Rumsfeld to Troops in Iraq: Fuck Off
CAMP BUEHRING, Kuwait - In a rare public airing of grievances, disgruntled soldiers complained to Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld on Wednesday about long deployments and a lack of armored vehicles and other equipment."Fuck off," replied Rumsfeld to the troops demands. "I'm not your fucking mother. Suck it up, assholes."
Defense Secretary Rumsfeld scowls menacingly at troops who dare speak to him.
Rumsfeld hesitated and asked Wilson to repeat his question.
"We do not have proper armored vehicles to carry with us north," Wilson, 31, of Nashville, Tenn., concluded after asking again.
"I don't give a shit," replied Rumsfeld. "What? Am I supposed to provide you with everything you want? Do you want a bottle, you big baby?"
Rumsfeld added, "I don't need to be accosted by a prick in fatigues. I came here to look nice at a press conference, and you assholes dare to question my leadership. Fuck you."
"You go to war with the Army I say you are going to have and don't complain about it, you ungrateful bitches."
"Hey, I'm not the one whose been out here for over a year and hasn't found any weapons of mass destruction. Maybe if you solders did your damn job, you'd get that extra armor. I'm running this war great. You people on the ground are messing it up, just like Rudy Giuliani said. Idiots."
Yet another soldier asked how much longer the Army would continue using its "stop loss" power to prevent soldiers from leaving the service who are otherwise eligible to retire or return to civilian life at the end of their enlistment.
"As long as I fucking damn well please," stated Rumsfeld. "In fact, I am going to personally see to it that every single individual who spoke up or applauded today will not get out of this country alive. So there."
Soldiers look on as Rumsfeld suggests they sodomize one another.
The Defense Secretary then appeared to mock the soldiers by adopting a high pitched, whiny voice as he said, "Oh, look at me, I'm an American serviceman in Iraq. The Pentagon isn't properly supplying this war. I don't have enough protection from insurgents. They're everywhere. It's not safe here! I can't believe it wouldn't be safe in a war zone! I want my mommy. Waaah!"
The Defense Secretary then lowered his pants, and defecated on stage in front of the crowd, before immediately exiting a room left stunned silent.
The reaction seems to evident of declining morale among servicemen and women in Iraq. Besides concerns of lack of supplies, many soldiers have complained that their tours of duty are being extended without their consent.
When Dumb Baby News reporter Lisa Sullivan questioned President Bush about use of the "stop loss" policy to extend troop tours in Iraq beyond the original agreement the soldiers signed up for, as well as even forcing retired solders to report back to duty, the President had this to say:
"I am altering the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further."