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The Adventures of Jack White

As I'm sure you all know, Jack White beat the shit out of Jason Von Bondie to the point that Von Bondie reportedly cried and had to go to the hospital, probably forever. Jack White beat Jason Von Bondie so bad, that when he heard about the news, Charles Manson said, "Fuck! Jack White is a crazy bad ass." Most people estimated that Jack White would be sent to jail, or possible some sort of super jail for super tough criminals. Instead Jack White was sentenced to anger management. This sentencing is sending a clear message: Jack White is above the law. He could go onstage while the president is giving a speech and beat him to death and still wouldn’t go to jail. The only question now is, who should Jack White go after next? Lucky for you, the reader, Jack White has invited me go along with him as he takes out musicians around the world.

Fight 1: Jack White VS Henry Rollins

Jack WhiteHenry Rollins

THE HISTORY

Henry Rollins is the result of the Incredible Hulk making love to She-Hulk. 15 minutes after the sex, a fully grown Henry Rollins burst out of She-Hulk and attacked the Incredible Hulk. Hulk survived, but would never again walk or regain use of his lungs. Henry Rollins then spent a few years wandering the United States before joining the band Black Flag at an impromptu addition at a Black Flag show where Henry Rollins murdered Black Flag's former lead singer. Black Flag taught Rollins to suppress his rage and express his intense anger at everything through music. Rollins vowed to speak only the truth in his songs, and to fight for justice whenever possible. 

THE FIGHT

Henry Rollins would present a large challenge for Jack. He is 300 pounds of pure muscle and has been known to kill elephants for fun. Jack would have to use his superior speed and submission moves to try to wear down Rollins. It would be an intense struggle that would take both fighters to their limits. It would end with Rollins giving White a thunderous blow to the head. White goes down. Rollins would go for the kill, but stop. The morals he learned in Black Flag would prove too strong. Instead of killing him, Rollins would reach down to help White up, BUT WAIT Jack White was playing possum the whole time. He takes advantage of Rollins momentary lapse of aggression and finishes him off with a vicious 7 Nation Slam to the spine.

The Winner
Jack White

Fight 2: Jack White VS Jon Bon Jovi

Jack WhiteJon Bon Jovi

THE HISTORY

Jon Bon Jovi was hoping to use the skills he learned fighting vampires in the movie Vampires: Los Muertos. Unfortunately for him Jack White is tougher then any vampire. Even a super powerful vampire who can move at lightening fast speeds, and has a desire to take over the world. On the surface this battle looked like it was going to be a bloodbath, with most of the blood being bathed in belonging to Jon Bon Jovi. However Bon Jovi had a trick up his sleeve. 

THE FIGHT

That trick I was alluding to earlier, it was none other then Emilio Estevez. You see he and Bon Jovi had become good friends on the set of Young Guns 2: Blaze of Glory. The two of them confidently walked up to Jack White wearing leather jackets with bandanas tied to the sleeves to signify just how tough they are. Jack White however was not imitated. Instead he appeared quite excited when he saw the duo coming towards him. Jack then proceeded to ask Emilio Estevez for his autograph while telling him how much he loved the Mighty Ducks movies. While reaching into his back pocket for a pen, Jack White gave Emilio a mighty right hook. Then he stood over the Estevez’s unconscious body while yelling "Another Stakeout sucked you stupid fuck!" Seeing his secret weapon lying on the ground in a pile of his own teeth, Jon Bon Jovi takes off running. Jack White takes chase, and quickly catches Bon Jovi, who falls to the ground in a fetal position to wait until White gets tired of beating him. Several minutes later Jack White stops beating Bon Jovi, gives a content sigh and exclaims that he will sleep good tonight.

The Winner
Jack White


Related article: Jack White Beats the Shit Out of Some Punk