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I Tell You #2

Christopher Walken [originally posted 7/18/03]

I can believe it's not butter.

They don't let me go into the playland at McDonalds anymore. Every time I try, the manager pulls me out before I get past the room of tiny plastic balls. So I take my business to Taco Bell.

Tooth picks are way too expensive today. Why bother?

I wonder what hamster tastes like. A lot like gerbil, I bet.

During the last election, I voted for myself.

The odd relationship between the washer and the dryer has intrigued me all my life. One time I used my dryer to wash and my washer to dry. Results were disappointing. Next time, I will move on to human testing.

Oat bran has too many oats and not enough bran.

I like Asian people because they are so small next to me. I could pick one up and keep it as a pet.

The best part of potatoes are the seeds.

Just try to smoke a fish. It's not that great an idea.

Why don't they ever have prizes in the cereal box anymore? You always have to send away for that cool toy. I hope whoever is responsible for this rots in hell.

My name is Christopher. If anyone calls me Chris, I will stick my foot up his or her ass. This includes my mother.

There is no reason for Belgium.

The spork is a classic utensil. I enjoy the poetic combination of the spoon and the fork. The next step is to combine a spoon and a knife. A Spife.

Don't get me started on tube socks.

If you need to get some stress out of your system, as I often must do, punch and old woman in the face.

I can't fly.