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I Tell You #1

Christopher Walken [originally posted 1/31/03]

I enjoy toast, but I hate toasters. The biggest toaster I can ever find only has four slots. But when I enjoy toast, I like to have a minimum of eight slices of toast in one sitting. With only one four-slot toaster, this means that I have to toast my bread in two rounds. This leaves me with four slices that are cold by the time I go to eat them and it wastes much of my valuable time. Do not try to tell me to eat one round of toast as the other round toasts in the toaster. That idea is completely retarded and if I saw you on the street I would punch you in the face for that remark.

Since I cannot find a toaster with eight slots as of yet, my only option is to buy a second four-slot toaster and to hit the buttons on each toaster simultaneously. Jesus.

If you can find an eight-slot toaster, please mail it to me. I would prefer via Federal Express.

Why isn't Jerry Garcia performing in the Grateful Dead reunion tour? Does he have a spat with the rest of the band? I hope he and the rest of the band can patch things up.

My favorite cheese is Cheddar. Don't get me started on the problems with Swiss.

Vin Diesel never returns my phone calls. I call his house ever other day to say that we should do a movie together. The answering machine always picks up. I think he is screening his calls. He also has changed his phone number several times, but I manage to find it out. He is quite sad.

I hate the Dutch.

They should combine the sports of basketball and hockey and tennis. It just makes good sense. They all have nets.

When it comes to taking a bath or a shower, I say baths. I wish I could wash myself in the sink. I would like that most of all. They would just need to make the sink big enough for a human to wash in.

Oh wait, I suppose that is what a bath tub is.

My favorite Argentinean Senator is Freudian Rus. He is a candidate you can believe in.

Webster's Dictionary has it all wrong.

Red is cherry. Always. Green, on the other hand, may be apple or lime.

Nobody makes ice the way I like it anymore.

Next time I am to go on Saturday Night Live I am going nude. I said I wanted to do that the last time I hosted, but Lorne wouldn't let me. Next time I will wear clothes every day for rehearsals, but show up Saturday night naked. They won't have time to stop me then.