The Name's the Same
I was bored one day and decided it would be a lark to compare people with the same name and decide who I liked more. While in retrospect this idea is completely retarded, I had invested way to much time to give it up. Hopefully the next article I write will be better. Oh well, at least this is still funnier then most of the front page articles on Somethingawful.Bush vs. Bush
Bush
Also Known As: George Bush Sr.
Known For: Being president; having a son who is president
Nickname According to American Presidents.org: Poppy
Quote: "The notion of political correctness declares certain topics, certain expressions, even certain gestures, off-limits. What began as a crusade for civility has soured into a cause of conflict and even censorship."
Highlights: Being elected president; Winning Desert Storm
Lowlights: Received the lowest percentage of votes of any sitting president ever.
Really Hates: Bill Clinton
Notable TV Appearances: Guest star on the Simpsons
VS.
Bush
Also Known As: George Walker Bush
Known For: Being president; Being son of a president
Nickname According to American Presidents.org: Dubya
Quote: "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice you can't get fooled again."
Highlights: Getting elected president; Winning Operation Iraqi Freedom.
Lowlights: Has not won an election that didn't have evidence of fraud; angered certain Muslims when he compared killing them to a holy crusade.
Really Hates: Hard to pronounce words
Notable TV Appearances: Hit TV show That's My Bush
The Winner Is…
Bush
Bush was able to get Saddam out of Iraq, which something his father can't say. He also will be forever remembered as that president who can't talk right. While that isn't the greatest of honors, at least he will be remembered. It's more than Zachary Taylor can say.
Slash vs. Slash
Slash
Also Known As: Saul Hudson
Known for: Playing guitar for Guns N Roses, Slash's Snakepit, and Velvet Revolver
Quote: Guitar solo from 'November Rain'
Highlights: Played guitar for one of the most popular bands in the world; had costarring role on short lived series Kid Notorious
Lowlights: Got bitched out by Axl on stage for being a dirty drug addict.
Never Seen Without: Top hat, cigarette, and long filthy hair
Cool Fact: Once hired a body guard, not because he was scared for his life, but because he wanted somebody to carry him home when he was drunk.
VS.
Slash
Also Known As: umm...Slash I guess
Known for: Battling the Ninja Turtles
Quote: "I will show you why the vultures named me Slash."
Highlights: Nearly succeeded in defeating the Ninja Turtles in an all out street brawl; made a few guest appearances in the Mighty Mutanimals comic series; ended an alien invasion by crashing their planet into the sun
Lowlights: Crippling addiction to miniature palm trees which is the tool of his defeat, several times.
Never Seen Without: Big ass blade that sticks out of his hand; stylish bandanna
Interesting Fact: The action figure for Slash beat Undercover Don as my favorite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle action figure, and keeps this title to this very day. Even after my asshole brother broke off his hand claw.
The Winner Is…
Slash
You can't deny Slash's accomplishments, Guns N Roses and Velvet Revolver are both very successful bands, and Slash's Snakepit while unsuccessful is certainly a fairly good band. However you can't forget the amazing things that Slash has done. As previously stated, Slash was almost able to beat the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles single handedly. That's no easy task; you know how many people have tried to defeat the Ninja Turtles? A lot that's how many, and while Slash was ultimately done in by his obsession with Palm Trees that doesn't make him any less cool. Have you seen that claw thing coming out of his hand? That thing is sweet.
Zeus vs. Zeus
Zeus
Also Known As: King of the Gods
Known For: Shooting lightening bolts at people.
You Know They Say: "The dice of Zeus always fall luckily."
Highlights: Killed his father and freed all his siblings from his fathers stomach.
Lowlights: Told the other Gods that they couldn't interfere in the Battle of Troy, and then fell asleep. The other gods proceed to interfere with The Battle of Troy.
Criminal Record: Killed his father, killed his first wife, raped a woman while in the form of a swan, and then refused to pay child support to her for Hercules.
Is Hated Because: He is in the Illiad which is long and boring.
VS.
Zeus
Also Known As: Tom "Tiny" Lister Jr.
Known For: Fighting Hulk Hogan in No Holds Barred
Highlights: Won the "Battle of the Tough Guys" tournament.
Lowlights: Lost to Hulk Hogan, can barely speak.
Criminal Record: Beat up Hulk Hogan's brother, kidnapped his girlfriend, and probably has been arrested for assault in the past.
Is Hated Because: He doesn't play by the rules, even if there aren't any
The Winner Is…
Zeus
Was there any doubt in this one. Over here we have the guy who went one on one with Hulk Hogan in what is considered by some people as the worst movie ever and by others as the best movie ever, and over here we have the King of Greek Gods. Who would you have chosen? That's what I thought.
