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[Editor's Note: The following message was found scribbled on the inside of a pizza box left in front of the door to Dumb Baby's main offices. It appeared to have been written in red lipstick and smelled like cow feces. We have fixed most of the spelling mistakes, but otherwise left it as we received it.]

Hey bitches

The other day I was hanging out at the carwash when this fucker came up to me and was like hey you're Jason Mewes right and I said fucking yeah because I was. He said that he liked the movies I was in with Silent Bob like Clerks and Mallrats. So I said we should go smoke a blunt together. Then he said something about not being able to because the FBI had him under surveillance for some reason, I forget cause I stopped paying attention because it sounded like I wasn't going to be able to get any free weed. So I said to him that he should buy me some ciggs. He told me that he would buy me some, but only if I wrote an article for some website he worked at. I wasn't sure what to do because I hadn't gone on the internet very much and I can barely read. You know the only time I have ever gone on the internet is when I lived in Kevin Smith's basement. I would sneak upstairs at night and go onto his internet. Eventually he found out, he told me that I had to move out because I was going onto so many porn sites that his computer was full of viruses and that he had been put onto a list of sexual predators. So he made me leave. So then I had to live in his basement without him knowing so like every time he came down I hid in this refrigerator box. One day he caught me stealing canned peaches from this cabinet and he made sure I left. I fucking love canned peaches if I could do it all over again I would fucking still go after those peaches. But I felt bad cause Kevin was mad at me. We had been friends ever since Clerks. My Aunt Tilly lived across the street from him and told Kevin that I should be in the movie. Kevin said no but then Aunt Tilly told him I had cancer or some shit like that and Kevin felt bad and made me Jay. He figured out I didn't have cancer cause I didn't die but then he liked me enough to put me in other movies. Then he fucking made Jersey Girl and didn't put me in it. He said it was because Jay wasn't in the fucking movie and that I couldn't act like anybody else but I don't know. I think he might have been mad because I hid some heroin in is suitcase and he went to the airport and was arrested. I fucking told him that I put it there cause I knew he would be angry he found it someplace. So he said why do you have that much heroin in the first place and I said for the fucking pussy man the babes love a man who can buy them drugs. Pussy man that is what you gotta be thinking about. Kevin doesn't understand this. He told me that I would have to move out if I didn't go to rehab but I fooled him. He dropped me off at the rehab center but I fucking ditched that place and went to get some fine ass pussy. The police arrested me. Those fucking pigs said it was against the law to try to get girls at a Middle School to have sex with me for drugs. Luckily I was able to get away. I told the cop that there was a naked man over there and he looked over there and I smashed his head in with a rock. Fuck I shouldn't have written that they have been looking for me for a couple of years now. That cop I guess got brain damaged or something. The other day I went back to the school to look for some hot ass pussy and the cops came back. This time I got away and hid in a sewer for a few weeks. Then I went to the carwash to see if I could get some smokes but I didn't have any money. Then this guy came up and told me if I wrote this he would buy me some so I fucking wrote this. Now where are my smokes fucker?