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The Ten Worst Nick Shows (Part 2)

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The Wild Thornberrys

The Wild Thornberrys

In this show, Eliza Thornberrys has the ability to talk to animals for no particular reason, and travels the world with her family while her parents shoot nature documentaries. It is a fortunate coincidence that her parents shoot nature documentaries and she just happens to be able to speak with animals. If she could speak with animals and her parents were poachers, then most her conversations would be about how her parents just killed a Siberian Tiger's only friend, the only other Siberian Tiger left in the world. Then Eliza would have to comfort the last Siberian Tiger by telling her how tiger penises are good aphrodisiacs.

Come to think of it, consoling tigers because their mate is going to be used by a middle aged Japanese man to have sex with a hooker would have been a much better show. Instead, we get stuck with a generic cartoon that never utilizes the talking to animals gimmick. Never is there an adventure where Eliza is in danger and she convinces a bear to eat a murderer or one where she uses a mouse to cheat on a game show. Instead, we get adventures where she has to help a lost lion cub find its parents or something in that same vane. It is a good thing it that it's Eliza who finds the various animals who can only be helped by a human who can talk to them. If anybody else happened upon the lost lion cub, he would be fucked.

My main problem with the show is not the adventures; because let's face it, the most mundane adventure can be tolerated if the main character is cool enough. Eliza lacks all charisma and pretty much anything that would be considered interesting. If she lacked the talking to animals thing, then there would be no way she would get her own show. At most she could hope to be a third tier character on Hey Arnold, but thanks to her strange abilities, she is able to pull out her own series. What has the world come to when all you need for a semi successful show is the ability to talk to animals? Prostars, a cartoon about Michael Jordan Bo Jackson and Wayne Gretzky fighting crime and saving kids, only lasted one season, but the Wild Thronberrys which had less creative, less entertaining and completely unlikable characters, was on for multiple seasons and even had a movie made. Is that truly fair? Do we want to live in a world that unjust? Would a loving God let a show so sweet that it stars Bo Jackson get cancelled after one season while this kind of garbage is a commercial success? If the answer is yes, then sign me up for Satanic Boot Camp, because God is my enemy.

Rocket Power

Rocket Power

Rocket Power is about three totally Xtreme skate boarding, surfing, street luging, Mountain Dew guzzling dudes from California and their friend from Oklahoma, who is from Oklahoma and is lame because of this. They go on a variety of adventures that all have to do with some sort of extreme sport, wait sorry about that misspelling, I mean Xtreme.

There are more or less three plots in Rocket Power:

1. There is a skateboarding contest. Otto enters and does not take the competition seriously because he is overconfident. He does not do well in the first round, but learns that being overconfident is bad, so he ends up winning first place.

2. The four friends are in some sort of xtreme sports competition. Squid is the least xtreme of the group and is not pulling his wait. Otto wants to kick him off the team despite the fact they need four people and don't have any other friends. In the end, Squid proves to be reliable and they win first place. It is also possible that Squid used his brain to come up with something clever that made them win.

3. Otto wants to do something crazy and dangerous. Squid is opposed to it. We either learn the importance of following the rules, or an important lesson about how being a wuss makes it harder to win surfing contests.

Sometimes the characters will say something really loud and the word will come flying at the camera with a crazy colorful background. Sort of like Batman, but without violence and the campy 60s comedy, and it is really annoying. This is the perfect show for nine year old kids from the suburbs who don't do any Xtreme sports but think they are cool none the less. If you don't fit into that demographic, congratulations you are not retarded.

My Brother and Me

My Brother and Me

My Brother and Me is a terrible show, but it is amazing in the sense that they were able to fit in more clichés per episode then any other show in the history of television.

Dee Dee is the stereotypical annoying younger brother, and his friends are all normal TV nerds that don't exist in real life

Alfie is the stereotypical older brother who is mean to his brother, but shows that he really cares for his brother when they need an episode about how brothers care for each other, even if they don't show it all the time. Goo is the typical "wacky" friend with a silly name and comes up with crazy schemes that never work out.

