Boy, it's that time of year again! Time to celebrate Christmas
the Holidays! Gather your family around what ever important object you have in your living
room and commence with whatever ceremonies God or a man in a funny hat told you
to do centuries ago. Christmas The Holidays
is are a time of
joy and festivity and merriment and all that shit.
But
there is also a lot of stress involved with Christmas The Holidays. If
you're looking for some Christmas Holiday
music to play to ward of the thoughts of suicide that come with this time of
year, well, that
crazy ass bitch Mariah Carey wishes you a Merry Christmas Holiday on her
Christmas Holiday album. I don't know what specific wishes she is bringing,
but I bet they delivered in a very high pitch and mention honey and butterflies
and such. Ha ha. Take that Mariah Carey.
Hey, notice how I keep crossing out the word Christmas,
instead using the word Holidays? Boy, that's a clever way to protest the fact
that people say Happy Holidays to be politically correct, even though the only
reason this is such a big holiday season is because of Christmas. I am so fucking
clever. I am defiantly the only person who has ever made that connection.
Anyway, to celebrate the season, we've written some Christmas Holiday themed articles for you to read.
A few of them are
even funny, I guess.
Dumb Baby's Christmas Holiday Festivities
| A Christmas Eve Miracle | Dec 25 |
| The Twelve Days of German Christmas | Dec 18 |
| Past Dumb Baby Christmas Cards | Dec 18 |
| Ghetto Cupcake's Christmas Adventure | Dec 12 |
OH dear! I used the word "Christmas" in all those article titles! I hope the ACLU doesn't sue me to remove that word then force me to convert to godless atheism or Buddhism. Because we all know that the sole purpose of the most important civil rights group in the country is to harass people who believe in Jesus. Obviously, Christianity is under assault in America. Think about it. Everyone knows what a small, tiny fraction of the country Christians are in this nation. Why, you could go all over America and never run into a single Christian. Ever. And it's horrible how politicians constantly work to distance themselves from being described as religious, never mentioning God in any of their speeches, and never wanting to be seen in a church. And the great lengths people like President Bush and the republican Congress go to separate church and state is appalling. No, the Christian faith is being attacked at all sides, mainly by the gays. Homo-sex and homo-marriage is literally destroying the word. Every time a same sex marriage is performed or ass is penetrated, society just collapses in ways we can't even see.
Ok, I'm ranting. Time to get focused. We'll kill those gays in due time. For Jesus.
The Story of Christmas
The story of Christmas is the story of the birth of Jesus, the Lord and Savior to all white people. Jesus was born over 2 million years ago it what is today called Israel, but in those days was called Israel. His parents, Mary and Joseph were making the long trek to Bethlehem to give birth to Jesus, as God had ordered them. The couple arrived in town very late, and being Jewish, did see the value in having to pay full price for a hotel room they were only going to use for half a night, so the family slept in a manger, which was free. "What, should we be expected to waste perfectly good gelt at an inn when this manger is a bargain! Don't be such a kvetch, it's comfortable."
In that manger, Jesus was born. Three wise men had followed a star to birth site and they arrived with gifts for the newborn: a nice pair of slacks, a set of ink pens, and a savings bond. "It'll help the little banim learn the value of investing. Better give him this then something tchotchke like myrrh or frankincense."
Later on, Jesus was killed. But that part isn't important, so we do not celebrate it as much as Christmas. The important part about that particular holiday is that you get to eat a lot of candy, and maybe go to church for one time a year to help yourself to a some of those wine and cookies that get passed around.
Past Dumb Baby Christmas Cards
Here are Christmas cards I made on Decembers years ago. They've only gotten funnier over time.
2001
2002
Here's a shocker. It's a picture of a man who committed suicide that I photoshoped a Merry Christmas banner to. Christmas is supposed to be a happy time, so seeing a picture of a dead body with a Merry Christmas message just doubles the horror, which in turn, doubles the comedy! Get it!
I can't believe how unbelievably funny I was back then. I must have gotten laid a lot.