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Is Your Movie Good or Bad?

It seems that the American Film Institute has been sending out a secret memo to potential filmmakers. I set to find out what exactly was going on with this. It took a large sum of money, a harpoon gun, and a year subscription to the magazine Ebony, but I was finally able to get my hands on a copy of the memo. I have decided to release my findings here.

Millions of poorly made movies are produced each year. While many of these are entertaining in a "let's laugh at this poorly made movie" there are far too many bad movies to make fun of them all, and there are even more movies that are so bad as to be completely unwatchable. These movies are detrimental to the video store business. Shelf space is a precious commodity, and it is estimated that less than half of all movies in the average video store are even watchable. This means that more than half are unwatchable. Consequently, if you went into a video store and randomly took a movie off the shelf, you would find it to be terrible beyond belief.

This problem is not the result of the video store owners, there are many movies made every year and you can't expect the proprietor of a small business to inspect them all. No, the responsibility lies with those who make the movies. That's why we here at the American Film Institute have compiled this list here. Please go over the list and check those which apply to the movie you are currently making.

___ Is your movie about how black people and white people are different?

___ Does you movie have Whoopi Goldberg in a starring role?

___ Can the plot of your movie be summed up in less then five sentences?

___ Is your movie a sequel to The Amityville Horror?

___ Is you movie called Baby Geniuses?

___ Is you movie almost the same as a movie that has already been made, except yours has a lower budget and makes less sense?

___ Is your movie based off of a book that was featured on Oprah's book club?

___ Is your movie based off of a Saturday Night Live sketch that only has one joke? For example: Night at the Roxburies, Superstar, or The Coneheads.

___ Has the lead actor in your movie not had acting work in at least five years?

___ Are there explosions in a scene where there is nothing that can technically explode?

___ Have you ever described your movie as the feel good hit of the summer?

___ Is the message of your movie that everybody in the world is the same on the inside, and we should forget about physical differences?

___ Is your movie a made for TV movie for the Sci-Fi Channel?

___ Is your movie an update of a television series from the 70s?

___ Are you making a movie about a monster attacking people but you can't afford to show the monster killing people, moving, or standing still?

___ Is your movie is a live action version of a cartoon?

___ Is the main draw of your movie the fact that it has cars, which are really fast?

___ In order to make your movie 70 minutes long, did you have to add several scenes which have no impact on the plot at all?

___ Is your movie being made by Nickelodeon but does not star Kenan Thompson and Kel Mitchel?

___ Does your movie star Mary Kate and/or Ashley Olsen?

___ Is your movie about two people falling in love despite all the odds being against them?

___ Is dancing a major part of your movie's plot?

___ Is your movie a sequel that has the exact same characters, plot, setting, and jokes as the prequel but is not Escape From L.A?

___ Is your movie based off of a video game?

___ Do woman get naked in your movie for no reason other then to show bare breasts?

___ Is your movie based off of a popular toy line?

___ Can none of your actors act, but that doesn't matter because you can't afford any audio equipment beside the microphone on the camera?

___ Was Barbara Streisand involved in the making of the movie in any way?

___ Is you movie called Baby Geniuses 2?

___ Is one of the main draws of your movie that one of the protagonist is attractive?

___ Is your movie about teens trying to get a woman to sleep with them and is not Revenge of the Nerds or Animal House?

___ Are you are making a children's movie without any hidden sex jokes or scenes where somebody is drunk?

___ Is the star of you movie a monkey who plays sports?

___ Is the target audience for your movie teenage girls?

___ Is the point of the movie is to educate the public about some cause you believe in strongly; such as religion, the environment, peace, dangers of drugs, political affiliation or anything else nobody wants to see a movie about?

___ Is your movie about soccer or basketball?

___ Is your movie about Shaquille O'Neal being a genie or super hero?

___ Is you movie a sequel that ignores major plot developments from the earlier films?

___ Could your movie be improved by including a monkey or a midget?

If you have answered yes to three or more of these statements, then congratulations: the movie you are making sucks. We are sure there will be many people who would appreciate if you didn't make it. Instead, it is suggested that you put your time and effort into making a better movie. If you are unable to make a better movie, then maybe you should just quit. Remember, any bozo with a video camera and at least two friends can make a movie. It takes a real man to realize that his movie is a piece of trash.