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The Ten Worst Nick Shows (Part 1)

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Hey Arnold

Hey Arnold

Hey Arnold was a disappointment. It definitely had potential, there were many jokes making fun of foreigners and old people. Plus plenty of toilet humor. Hell, one episode is about a person farting in front of a microphone and the ensuing chaos.

Unfortunately, Hey Arnold falls into the old Nick pattern of not coming up with more then one plot for a show. The plot is always as follows: Somebody has a problem, they try to succeed but fail, so Arnold helps him and the person finally succeeds. That's it. If every episode is going to be the same you think they could at least come up with something better. Captain Planet episodes didn't have a lot of variety, but they managed to not only kick ass, but also educate viewers about environmental concerns.

What pisses me off the most about Hey Arnold is an episode where they play football against some older kids. Helga has them using sound football plays, which are not working because the kids on the team are not making their blocks. Stupid punks they need to get low. While at the end of the first half they are behind by a large amount so they switch to Arnold's strategy which consists of a lot of razzle dazzle, laterals and flea flickers and such. It comes down to the final moments of the game and Arnold's team is able to win. What doesn't make any sense is that the older kids finish with the same score as they did at the half. What the fuck is the deal? That makes no god damn sense you rat bastards. Arnold's plan didn't affect the defense in any way. Fuck you Hey Arnold, fuck you show creator Craig Bartlett and fuck you whoever wrote that episode, I hate you the worse, all of you can burn in hell you fucking bastards.

Ahhhh Real Monsters

Ahhhh Real Monsters

I used to like this show, but I also used to like eating butter straight from the container, so needless to say I was an odd child.

Ahhhh Real Monsters was about three monsters who live in a city dump and go to school to learn how to scare humans, because if they don't scare humans they might die, or not die, depending on the episode. This show wasn't really strong in the old continuality department, the worst offender being the monster's size. The entrance to the school is a washer and then they went down in an elevator made out of a birdcage. So it seems like the monsters are fairly small, but there are episodes where they are mistaken for people in costumes, so they must be at least four or five feet tall, three at the least. But then how do they fit in the bird cage? None of it makes any sense.

Then there are the plots of the shows, which aren't too good. Most have to do with the fact that the red monster, Ickis, is a pussy, or the group of friends getting in trouble and having to go scare people. Jokes are generally weak and the episodes don't make sense. Like the fact that even though there must be thousands of monsters around the world who are scaring people on a regular basis, yet nobody knows about their existence. The humans just sort of get scared and then immediately forget about it for no reason.

I'm not going to rail on this show too hard though, it was about monsters scaring people and doing generally gross stuff. That's enough to pull in at least a moderate amount of viewers, and if I worked on a show where one of the defining characterizes of a main character is that he smells bad, I don't think I would work to hard to make sure the show was good. I would probably just write down the first thing that came to my head and call it a day. A story about Ickis becoming a tree, why the hell not? It's not like anybody is expecting this stuff to be Shakespeare.

I just wish they had just called the show Real Monsters instead of Ahhhhhh Real Monsters, that scream is annoying both to write and type.

Spongebob Square Pants

Spongebob Square Pants

Spongebob Square Pants is proof that you won't fail in TV as long as you don't overestimate your audience's intelligence. Nobody of even moderate intellect can enjoy Spongebob Square Pants for more then a minute without getting bored by the repetition and pure stupidity. Every episode I have seen has consisted of Spongebob doing something moronic for the entire episode. Maybe to shake things up instead of just Spongebob acting like an idiot, Spongebob and another character will do something moronic.

They better watch out though, because chances are Squidward won't be appreciative of these antics, because a grumpy guy who doesn't like the antics of his younger neighbor has never been done before. So it makes sense that half of the episodes revolve around him not liking Spongebob acting like a buffoon so much that half of the episodes are dedicated to it, while the other half are dedicated to Spongebob being stupid without Squidward around.

