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Power Rangers Characters You Never Thought Were Gay Until Now

When you are young, you watch a lot of TV. And because you don't know too much about how the world really works, you tend to not comprehend certain things that come on TV. For instance, you don't always understand that actors have real lives outside of the show they are on. I know that the first time I saw Showgirls, that movie fucked me up because it starred the girl who played Jessie Spano on Saved by the Bell. I never imagined Jessie, the chick who was a rabid feminist and nearly had an aneurysm trying to get into Stanford, would ever have become a stripper. When she was trying out to be a Vegas dancer, I expected her to just flip out while singing "I'm so excited" with a mouth full of caffeine pills. Later, I just learned that the actress who played the part really needed money.

Anyway, this is not about Saved by the Bell, but I will probably get around to that show in due time. This article is about one of the most insane and hyperactive TV shows to ever come to America from Japan, and that is saying a lot considering the crazy shit we import from Japan. I am talking, of course, about:

The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers

The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, and all the characters from the first few seasons that, when you were watching it as a child, you wouldn't have thought they were gay, but looking back...you have to wonder.

I stopped watching the show a little before the first movie came out in 1995. So, I'm not going to go into the series after that because it just gets too damn weird. Apparently the producers change the premise and title of the show every year even though each series now mostly has to with fighting in outer space or some shit. Plus the last time I did watch a full episode many years ago, Bulk and Skull were both chimpanzees and there was some British girl that kept turning into a cat. I did actually see part of a very recent episode where Tommy, the White Ranger, was training three new kids to be Power Rangers. But that doesn't quite count because it was just a clip show episode where the new kids get to see Tommy's story of becoming the evil Green Ranger, becoming the good Green Ranger, the week he had no powers, and finally becoming the good White Ranger.

I am getting off topic here. The following are all the characters from the original seasons of the Power Rangers that you never could have thought were gay as a kid, but as an adult, it is kind of striking that you would have missed it.

Gay Power Ranger Characters:

Billy Blue RangerBilly, the Blue Ranger

I never liked this guy. He was my least favorite Power Ranger. I even preferred the Yellow Ranger over him, which is pretty hard because I don't remember the Yellow Ranger ever having an episode centered around herself, except for one where she was afraid of climbing a rope. Also, her name was Trini. My list of favorite Rangers in order are: The White/Green Ranger, Black Ranger, Red Ranger, Pink Ranger, Yellow Ranger and the Blue Ranger. Pink Ranger isn't on the bottom of the list is because even though she was a rather annoying Ranger, the girl was hot. Plus, she got to bang White Ranger, which is quite an honor, and something Billy could only have wet dreams about.

The producers eventually realized that the Blue Ranger was a fruit, so when it was time to hand out the new Thunderzords in Season 2, Blue Ranger was forced to ride around in a giant unicorn. Red Ranger got a goddamn dragon that could fly AND turn into a giant fighting robot, while Black Ranger got a lion, because it was an important symbol of his African roots. Billy gets stuck with an important symbol of his gay roots with the giant unicorn. Unicorn Tunderzord's main weapon was a gun that shot out rainbows and tolerance.

Eventually, Billy lost his morphin powers and was forced to just hang around the command center with Alpha, as they talked about boys. Which brings us to:

Alpha

Alpha was the robot Zordon had around to run the command center since Zordon was just a big floating head in a box and couldn't really push any of the buttons on the command center console. Somehow, he was still able to build an annoying robot to push the buttons for him. Alpha has all the qualities of a reject from some educational children's show: short height, annoying catchphrase, completely useless in the real world, and extremely homosexual leanings. Hell, I would take Elmo over Alpha any day, because you could at least eat Elmo. Plus, you'd imagine that it probably got pretty hot under there for the midget who had to wear that big nipple helmet.

Alpha

Squatt, Baboo, and Finster

These three were Rita and Lord Zedd's hired help at the moonbase. Baboo is the effeminate monkey wearing lipstick, Finster is the albino gypsy, and I don't know what the hell Squatt is. I suspect Squatt was just a  blue gimp with Down syndrome that Baboo and Finster kept around have their way with.