Snake vs. Snake
Snake
Also Known As: Snake Plisken
You May Know Him from: Escape From New York, Escape From L.A.
Quote: "I don't give a fuck about your war... or your president."
Highlights: Saved the world twice; destroyed the world once
Lowlights: Government keeps on playing him for a fool
Really Hates: The U.S. government
Self Destructive Habits: Smoking; Getting into gunfights
Least Favorite State: New York, and to a lesser extent California
VS.
Snake
Also Known As: Solid Snake
You May Know Him From: Metal Gear Series
Quote: "Can't die yet, I've got too much to do."
Highlights: Saved the world three times
Lowlights: Government keeps on playing him for a fool
Really Hates: The U.S. government
Self Destructive Habits: Smoking; Getting into gunfights
Least Favorite State: Alaska
The Winner Is…
Snake
Both Snake and Snake are worthy opponents, both are accomplished fighters, both have saved the world, and both are loved by thousands. However only one of them, Snake, has been in the movie Escape from New York which happens to be, as Gene Shalet said when he reviewed it "Totally fucking sweet". Snake is also played by Kurt Russell, who is not only the best actor ever but was also in the movie Big Trouble in Little China which, like Escape from New York, is awesome.
Seal vs. Seal
Seal
Also Known As: Henry Samuel
You May Know Him From: His acclaimed singing career
Quote: "To me you're like a growing addiction that I can't deny, yeah."
Biggest Hit: Kiss From a Rose
Highlights: Has to date released four albums
Lowlights: People who dislike him will make fun of his name by calling him Walrus.
Recent Accomplishments: Just released a new album titled Seal IV
Favorite Food: Chicken Asparagus Lasagna
Worst Enemy: Carla White
Makes His Home in: The hearts of children everywhere
VS.
Seal
Also Known As: Harp Seal
You May Know Him From: The Seal volume of Zoobooks
Quote: "bark bark mmwerowoo"
Biggest Hit: The Greenpeace video where the poacher clubs him so that he can later be made into a hat.
Highlights: Provided Europe with millions of barrels of oil in the 1700s
Lowlights: Massive Seal slaughters in the 1950s
Recent Accomplishments: Highest Harp Seal populations of the last fifty years
Favorite food: Fish and some crustaceans
Worst Enemy: Killer Whales
Makes His Home in: The Artic
The Winner Is…
Seal
Despite the commercial and critical successes of Seal I'm going to have to go with the unpopular choice of Seal here. I'm sure that I will be receiving hate mail from the millions of angry Seal fans for his loss here but what can I say? Ever since he became the most popular singer in the world with his mega his Kiss From a Rose, it seems like he has just been phoning it in. He needs somebody to say "Hey Seal, this stuff is excellent, but it could be so much more. You are Seal, the innovator, it is time you made miracles happen and shook the music industry to its knees." Plus, Harp Seals are so damn cute.
Garfield vs. Garfield
Garfield
Also Known as: Garfield the Cat
Known for: Hating Mondays, being lazy, eating Italian cuisine
Quote: "Christmas isn't about the getting, it's about the loving."
Highlights: Starred in the best cartoon series ever; comic has continued successes despite drastic drop in quality.
Lowlights: As of late the comic is less funny then B.C., and B.C. is a horrible comic
May Have Inspired: The Boomtown Rats song "I Don't Like Mondays"
Entertains Other by: Pushing Odie off of tables
Really Hates: Nermal, and to a lesser degree Odie
VS.
Garfield
Also Known As: James A. Garfield
Known For: Being assassinated only a few months after his election
Quote: "Be fit for more than the thing you are now doing. Let everyone know that you have a reserve in yourself; that you have more power than you are now using. If you are not too large for the place you occupy, you are too small for it."
Highlights: Was president for a short enough time that he didn't really get blamed for anything
Lowlights: Would have survived but a doctor stuck his finger in the bullet hole and punctured his liver
May Have Inspired: The Garfield the Cat comic.
Entertained Others: By writing in Greek with one hand and in Latin with the other
Really Hates: The Patronage System being used in politics; that "asshole" who shot him
The Winner Is…
Garfield
While initially I was thinking about picking Garfield, in the end I decided to instead declare Garfield the winner. You look at the facts, while Garfield may have been a president, but only for a few months before he was gunned down. However Garfield has been delivering for many many years, and while recently he has suffered from a decline in quality, his past exploits are enough to make him the winner.