Lucky for the guy who invented Spongebob Square Pants, he was able to get a firm hold on two important demographics: young children who don't care what they watch as long as it is a cartoon, and pot heads. With that important audience in his pocket I guess the creator just decided to go with the same old. Who needs things like "creative ideas" or "humor" when the same old stuff will do. Besides it's easy to write a script for Spongebob Square Pants, just look at this sample:

Spongebob and Patrick decide it is fun to jump in piles of leaves.

Extended montage of the two of them jumping in leaves and laughing.

Squidward is upset by the noise of the laughing, and tries to convince the two of them to stop but fails; he then tries more nefarious means of stopping them and is unsuccessful.

Spongebob then asks Squidward to try jumping in leaves to see how fun it is, Squidward doesn't want to but is soon swayed. He finds that he enjoys jumping in leaves, but does it in a strange uptight way.

Episode ends and the audience either goes off to play with Legos or takes another hit from the bong.

The Amanda Show

The Amanda Show

Amanda Bynes was added to the cast of All That because they she was younger then the other cast members, and they needed a young girl to play characters who were younger then the other cast members. By the sixth season all the original members were gone, and Amanda Bynes was the most senior member, not because of talent or dedication to the show, but rather because all the other cast members left to pursue more lucrative careers. Keenan and Kel went onto the Keenan and Kel Show, Lori Beth went onto the Steve Harvey Show, and eventually even the longest original cast member, Josh Server, went on to become a writer for All That, but not until five years after he left the show. Between then his biggest

So the stage was set, Amanda Bynes was in an important position in her life, the year was 1997 and All That was disbanding. What does she do? Make her own sketch comedy show in the same vain as All That only even less funny and with less charismatic actors, none of which have gone on to do anything else, except for Drake Bell. His show, Drake and Josh,  almost made the list, but wasn't included only because I can't force myself to sit through an entire episode so I don't have anything to write about it.

The Amanda Show is a sketch comedy show were comedy is used in the loosest of definitions. Apparently nobody told Nickelodeon, but Amanda Bynes is not funny. Having her in every sketch is not a move towards a high quality show. If I was making a sketch comedy show the first thing I would do is make sure Amanda Bynes was not involved in my show in any way.

The second thing I would do is make sure the sketches were funny. The makers of The Amanda Show decided to be rebellious and ignore this cardinal rule of sketch comedy shows. That one sketch where Amanda pretends to do crazy dares is horrid. Dares where a person dumps ice cream on their head or puts a sock in their mouth are only funny if they are real. We know that sock isn't really dirty and that she got paid big bucks to put ice cream on her head. That sketch sucked. Then there's that sketch about the people at the video store where they make fake movies is not funny either. Ha ha, they made a version of a movie that is inferior then the original, that so funny… NOT. You fucking bastards I want to find every writer who worked for the Amanda Show and kill them.

Fuck you Amanda Bynes.



Proof that a sweet, crazy, fast paced country theme song does not equal a good show. In fact this show is quite the opposite of a good show, so opposite in fact that I would go as far as to call it a bad show. A very bad show. If this show was my pet I would have it put to sleep, and then set on fire.

Catdog takes the traditional Odd Couple, "these two people are different but live together formula" and gives it a twist, Catdog are connected, despite this fact they have completely different personalities and share absolutely no interests. Which only makes sense if you are a heavy drug user. I'm pretty sure most Siamese twins find at least one thing they both enjoy. How do a cat and a dog become combined anyways? According to this website I am looking at, their parents are Bigfoot and a toad, so I suppose the guy who made this show was a heavy drug user. Maybe I just never smoked enough pot to enjoy Catdog to its full potential.

I am a firm believer, though, that shows made for drug users should still entertaining for those of us who aren't high. Look at Cheech and Chong movies or Hamtaro, those were made for people who are on weed and acid respectively, but even if you aren't in the sky with Lucy, they are still very enjoyable. Especially Born in East L.A. which I guess really has only Cheech in it, but still, that movie kicks ass.

So in conclusion Pete Hannan, the creator of Catdog, does a lot of drugs, is also a pedophile and a communist. Did I mention that he sold uranium to Iran and voted for Nader? This guy is a monster, come on everybody lets get him!

[Part 1] [Part 2]