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Head to Head: Ninjas vs. Pirates

For the past ten months scientists have been trying to figure out one thing: who are better pirates or ninjas? This has been a mystery that has plagued mankind since the invention of pointless arguments. Well, faithful readers, I have just received the results of this survey, and I now present to you:


Head to Head:

Ninjas vs. Pirates


Fighting Abilities: One on One

There is no argument that ninjas are the masters of fighting. They can do it unarmed, or with a variety of weapons. The average ninja will master one weapon, and train enough in others to be able to use them when the situation arises. When it comes to unarmed fighting ninjas excel over all others. It is often said a ninjaís hand is like a weapon, a weapon that can also be used for picking things up, or driving a car. Combine all of this with the ninja's legendary stealth ability and you have a powerful fighting machine.

Pirates are no slouches either when it comes to fighting. They normally use a cutlass, and a flintlock pistol. So they can attack near or from afar. However they can do neither as good as a ninja. While the flintlock is more powerful then throwing stars, it is less accurate and takes time to load. By the time it takes most pirates to reload, the ninja has already unleashed a barrage of stars. Pirates are more then adequate when fighting most opponents but are simply out classed by ninjas.

Winner: NINJAS

Fighting Abilities: Group Fighting

This is where pirates shine. Despite being heavy drinkers, disorderly, greedy, and often outright hating each other, pirates are surprisingly organized. Chalk this up to a well defined order of command and enforcement of rules. From day one the pirates know to listen to those who are ranked above them with minimal back talk. This makes it easy for captains to organize raids, and attacks on other ships.

Ninjas normally are not very organized. There are few true leaders in the ninja community. Because of this, they often do not wish to take orders from one another. It takes a very great ninja to get other ninjas to follow him and do what he says. Even if a group of ninjas organized, they would be inexperienced when it comes to fighting as a group and coming up with battle strategies. If the ninjas were able to take the pirates by surprise, there is a good chance they could win the fight, but that is unlikely since it is hard to sneak up on a ship. More likely the ninjas would be on the defensive, and would lose to a combination of the pirates being able to use cannons and having experience in these kind of situations


Special Abilities

Ninjas are the masters of invisibility, climbing walls, and sometimes flying. They use these skills to sneak up on people in order to kill them, climb up a walls, and kill people and get to a new area to kill somebody. All respectable pursuits.

Pirates are able to sail ships, shoot fireballs, and drink large quantities alcohol. Also all respectable skills. This one is really close. However ninjas are going to get the nod because invisibility is really cool

Winner: NINJAS

Who Looks Cooler


Pirate looks pretty awesome with the three corner hat, zany clothes, booze, and a pirate magazine.


Meanwhile, Ninja sports a traditional black suit, complete with mask, weapons, and ninja midgets. They both look pretty awesome, which one is better is really a personal opinion, so this category is going to be a TIE.


Pirates have ships for long distance travel, long boats for getting to shore, and of course, dune buggies for getting over sand dunes.

Ninjas donít really have much of the way of transportation. They seem to ride horses from time to time. There is some evidence that they ride kites, but this is mostly from cartoons or Nintendo games, so I don't know how accurate these reports are.



Pirates are known for four things

That's a pretty impressive list, but it is incomplete. Pirates also like Ronnie James Dio, popcorn chicken, Rocky I, III, and V, not to mention rape. The myths behind pirates are very inaccurate and incomplete.

It's generally known what ninjas are known for: fighting, flipping, meditating, and sometime flying. That's about all ninjas do. They travel around the world, fighting people for various reasons and then meditating until the next great adventure. Plus it's well known that ninjas can be good or evil. Meanwhile, the good pirates never get any attention

Winner: NINJAS

Job Training

It's difficult to become a ninja. First you have to get accepted to ninja school which requires previous training in martial arts and weapon use. To get this training you have to go to a dojo, and enroll in the pre-ninja training program. You have to make sure that the dojo you are joining is legit. There are many shady dojos that will make it look like you will be able to get into Ninja School, but then you discover that the classes they offered did not give you enough credits.