Squatt Baboo Finster

Bulk and SkullBulk and Skull

Bulk is the fat one, and Skull is the little one. You can tell pretty easily who is the butch and who is the bitch in that relationship. Bulk reinforces his dominance by constantly hitting and abusing Skull. Skull, for his part, takes it like a bitch, because he is too emotionally dependent on their relationship to leave. Bulk, for his part, is just confused about his feelings for Skull and acts them out with abuse.

You know, Bulk and Skull were shown to us as the jerks who always ended up getting their comeuppance from the Power Rangers, but now I know that the Rangers were being the assholes all along. Here are two slightly retarded high school "teenagers" who don't understand their own sexuality yet, and are the Rangers at all sympathetic or helpful? No. Instead of directing them to a counselor or giving them a GLAAD pamphlet, they just laugh at the two at every turn and occasionally spill food onto them. The Power Rangers are nothing but a bunch of homophobes. No wonder Billy had to stay in the closet. You think the Rangers would be a little more tolerant, considering that from this article, we know that they were surrounded by fags on a daily basis.

Saba the Asshole Sword

Saba sucks. I don't want to talk about him. He is so annoying, he is like if Uncle Joey and Kimberly from Full House combined into a talking sword. He's that annoying. Go away Saba, no one likes you.

Saba the Asshole Sword

Not Actually Gay Power Rangers Characters:

ErnieErnie

Ernie was the proprietor of the Angel Grove Youth Center, where the Rangers spent all their time when they weren't fighting six foot lobsters, going to school, hanging at the command center listening to Zordon explain today's episode's plot, or occasionally cleaning up litter in the park. The Rangers never spent anytime elsewhere, such as at home with their families. Maybe we saw them at home once a season, but I would guess that a bunch of 20 year olds who still go to high school must be able to live on their own somehow.

Back to Ernie. While this guy is certainly single, that does not make him gay. He's just not attractive to women. Somehow fat guys in Hawaiian shirts don't get dates very often. But I am reminded of what Homer Simpson said about guys who wear Hawaiian shirts in the Simpsons episode "Homer's Phobia":
 

"There's only two kind of guys who wear those shirts: gay guys and big, fat party animals".

Ernie is defiantly big and fat and could very well be a party animal. Plus, Mr. T will be the first to tell you that there is nothing queer about running a youth center.

There is reason to suggest that Ernie is a pedophile, but certainly not gay.

Lord ZeddLord Zedd

Lord Zedd became the leader of the bad guys after he broke into Rita's moonbase and imprisoned her in something, I forget what preciously he did to Rita, but I guess he really didn't like having a chick around in his pad. Not that this makes him gay. Also, we never did see him with a woman until Rita put him under a spell to make him marry her. Not that this makes him gay either. He just has trouble with women. That doesn't make him gay at all.

For God's sake, you know how hard it is to find a girl that is attracted to a man with blistering red skin all over his body and sporting a metal thong? Buy some aloe and pants, Lord Zedd. I'm sure he and Goldar spend most Saturday nights hanging out at bars in Angel Grove trying to pick up single women. But it's to no avail because even the desperate fat girls don't want to sleep with a damn giant monkey with wings and a dude with the top of his skull missing, and who wears some freaking S&M mask with a penis on his face all day long. Zedd must be into some pretty freaky fetishes and he makes no effort to hide it. A female won't want to take a risk with someone into weird bedroom shit as nasty as Lord Zedd likes. Plus women get really pissed when he tries to buy them drinks the day after he sent Pudgy Pig to enslave Earth, then made Pudgy Pig grow 1000 feet tall so it destroyed several skyscrapers in Angel Grove, killing hundreds. The only possible way Lord Zedd can ever get off is by masturbating while watching Pink Ranger in the shower.

No one out there wants to sleep with Lord Zedd. And all he can do about it is clutch his fist in anger.

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