," Mukundan said.
An average everyday Pirate. Bow down.
I don't know about you, but whenever I think about Pirates, I get a boner. That is because pirates are some of the most kickass people in the world. Pirates are real men. All they do all day is sail around the world, steal treasure, and rape women. Plus they can shoot fireballs out of their fists. Thinking about Pirates just gets me so aroused that I shit my pants.
When a Pirate isn't going around pillaging and raping, he is sailing on his Pirate Ship getting ready to pillage and rape. Pirates never bathe either, they just let their man stink accumulate like a real man should.
Pirates are the toughest people on Earth. Just look at the facts: no French or Koreans have ever made it as Pirates.
But I have noticed that many people have misconceptions about Pirates. Luckily, Billy Green is here to set you straight. I have compiled a fact sheet about Pirates to help you learn about the most badass people on the planet.
The Things Every Pirate Needs:
1.) A Parrot.
Not all parrots have a microphone. OR DO THEY?
A Parrot is a Pirate's best friend. It sits on a Pirate's shoulder and backs a Pirate up when a Pirate says something. For instance, if a Pirate tells someone, "Arg! You are going to walk the plank!" the parrot will then say, "Squawk! Walk the plank!"
A Pirate has a great advantage in having a pet that can talk, and a parrot is a Pirate's most loyal friend. A Parrot will never leave a good Pirate's shoulder, and will stay put in battle or when a Pirate is diving underwater to fight a shark with his bare hands (Pirates don't fight sharks for any other reason then because people like you are too weak to and it's fun). If a parrot ever abandons its Pirate, then a Pirate has been dishonored and much commit ritual Pirate suicide by walking the plank and letting the sea consume his soul.
2.) A Rusty Sword
SWISH!
A Rusty Sword is used to kill an enemy whenever a Pirate runs out of energy to shoot fireballs. A Pirate will also use his sword when he wants the personal touch in fighting his enemy that fireballs just don't have and when hand to hand combat just doesn't feel appropriate. Every Pirate sword should be curved like the picture at the side. This is to minimize wind resistance when slicing some punk ass dude up.
3.) Rum
Rum is what gives Pirates their badass magical powers and shit. Rum is the strongest alcohol ever. It is so strong that if a regular pussy like you were to drink it, you would throw up your liver and die right on the spot. But a Pirate is so badass, he can drink rum and all it will make him do is shoot his load.
4.) A Bachelor's Degree in Accounting
Pirates come across a lot of loot. This loot will have to be distributed to each Pirate based on rank, and a portion will have to go into an investment fund for upkeep of the Pirate Ship and supplies. Another fraction of the loot may be set aside and earmarked for future investments, and a rainy day fund. Bills also have to be paid. If a Pirate isn't a skilled accountant, he will waste valuable Pirate loot, and then the other Pirates will have to wail on him.
5.) A Pirate Ship
You can't get anywhere as a Pirate without a ship. A Pirate Ship is not only a Pirate's home, it is also his mode of travel, even on land. It is what Pirates use to pillage.
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And no Pirate Ship is complete without a fear inducing Pirate Flag. People should be able to see that Flag on top of a Pirate Ship and shit their pants in fear. Usually, a Pirate will decorate their flag with the design of a skull and crossbones, which will scare anyone. On my God, a skeleton is coming!
I made my own Pirate Flag, with a design that shows off what a tough Pirate I would be.
The figure on my flag is Kirby, the lovable Nintendo character. Kirby is a real badass, like a Pirate. You don't fuck with Kirby unless you want to become swallowed by Kirby and turned into Kirby poo.
6.) A Pirate Cove
A Pirate Cove is a good place for a Pirate to hideout when Johnny Law is on his trail. It is primarily found in a small Carribean island, hidden behind tropical trees and situated in a lagoon. At a Pirate Cove, all the Pirates get together and drink rum and tell tales of their exploits and high seas adventures. Periodically, they also gather to compete in the Pirate Games.
What Pirates Like:
My conception of a Pirate. You just messed your pants.
Dio makes the rock music that gets Pirates in the mood to pillage.
2.) Treasure
Treasure is what motivates Pirates to pillage. Often times, they will have fun by burrying it to keep it safe, but these days a Swiss bank account will often do. Without treasure, Pirates can't buy rum and new swords and sweet wooden peg legs when they get tired of their flesh and blood legs and chew them off.
3.) Rape
If there is one thing a Pirate looks forward to after many months on the high seas, it is forcing himself into a fine looking woman. While your average pirate would have no trouble finding a women who is turned on by a Pirate (after all, most women instantly cum uncontrollably anytime the word "Pirate" is mentioned, and those that do not are lesbians.), a Pirate doesn't go for that gay ass dating or courtship. They just find a lady and rape her. No flowers, no sweet talk, just good old fashioned rape, like your grandpa did to your grandma in times long since past.
What Pirates Hate:
1.) Fat Chicks
Pirates hate fat chicks more than anything because fat chicks eat up all our food that Pirates need so they can have the energy to kill minorities and fuck hot chicks. If a Pirate ever sees a fat chick, he'll give that tub of shit one chance to change her ways. If she refuses, then BAM! the Pirate kills her by lobbing a bunch of fireballs at her fat ass.
2.) Tom Selleck
Tom Selleck earns a Pirate's hatred because Tom Selleck is nothing but a big rip off of Burt Reynolds, all around badass and the Pirate God. Selleck has copied Reynold's look and style for far too long. Plus, Selleck likes fat chicks. This just makes a Pirate's blood boil. If a Pirate ever saw Tom Selleck on the street, he would lob so many fireballs at the bastard that the whole planet would blow up into a fireball in and of itself.
3.) The Man
The Man is always trying to keep his treasure away from the Pirates. He is also enacting anti-Pirate laws and sending no good Navy and Coast Guard ships after Pirate Ships to try to bring the Pirates down. But the Man will never succeed in wiping out Piracy, he will only make a fool out of himself trying to foil it.
4.) The RIAA
The RIAA has been coming down hard lately on Pirates. They blame Pirates for the music industry's decline in revenue. This is absurd. What do Pirates care about modern day music? They only listen to merry jig music and Ronnie James Dio. Besides, songs like "Blow the Man Down" are in the public domain since its copyright expired in 1612.
The Pirates of Dark Water:
The Pirates of Dark Water was a kickass children's cartoon about a bunch of Pirates who sailed around the world raping women and shit. It was on TV in the early 90's but the filmmakers were able to capture the true essence of what is was like to a Pirate back in the Golden Age of Piracy, the 1970's.
You can mess with this Pirate. That is, if you want your dick cut off and served to you on a plate.
Fun Facts About Pirates:
1. God is a Pirate.
2. Pirates own the Moon.
3. Pirates can fly over short distances, though they rarely do this because they prefer to sail. In fact it was a Pirate that taught the flying squirrel to fly after it led a Pirate to a whole barn full of fat chicks.
4. Pirates will fuck you up big time. Don't cross their path.
5. Pirates fought in and won all of America's wars. After the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor, America was all out of ships, so President Roosevelt turned to his top generals, who were all Pirates, and asked them to assemble a Pirate Fleet to kill the Japanese. The Pirates came through and thanks to them, the world was safe once again for democracy.
6. Pirates killed the dinosaurs.
Pirate Ship vs. A Submarine
I imagine the only question left in your mind is: what would be the outcome if a Pirate Ship battled a submarine? Luckily, I have drawn this real world presentation of what the outcome would be:
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The Church of Burt Reynolds