Then, you have to take a summer course at Ninja School in order to be able to join. Subsequently, when you do get into Ninja School you have to keep at least a C average or risk academic probation. Then, in your senior year, you have to get a sensei to give you one on one training. Then, after all that, you have to go through The Maze of Horrors. After all of that you finally get your Ninja Certificate. Without a Ninja Certificate you arenít really a ninja.

To become a pirate you just have to find a current pirate and tell him you are interested in becoming a pirate. If you aren't a pussy. he will bring you to the captain. The captain then either makes you a swab or murders you. As a swab your duties are to clean the ship and be sodomized. Finally, after five months, or 3,000 sodomizings, you become a full fledged pirate.

Winner: PIRATES because it takes less time, although many are turned off by all the sodomy. In fact, it's been proven that only ten percent of potential pirates enjoy it.

Job Security

Pirates don't have much job security, they risk being captured or killed by The Royal Navy, other pirates, The Spanish Armada, and in the case of space pirates, The Space Patrol. Not to mention all the other dangerous activities pirates partake in, heavy drinking, pillaging, pirate jigs, and scurvy. Few pirates make it to retirement age.

Ninjas however have great job security. Even if you are a less then average ninja, you are still tougher then most punks out there. Plus, even if you are getting beat up, you can easily use smoke bombs to escape. Plus, once you get too old to run around killing you can become a sensei, which pays very well.

Winner: NINJAS


It's hard to judge overall whether ninja cartoons are good or not. For every Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, you have about seven poorly made ninja cartoons from Japan about ninjas who fly around shooting lasers and controlling thirty foot tall robots. Those aren't good shows. Although ninjas do have Karate Kid the cartoon, which kicks ass. There is also Jackie Chan Adventures which is good because at the end of the show, it features Jackie Chan incoherently answering children's questions in a mix of English, Japanese, and his own made up language.

All Pirates really have to offer is Pirates of Dark Water, which is very good, but not better then Ninja Turtles.

Winner: NINJAS

HamtaroAppearance on Hamtaro

On the ninja episode of Hamtaro a ninja hamster sick of Ninja School decides to run away and terrorize Hamtaro and his friends. Eventually, we all learned a lesson about not giving up or something, and the ninja hamster flies away on a kite. The plot's a bit weak, but that is a moot point since the show is about ninja hamsters, and that is really fucking awesome.

In the pirate episode, Hamtaro is trying to deliver the Olympic flame, when he is chased off a cliff by three flying hamsters and is saved by a group of pirate hamsters who happen to have a ship that flies. Go ahead and reread that sentence, it won't make any more sense. That is just how bizarre the pirate episode of Hamtaro is, there is no way to describe it without looking insane. When it comes to evaluating how good a Hamtaro episode is: the more bizarre the better.


Better Representation on the Web is one of the best websites out there. It is both informative and funny. You can learn about both ninja and hippos, plus the song on the front page is the best song ever.

Pirates are represented by The Best Page In The Universe, which at first appears to be a decent website, run by a sarcastic guy who tells it like it is and doesnít pull any punches. However his antics quickly get old. Believe it or not, Maddox is smarter then everybody else. Especially people who played high school football, because in high school everybody conspired to keep him down and only cared about football players, but now he is a successful computer person and those football players all work at grocery stores. Only complete morons play high school football, because its not like you have to be able to memorize a lot of plays, and be able to make split second decisions in order to be good. It also is annoying how he whines about things, but very rarely states what he enjoys. Plus, he tries way too hard to get people mad at him. You just have to relax man.

Winner: NINJAS

Better Country of Origin

For the purpose of this, we are going to go with the traditional Caribbean pirates since pirates have come from many different nations. The first pirates are believed to be The Sea People of the Mediterranean who attacked ancient Greece. Normally, though, most people think of the Caribbean when they think of pirates, which has a warm climate, bananas, beaches, and a lot of hidden coves for hiding in.

Japan, the home of ninjas is a very lame geographic location. The Japanese lost World War II, are short, and enjoy having sex with pictures of tentacle women. Not even their giant robot technology and Hamtaro can make up for these faults.


Well there you have it. Ninjas win by one point. It was a battle of epic proportions. Lives were destroyed and bar bets were settled. I barely escaped with my sanity. It was close, I am sure pirate enthusiasts will be rioting in the streets of New Orleans tonight, but that wonít have anything to do with the results of this article. Pirates just like to riot.