Nintendo Shirts 2: Electric BoogalooYou may remember an article I wrote some time ago about Nintendo t-shirts. Well due to the massive response (I got two whole emails about it and neither one of the called for my death) I have decided to write a sequel. This will allow me to cover ground that I couldn't get to in the first article and more importantly, allow me to write an article that is very easy and mostly made up of pictures.
Well look at that, the shirt commands you to know what the mushrooms from various Mario games do, but is then kind enough to tell you what they do. If you buy this shirt, think of it as a handy guide that you can't consult if you are wearing it. If you see another person wearing this shirt, hope it's are a girl with some nice tits because you have a perfect excuse to stare for a couple of seconds. "Hey baby I just wanted to know my shrooms, that's not sexual harassment."
Final Grade: B-
Fuck I don't know what's happening on this shirt, but its pretty intense. Is this even a shirt? There are no arm holes, but when I searched for "Nintendo + shirts" on Froogle, this came up. Froogle is like Google but it only searches for shirts or something.
Final Grade: A+ if you're tripping, other wise B
This is the kind of shirt you wear if you are jiggy with being classically trained. It's the sort of shirt a person would buy because they think liking things that are old or obscure makes them cooler then people who like things that are new. These are the same middle schoolers who buy Beatles and The Who shirts despite not being able to name more then three songs by either group.
Final Grade: D
This shirt is all wrong, not that it's inaccurate, just in bad taste. First of all what shade of green is that? I call it "ugly as fuck" green. Then there's the actual graphic. While I can see a shirt proclaiming Link as Zelda's hero, why the hell does it have a picture of the octopus guy as opposed to, oh I don't know, ZELDA?
Final Grade: D-
Everybody loves a player, sounds like it should be a hip hop song. "Everybody loves a player/ baby why you such a hater?" I guarantee that song would go gold so many times that the gold would turn into a more valuable metal. Actually now that I think about it, that song sounds a bit to much like the one that goes "Everybody loves a clown so why don't you/a clown has feeling to" so I better just scrape the idea before I could sued by Gary Lewis, and possibly the playboys.
Final Grade: C
Holy fuck this shirt is cool beyond comprehension.
Final Grade A+
Looks like Nintendo is co-opting phrases and symbols from the black power movement. I suppose in theory a black person could wear this shirt, but I honestly doubt that will ever happen. Hopefully this leads the way to a shirt that says "Kill Bluey" with a picture of Sonic the Hedgehog being shot execution style.
Final Grade A
Hey it's Mario and he's got some crazy Japanese writing behind him. People seem to think that random Japanese writing is cool for some reason, but to me it just seems like its trouble. Everything's cool until one day some guy from Tokyo reads your shirt and karate kicks you in your face because it turns out your shirt says "Junichiro Koizumi* sucks cock" and that guy is pro-Junichiro Koizumi's cabinet.
Final Grade: C-
* Junichiro Koizumi is the prime minister of Japan, you uneducated American swine.
I think the 85 is significant because that is the year the Nintendo came out. Of course it could simply be that 85 is Mario's favorite number. All I know is that Mario certainly looks excited. Look at him all pointing and shit. Its too bad he isn't pointing at the number. As it is now, it looks like he is pointing in the general direction of the person's nipple.
Final Grade: B
Its hard to get a "Nintendo" high score because most "Nintendos" don't keep score. "Nintendo" games can keep score but the shirt does not clarify which game it is referring to. Also the shirt's pink, why? Guys don't want to wear pink shirts and most woman don't want to wear Nintendo shirts.
This reminds me of this one kid in high school who wore a pink Girl Scouts shirt on occasion. We made fun of him for wearing it, but nobody really cared about that. We all hated him and would have found something to make fun of him about, the pink shirt just made our job much easier. Kids who get made fun of for being Goth should remember this. It's not about what you are wearing, they dislike you because of your personality.
Final Grade: D-
Maybe I was wrong about that girls not wearing Nintendo shirts comment, this shirt looks like it is especially made for woman, or possibly skinny men with well defined pectoral muscles. Other then the gender confusion, this shirt is pretty straight forward. Calling Toad a Nintendo Superstar may be pushing it, but he has done some good work for the Mario franchise.
Final Grade: B
First of all this shirt was made in the USA so that means that it is expensive and probably poorly made. Say what you will about child labor, those Indonesians can tailor. In case you were one of the five people who never played Gauntlet, food is used to restore health, and the Wizard was always dieing because he sucked. In most games when you have a wizard his low defense and health is made up by range attacks and giant fireballs. In Gauntlet, everybody had ranged attacks and there weren't any fireballs that I can remember. Fuck you Wizard
Final Grade: C
Man I love veiled drug references.
Final Grade: C+
The shirts pretty fuzzy, but it says "Violence Begins at Home." I also suppose this isn't really a Nintendo shirt since that is a Playstation controller. I like the Playstation and Playstation 2 controllers because they are the closest thing we get to the Super Nintendo controller, which was the best controller. X Box controllers are too big, and I can never find the black and white buttons. Gamecube controllers are too small and I can't hit the Z button without hitting R by accident. Dreamcast controllers are pretty good, but nobody else bought a Dreamcast so it doesn't matter what I say about it. As far as most of you know or care, the Dreamcast could be made out of Mozzarella cheese and the controller could be a converted into a three corner hat.
Final Grade: D
I was going to rail this shirt for being just another "this game is old and therefore cool" shirts but then I noticed that old is spelled "Olde", like it's the sign for a British pub. That made me laugh and helped out the overall grade.
Final Grade C
Something tells me that the Nintendo Rehabilitation Clinic is not real. If it is I hope they treat drug problems with obscure Nintendo metaphors. "Kick that coke habit, like you are the Kickmaster." "Blast that crack like Blaster Master." Umm, "You can't beat Battletoads unless you have full control of all your senses." I don't know, that last one kind of sucked.
Hopefully those at the Nintendo Rehabilitation Clinic were better at coming up with metaphors than me.
Final Grade B-
That is somebody's sweet homemade Bubble Bobble shirt. I cannot explain in mortal words how awesome that is. Sure, they just stole the comic from the instructional guide and put it on a shirt, but damn, that's a Bubble Bobble shirt. I've killed trying to get a Bubble Bobble shirt. Then this guy just has to taunt me by putting his on some random message board and bragging about how sweet it is and how it always gets him some hot tail. Oh Johnny, you'll get your own Bubble Bobble shirt, someday.
Final Grade: A+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
Nintendo 64 sucks. There were like 12 games that are good for it, and that's only if you like wrestling games, and games that are so bad that they are sort of fun. If I see anybody with shirt I will punch you in the balls.
Final Grade: F-