An Ewok Adventure, My Star Wars NovelGeorge Lucas is a dick. For the last several years I have been writing a book based off of the Star Wars Franchise. I began work on it when I realized that hardcore Star Wars fans will buy anything even remotely related to the series. So I set to work creating what is not only the best Star Wars book ever, but quite possibly the best book of any subject ever. Unfortunately, George Lucas, who has final say over all Star Wars merchandise, turned it down. I don't know why but I'm guessing it has a lot to do with him being a fag. Luckily, I have found a small time publisher who has agreed to publish it for me. They think that the impending lawsuits will create enough hype for the book to insure that we both make a tidy profit. So look for An Ewok Adventure in bookstores near you.
Here are some excerpts from several chapters of the book, which I am sure will make you yearn for the full story. I don't reveal anything to major here, but if you don't want anything spoiled then you may want to just wait for the actual release. Anybody who isn't a pussy and reads on will be treated to some exciting parts from several chapters of the book.
Wicket Warrick looked at the monstrous steel behemoth before him. A Star Destroyer which had fallen to the moon of Endor. It had only recently been discovered, apparently abandoned. Its original crew had either been rescued or eaten by the many forest creatures. He and his companions had only recently discovered it in a ravine, in an unexplored section of the jungle. They immediately had set upon repairing it, and now it was finally ready for flight.
"For far to long we have lived on this wretched moon, isolated and ignored. It is time for us to rise up and bend our will upon the universe," he thought. The time of the Republic and Empire is past. The age of the Ewoks has come…
Using blasters and ion cannons procured in the last raid, the Ewoks rained electric death upon the Republic outpost. General Muskeviake paced the perimeter of the empty command room. He had lost more than half of his troops during the first attack. The attack was a complete surprise. By the time they had gotten the blast doors closed and the shields up, most of his troops lay bleeding and dismembered. The smell of decaying flesh wafted through the complex. Since the initial attack, the Ewoks had not resented. Now the shields were nearly destroyed, all hope lied in the Republic reinforcements that he had called for. His silent mulling was interrupted by a young soldier.
"Sir I have some news," the soldier stammered.
"What is it?" General Muskeviake barked.
"It's the reinforcements sir," the soldier said. "They have been defeated. The Ewoks ambushed them just as they exited hyperspace. There were no survivors".
"Send out the signal for surrender. If we give up now the Ewoks may show us mercy." The young soldier hurried out to perform this task. General Muskeviake sat in his command chair, put his blaster into his mouth and pulled the trigger. The blast rang through the nearly empty base, and another planet fell to the Ewoks…
The morning of the battle of Yavin, Luke Skywalker was in his room in Coruscant's presidential palace masturbating. Love may be forbidden by the Jedi Code, but loving yourself was alright. Luke was worried that the plan to install a spy among the Ewoks would fail with disastrous consequences. He was hoping that he would be able to work out a little tension, as well as a little semen. As his hand ran up his aching shaft thoughts of the plan ran through his head. Lando Calrissian had suggested that Chewbacca pose as an Ewok and join the insurrection. Han had pointed out that Chewbacca was at least six feet taller then any Ewok ever born, but Lando just responded by saying, "Don't worry, just leave this up to me". Lando and Chewbacca then left. That was nearly a week ago and Luke was worried something had gone awry. Luke began twisting his nipples with his left hand. He was close, oh so close, suddenly there was a knock on the door, he froze.
"Who is it?" he called out while trying to pull on his trousers.
"It's Han," Han said.
"Oh yeah alright," Luke stammered. He leaned against the headboard of the bed and grabbed a Jedi scroll from his nightstand. "Come in."
Han entered. "I was just reading this Jedi scroll," Luke said nervously.
Han looked around the room, noticing the many tissues on the bed, and the copy of Teen Twilek on the floor. He chose to ignore these and stick to the task on hand.
"We just got word from Lando," he said. "Chewbacca has been accepted. Leia wants us to meet in the meeting room to discuss future plans."
"Okay, I'll be down in a minute," Luke said. He could still feel his unit, throbbing, urging him to defile himself.
Han left and closed the door, leaving Luke to finish the job. Fifteen minutes later he joined them in the meeting room…
Wicket exited the sauna laughing and slapping his knee. A Republic defector who called himself Chewbacca had just told yet another hilarious joke that left Wicket gasping for breath. This monster of a Ewok said that he had been captured by Republic soldiers following the battle on Endor against the Empire. They then had subjected him to experimental growth hormones which explained his large size. When he found out about the Ewok Army, he escaped his captures in order to join and extract revenge on those who had wronged him. Wicket could tell that this Ewok would go places in his army.
Kneesaa came up to them. "We just got a message from our men in the field," she
said as she handed a piece of paper to Wicket. "Oh hi, Chewbacca."
Chewbacca smiled and waved at her. His wet fur clung to him, in all the right places. Kneesaa looked at him and thought "He must be huge." She loved Wicket, but there was something about this new Ewok that made her feel like no other Ewok ever had in the past. There was something raw and masculine about him that brought out the primal animal in her. Something that made her barely able to contain herself, she wanted to kiss him, to feel his him inside of her. She wanted his urine to flow on to her face and slowly drip off.
"This is not good," Wicket said snapping her out of her daydream. "Come on you two, there is work to be done…
"I'm sorry I couldn't do it," Logray sobbed. "I just couldn't slaughter innocent children."
"Weakling," Wicket snarled as the back of his hand connected with Logray's nose, causing blood to splatter across the room.
"Please show me mercy!" Logray cried out.
"Let me show you the kind of mercy that I hand out," Wicket said. In a flash he pulled out his blaster and fired it, causing Logray's head to explode in a fantastic display of gore. "Let this be a lesson for all of those who disobey me," he cried out. The crowd was shocked by his display of brutality.
Wicket walked over to Logray's corpse and removed a medallion from his chest. He handed this to Chewbacca.
"Chewbacca," he said "You are my new lieutenant"…
Han Solo and Lando Calrissian, both still very drunk, piloted the Lady Luck over the jungles of Kashyyyk. They had to hurry, Luke at any moment could succumb to alcohol poisoning, and the secrets he had learned would die with him.
"Fucking Jedis can't hold their liquor!" Lando said filled with black rage.
"Great idea taking Luke out for a victory drink," Han said sarcastically.
Lando slapped Han in the face and screamed "Shut up you motherfucking cracker before I throw you out of this fucking ship"…
Kneesaa groaned with delight as Chewbacca licked her body with his long, rough tongue. Her nipples stood erect, he took his large meaty hands and rubbed them raw. It hurt, but at the same time filled her with desire.
"Do it, do it now" she moaned.
Chewbacca mounted her, and with one powerful thrust sent her into heaven, but he wasn't done yet. He continued to pump her, and each time she was brought to the brink, and then beyond, into ecstasy.
Neither one of them noticed the pair of red eyes watching them from the closet…
Well that's all I'm going to give you now. To find out what happens to those zany Ewoks make sure to buy An Ewok Adventure coming soon to bookstores. Also keep an eye out for my upcoming books An Ewok Adventure II: Flight Through Time, and An Ewok Adventure III: Search for Lando's Gold.