Melanie is the normal TV older brainy sister, and her friend is...well um...honestly I don't remember what her friend is like, so hey, maybe she doesn't fit into any television archetypes, or more likely they just rarely ever acknowledge her existence.

The parents are the same as every other parent duo on a show where the parents aren't the main focus. The dad takes care of the discipline, and laments about his youth. The mother takes care of housework, and does nothing of interest.

They tackle such hard hitting, completely creative issues like the mother leaving for leaving for the weekend and the father not being able control the kids, one of the main characters getting hit in the head and acting weird, and one of the children trying to do laundry and pouring an entire box of soap into the machine resulting in a terrible mess. Now you might be saying "Hey Johnny you only named three clichés, that's not too many." Well first of all it's Mr. Dangerous to you, and did I mention that those three clichés take place over the course of two episodes? Trust me, the other episodes aren't much more creative, unless you've never seen a show were a boy is picked on by a bully who turns out to be a girl, and if you haven't seen a show with a plot like that, congratulations you've never watched TV before.

As far as I can tell. My Brother and Me only had about eight episodes, unless there is some of treasure trove of unaired episodes in a vault someplace deep beneath Universal Studios. Despite this lack of episodes, Nickelodeon confidently showed nine hours of My Brother and Me on Saturdays and Sundays, for seven years after the show was cancelled. I think the only way they could have shown this much My Brother and Me is if they showed every episode each weekend. Which raises questions like, if the show is popular enough to warrant showing all day on the weekends then why was it cancelled? My guess is Nickelodeon had some sort of court required mandate on how many hours of minority programming they needed to show in a week, and they only had one show with minorities, and it was cheaper to deal with miniscule ratings then to make another show with non white actors. Luckily years later The Brothers Garcia would prove that Mexicans can also make shitty shows, but not as shitty of shows as the blacks.

Oddly enough, My Brother and Me won the NAACP Image Award in 1995 and 1996, despite the fact that the show was cancelled in 1995. So apparently all the other shows about black people that were made in 1995 where full of offensive stereotypes like Tyrone, the unemployed black man who enjoys fried chicken, and Bonita, the sassy black woman who is a prostitute and does crack. Typical episodes are about how they can steal money from the white man, or how they can get their hands on some cotton.

No shows about black people were made in 1996 so the NAACP decided to just give the award to the winner from last year.

As Told By Ginger

As Told By Ginger

The first time I saw As Told By Ginger, I put my palm against me fore head and exclaimed "Have Mercy", in a very Uncle Jesse like fashion. Trust me, the expression was justly exclaimed because this show was made to be a torture device and does not possess any mercy.

As Told By Ginger is the story of Ginger, a twelve year old girl who is desperate for the attention of popular people. She already has two close friends so I don't know why she is so desperate to impress the popular people. There are plenty of people who don't even have that many friends. On most cartoon shows, the main character usually only has one friend. Hell, people in cartoons rarely have more then two friends.

Plus, she is even cooler then her two friends. Why be a small fish in the big pond when you can be the popular fish in the pond filled with nerds? When she is with her two friends people will always say things like "Hey it's Ginger and those two retards she hangs out with" or "Here comes Ginger, I fucking hate her but at least she's better then those other two people. Are they really ugly girls, or guys with long hair? I can't tell. Oh well who cares let's go under the bleachers to smoke cigarettes and listen to Linkin Park. God why is it so hard to be in middle school? I hate my life."

The main reason As Told By Ginger is boring is because it is about kids in middle school, and lets face it, kids in middle school are boring. That's why most shows about middle schoolers have some sort of gimmick, like the main character had toxic waste spilled on her and gained super powers, or there is a delinquent who was transformed into a dog and now has to perform good deeds. Degrassi: The Next Generation is the only show I can think of which is about middle school aged kids, does not have a gimmick, and doesn't suck. Of course in order to do this they had to make none of the characters act like they are in middle school and add so many crazy stories that the show in no longer relevant to anybody. So right from the start the makers of this show were handicapped in that they didn't have any interesting gimmicks or insane Spinner related storylines. Then they had that stupid cunt Ginger be the main character. Ginger is the least appealing character to ever appear on any TV show anywhere. I can't imagine how it would be possible to accidentally make her so unappealing. I think the reality is, there was some executive down at Nickelodeon who wanted to get fired so he spent years studying the worse shows ever made so that he could trump them all, and invested enough money into it that Nickelodeon would have no choice but to terminate his contract, and probably put a hit out on his wife.

