Insert Title Here[Editor's Note: It appears that Jason Mewes has provided us with another article written by him. It was scribbled on a roll of toilet paper with a highlighter pen and left under our mailbox. Because it was extremely hard to read, we left it to our intern, Michael, to decipher and he went blind in the process. So that his sacrifice will not be in vain, we bring you Jason Mewes' third column for this site.]
Ever since Kevin Smith kicked me out of his house again, I've been drifting around looking for places to crash and score weed. Kevin said I kept stealing from him which is bullshit because I never kept anything I took, I had to sell it for weed. But Kevin didn't see it that way. He'd get pissed he'd all get back from an important meeting and his TV and dinner table would be gone. Kevin figured I was taking his stuff, but the butterball couldn't pin nothing on me 'cause I'm the man. He'd ask if I knew anything about his missing stuff on account of I was home all day. I said I was out at the playground playing hackysack when it happened but if those dudes who took your shit came back I'd fuck up their shit man you know it bro. Kevin acted cool but started making me come with him to work to keep an eye after all his light bulbs were missing and then his dog went gone cause I sold it for blunt. That was pretty tits getting to hang out with dudes in suits who wanted to know what I thought about Kevin's new movie idea. I didn't know what they was talking about new movie and shit. I just had to excuse myself to the bathroom every ten minutes so I could light up and enjoy a blunt in peace. Kevin finally kicked me out after I swiped his dad's heart pills to sell to some Puerto Rican who thought it was GHB. Kevin was screaming at me telling me his dad needs those to live. Then he kicked me out of his house. I was pretty bummed man, me and Kevin have been tight forever, plus those Puerto Ricans are going to be pissed when they find out I gypped them. I drifted around sleeping in alleys and the woods and for awhile I thought I had a pretty sweet pad when I was staying at a battered women's shelter. That was killer, just me and a whole bunch of newly single chicks. You know they learned that a man deserves respect and no backtalk. Oh yeah. I was knee deep in fine ass pussy until I put the moves on this fox yeah and she starting yelling that I was really a dude. Fuck yeah I'm a man I said I what you think I only have long hair because I'm not going to pay some jerkoff money so he can cut my hair. What's up with that shit. Yous don't need to be doing that for money, you should do it for free and get a real job. Then I was about to whip out 12 incher to show all these bitches how much of a man I really am, but they was ganging up on me pretty fast and it got dangerous and shit and I was going to defend myself by hitting a few with my sock full of pennies, but I realized I spent all those pennies on smokes, so I ran the fuck out of there and just kept going till I found my way back to Kevin's house and fell asleep in his front lawn. Next thing I knew, Kevin woke me up and said hey man you're actually early this time, good job. Kevin said we was going up to Canada to be on Degrassi. I didn't know what that was, but I wasn't allowed into Canada because I have a criminal record. The pigs caught me peeing on the sidewalk but what the fuck you got to go you got to go. Then there was the time I was arrested for breaking into Kevin's car and all the times I was nailed for possession. So I had to stay hidden in Kevin's trunk when we crossed the border. Turns out Degrassi was some high school. I don't know if we were shooting a movie or we were actually graduating from high school, but I remember I got with this fine ass latin girl at the prom and we were attacked by ninjas. But I wasn't scared. Hell no. I wasn't gonna let some gay fag Japanese dues in pajamas fuck up a chance for me to score some pussy. So I fought them off using my mad fighting skills and Kevin was yelling at me that I gave one guy a concussion and busted another guys ribs and they was just acting or something. The girls was all like leave me alone too, I'm underage and you smell dirty. Then Kevin would give a juice box and have me stand in the corner.