The Web BtC

Jurassic Park 4? Jesus Christ Already

I have come across some news on the internet that a fourth Jurassic Park movie is going to be made. That is just ridiculous for so many, many reasons. For starters, the last Jurassic Park flick, Jurassic Park III, was a really bad movie. Therefore, it will be hard for any additional Jurassic Park sequel to not be terrible as well. It is movie law. Once you have a bad sequel, every following sequel will also suck, unless it's an 80's slasher movie series, and you can come out with something good, like Friday the 13th Part IX: Jason Goes to Hell after something as bad as Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan. Just look at how awful Attack of the Clones was following the shit fest of The Phantom Menace. Or what happened to House Party IV after House Party III.

And I don't want to have to remind you how bad The Neverending Story IV would have turned out after the train wreck that was The Neverending Story III. The Neverending Story III was so bad that they didn't even bother to make a fourth one because they knew what a disaster it would end up as. "God damn it," said the producers, "We're going to have to back peddle on our promise. The story is going to have to end. Fuck." The Jurassic Park people should take a lesson from those guys; they knew when to call it quits. And The Neverending Story III was a much better movie than Jurassic Park III, since it had Jack Black.

The other major problem with making a new Jurassic Park movie is that they have run out of islands that secretly hold dinosaurs. In the first movie they had one island full of dinosaurs. Then, in the second film, it turns out that there was another island, that no one knew about, full of dinosaurs! In the third movie, they went back to the second island to find even more secret dinosaurs they didn't notice in the second film. Are they going to have another hidden island full of dinosaurs for the fourth movie? How many islands did they secretly fill with dinosaurs for crying out loud? Two scientists from InGen are sitting around, and one of them says, "Hey, do you remember how many islands did we breed dinosaurs in?"

The second scientist thinks for a minute and says, "No, I guess we should have made a list or something." "Yeah we should have," agrees the first scientist.

I should mention that I really enjoyed the first two Jurassic Park movies in the series, but the studio needs to let the series die. They have run out of islands and run out of good ideas for any new movies. They should quit now before they run the series into the ground and give us something as bad as The Land Before Time 20 or Ernest Goes to the Foot Doctor. If they keep it up, pretty soon we'll be seeing Jurassic Park V: Dinosaurs in Australia.

Jurassic Park 5