You do have to give it to the creators of As Told By Ginger for sticking to the "unpopular person pines to be friends with the popular person cliché" to the point that they did. Not only did they dedicate every episode to Ginger wanting to be popular but her brother also wants to be friends with the popular group, or maybe there was a kid who wanted to be friends with him. I forget, and also I do not care. Either way there are two people who want to be accepted by two separate groups. It's twice the angst in half of the time.

I think the greatest testament to how bad this show is, is that while cruising for information I went to the As Told By Ginger forum, and somebody made a post about how the show sucks. If that had been done on the forum for any other show, the fans would have said something along the lines of "No YOU suck." However, the fans of As Told By Ginger not only didn't defend the show, but they agreed that it sucked.

So there you have it, even people who like the show will admit that it is bad, and clichéd. Which raises the question: why do they even watch the show in the first place? My theory is they watch it because they hate themselves.

Cousin Skeeter

Cousin Skeeter

Dear Lord. Cousin Skeeter, I don't use the phrase "worse then the holocaust" very often but if given a choice, I would take the gas shower before watching this horrendous train wreck of puppetry and black people. Cousin Skeeter is a puppet who comes and lives with his non-puppet cousin and causes trouble. I don't think we were suppose to notice he was a puppet, but that kind of thing is hard to ignore when the person is two feet tall and made out of felt.

You know the more I think about it, the more I realize Cousin Skeeter is just a rip off of The Fresh Prince of Bell Air. In both shows the rebellious cousin moves in with another family for different reasons and causes trouble. In Fresh Prince, he moves in with the relatives because his mother is poor and his relatives are rich. In Cousin Skeeter, Skeeter moves in with his relatives because the guy who Nick paid to come up with a new show had just finished watching a marathon of Fresh Prince of Bell Air and couldn't think of anything else. Before the Fresh Prince marathon, he watched The Muppet Movie.

I can't for the life of me fathom why they made Skeeter a puppet anyways. What's the point of having a puppet shaped like a human? A puppet can't do anything that isn't funnier then a human doing the exact same thing. For example, you can easily throw a puppet out of a fifth story window and have him land in a dumpster without much harm, but for a small price more you can have a human do that and it is a hell of a lot funnier. Plus, the puppet requires a handler so it's not like you are going to be cutting costs on having one less actor. The only show I can think of that can pull off having humanoid puppets thing is Lazytown, and that show is so damn nuts that the reason I think they had to use puppets was because human children would go insane after a week on the set. There is that one girl who appears to not be a puppet, but her hair is pink and she looks like plastic so I think she is either a really good puppet or an alien.

Even if Skeeter wasn't an abomination against humanity and was played by a regular human, the show would still suck more balls then an automated ball sucking machine. The concept has been done before, and better. Skeeter is annoying as hell, and the rest of the cast is so unmemorable they could be played by different actors every week and nobody would notice. Although most people wouldn't notice that the actors were different they would soon realize how horrible the show is and would commit suicide before getting a chance to see another episode.

You know what's the craziest thing about Cousin Skeeter? Bill Bellamy, the voice of Skeeter, is Shaquille O'Neal's cousin. I can't imagine anybody related to Shaq lowering themselves to this level. Shaq was in motherfucking Kazaam. His relatives shouldn't have to star in shitty TV shows. Bill should go to Shaq's house and just ask for some money. Shaq would be like "Sure, you can have one of gold bars I got sitting on my coffee table, but first I get to punch you in the neck for that Cousin Skeeter bullshit."

You know what's even crazier then Bill Bellamy being related to Shaq? The fact that he was nominated for an NAACP Image Award for his work on this show. Damn it black people, if you can't nominate and give your awards to shows that aren't horrible, then we are going to have to take them away. We don't want to take your awards away, but between My Brother and Me winning two of them and Cousin Skeeter getting nominated it is obvious that you are not ready for the responsibility yet.

[Part 1] [Part 2]