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Billy Corgan is a Vampire

I hate to alarm anyone, but I have figured out something pretty big. Former Smashing Pumpkins lead singer and current bitter old man, Billy Corgan, is a goddamn vampire. I don't know how precisely he became a vampire, but I speculate that it happened around 1994 at the latest. This means that we have had a genuine, bloodsucking vampire galvanizing about in our mitts for a least a decade, and no one has tried to stop it. Dear God.

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From left to right: Billy Corgan, Vampire, Billy Corgan, Vampire. Can you tell the difference? No you fucking can't. Of course not. Be quiet and make me a sandwich.

He looks just like a vampire for crying out loud! But that's not all the evidence I have. Nay, I present more proof.

FACT: Billy Corgan has never been seen in daylight. Ever.
As you may know, sunlight makes vampires melt. And not even ultra cool rock 'n' roll sunglasses (shades) can protect a vampire from the mighty sun.

FACT: Billy Corgan can turn into a bat.
I don't know why this hasn't gotten more attention in the media, since being able to turn into a bat is a pretty big fucking talent. There's no way a person can turn into a bat and not be a vampire. The only news outlet to ever even mention that trait of his is SPIN magazine, and that isn't going to help get the word out, because nobody reads SPIN magazine.

FACT: Billy Corgan sleeps in a coffin.
This was seen in an episode of MTV Cribs where Corgan showed the MTV camera crew around his posh castle in Romania. The castle also had its own bowling alley and foosball table. It was pretty sweet.

Further proof of Billy Corgan's vampireness is evident in the lyrics to several Smashing Pumpkins songs he wrote. For instance, here are part of the words to one famous Pumpkins' song "Bullet with Butterfly Wings"

The world is a vampire, sent to drain
Secret destroyers, hold you up to the flames
And what do I get for my pain?
Betrayed desires, and a piece of the game
And here is a part of another song, "Crystaline Rays Over the Midnight Dolphin."
Drinking the blood of virgins
Keeps me fed
Tonight, I'll turn into a bat
Darn it, I can't see my reflection in the mirror.
I rest my case.


Here are ways to avoid having Corgan turn you into a fellow vampire.

Don't Let Him Inside Your House

To enter a house, Billy Corgan will need the permission of a person who resides in it. If he appears at your door or hovering outside your bedroom window at night, DO NOT let him in. Even if he says he is going door to door selling cookies for charity or raising money for Jerry's kids.

Use Garlic and a Crucifix to Ward Him Off

Billy Corgan, like all vampires, is allergic to garlic and also Jewish, so that particular herb and Christian symbols frighten him. Therefore, he won't be able to touch you if you have either of these things, so hold them tight like a tender lover.

Don't Tell Him Zwan Sucked

Corgan is one of these pissy musicians who believe anything they make is pure gold, and take criticism the same way most people take having their whole family murdered and eaten. Zwan was a band Corgan put together a year after the Pumpkins broke up. They put out only one album, and it really sucked. The best part of the CD was that it came with free stickers, but since the album was so bad you were embarrassed to put the stickers anyway people could see, lest they give you a wedgie for being so lame. After their one album failed to sell, Corgan blamed everyone else in the group for the band's failure, broke up Zwan and left to write shitty poetry.

If you encounter Billy Corgan, he'll immediately want to talk about himself. Let him. If he asks you what song of his you like best, lie and say all of them. This is the best way to get on his good side. Don't say anything critical of any of his work.  If you speak you mind and say something negative about how Zwan was so shitty or ask him why he sings like he has throat cancer, he'll get mad and bite you in the neck.

He'll want to whip out his poetry and read it to you. Just sit through and bear it with the biggest fake smile you can muster.

On second thought, don't. You're better off having all the blood sucked out of you than having to listen to any of Billy Corgan's shitty poetry.

Stab Him In the Heart Immediately

This is the only way to kill Billy Corgan, or any vampire, for sure. You'll need something pretty sharp and durable, like a steak, that is strong enough to penetrate the chest plating. If you killed Billy Corgan properly, his body will immediately turn to dust. If the body just falls to the ground with blood coming out of it, you fucked up. Get some bleach, a hack saw, and garbage bags pronto.