A Trip to the Fair
[Part 1 - Part 2]The State Fair was in town and I decided to go to it. Because only lonely losers go to fairs alone I went with my good friend up and coming musician William Kenneth, and fellow Dumbbaby associate Billie Green.
On my way to the fair I saw this sweet car. Look how awesome it is, it has two back axles. That is the coolest thing ever.
Billy made sure to get both of his hands stamped in case one of them got washed off. I like to live life on the edge so I only had one hand stamped. This meant that when I went to the bathroom there was a good chance of it washing off. Of course the bathrooms were all so unclean I wasn't going to go in there unless it was a life or death situation.
We began wandering around and came upon a stage. There wasn't anybody performing, but a crowd had formed so we decided to see who was coming up. Turns out it was a musical group made up completely of forest rangers from Colorado. One of the forest rangers used to be a lawyer. He made a joke about how lawyers are disliked, we all laughed and laughed.
William pointed out that the woman's armbands are very similar looking to the ones that Josh Homme wears.
But as you see that the woman not only has armbands on both arms but hers are also much larger. This means that Josh Homme is less manly then her. Well at least he still has better hair.
By this point I was getting hungry and suggested that we get some food. Billy and William both told me to go to hell and I threatened to cut them with my switchblade. We walked around for a while and found the food trailer run by the Lions Club. This is a good place to get food because they have the menu painted on the side of the trailer and updating the menu requires repainting the trailer. This means I'm paying the same price for cheeseburgers as fair goers in the 70s. I got a burger and a pop. The ancient man handing out food forgot to give me a straw, and a napkin, and also my food. I would suggest that the Lions Club get somebody a little younger and less senile to run their booth, but everybody in the Lions Club is old and senile.
Meanwhile Billy and William had wandered towards some sort of ice cream stand. I'm not exactly sure what happened, but they came back very frightened and wouldn't tell me why. At this point we thought it would be fun to walk through the barns full of animals. I don't know why I agreed to this since I was eating and those barns smell like shit. I guess it's just because farm produce is so damn adorable. The first barn was the rabbit and chicken barn. I commented that I liked rabbits more then chickens. William said he liked chickens more then rabbits. So I told him that makes him like his mother because she loves my cock. This was about the time he started punching me. So we agreed to disagree, I admitted that chickens have many admirable qualities and he admitted that I haven't had sex with his mother, except for that one time at the costume party.
We went to leave the barn and were surprised to find that it was raining something fierce. We ran to the nearest barn which happened to be the pig barn. This turned out to be a bad idea. Seconds after we entered a 500 pound porker came bounding towards us. It was some sort of pig revolution, and we were smack dab in the middle of it. Then, in the sweetest move ever, this guy jumped on the pig and tried to pull it back in the pen. As hard as it is to believe, the average flannel clad adult cannot easily move an angry pig that is three times his weight. Then this guy with a stick came up and just started smacking the pig in the face. The old adage proved true, nothing gets a pig to turn around like a stick to the face. We wondered around the pig pen for awhile and noticed that there were several cages that weren't locked. It looked like the pigs were about to make another move so we got out of there.
We went through the cow barn, but cows are boring and smelly so I'm not going to talk about it. By the time we finished walking through the cow barn the rain had stopped, so we vowed to walk through the interesting parts of the fair. We walked by the rides, but did not ride any. If I want to get dizzy and sick I'm just going to drink booze. About this time William and Billy were getting hungry, I told them they should have eaten when I did because I wasn't hungry. Billy got a sub or hamburger or something, maybe both, I don't remember. What is important is that William got corn on the cob. That's fucked up. Who buys corn on the cob at the fair? Who actually eats corn on the cob anywhere outside of summer barbeques?
Who cares look at where we ate. That's a castle motherfucker. Not just anybody can eat in there, if that dragon doesn't like you, bam! you are on fire. That's why the huge guy in suspenders is sitting on the bench; he wasn't cool enough to eat in the castle with us.
Hey look it's a robot. That robot loves Coca Cola™ even though drinking it will make him electrocute himself. The robot rolled around making small talk with fair goers. He seemed a little set off by the trio of twenty somethings who were obsessing over him. Personally I don't think the robot was real. There was a guy with a track phone walking about five feet away from the robot with his left hand in a bag saying everything the robot said into the phone seconds before the robot said it. This means he was either controlling the robot or a psychic who was transcribing the conversation to a friend.
After awhile we came upon a petting zoo. This petting zoo was pretty sweet, it had a shit load of goats, two kangaroos, and a baby deer. That's right bitch a deer. When was the last time you petted a deer, and fed it treats? Never because you've never gone to the sweetest zoo ever.
The only trouble is that the deer wasn't very cooperative. It was all sitting by the edge of the cage where we couldn't reach it, so we had to be content with throwing food at it for a while.
Billy told me to take this picture because we can see the kangaroo's balls, and that's funny stuff. He pointed out that this is the kind pictures that Collegehumor.com has and they get approximately 10,000 more people per second then Dumbbaby, so we're going to just start copying them. Any female fans can feel free to send us pictures of their breasts, really we won't mind.
While we were photographing kangaroo privates, William was looking at a monkey. In addition to the petting zoo there was also a series of cages set up with animals we weren't allowed to pet. There was a tiger, a different kind of tiger, and four monkeys. William was talking to one named Timmy. The conversation went something like this.
William: Hey Timmy, Timmy, Hey Timmy look over here
Timmy looks scared.
William: Timmy hey you want a peanut hey Timmy.
Timmy eats some Chex mix.
William: Hey that monkey loves Chex mix, hey Timmy you like Chex Mix?
Timmy looks longingly at the camel rides.
William: Timmy wants a camel ride, hey how much are camel rides?
Camel ride guy: Eight dollars.
William: How much for Timmy.
Camel ride guy: Oh I don't think he wants a ride.
William: Can't you see that he is looking at the camel rides? Just give him a ride.
Camel ride guy: I can't do that.
William: What if I ride with him?
Camel ride guy looks away from William and wishes that he had finished high school.
Oh well, here is a picture of good old Timmy. Keep trying little monkey, someday you will ride that camel.
And here is a picture of a monkey with a boner. I told you, we're going lowbrow from here on out.
After viewing the genitals of dozens and dozens of animals I didn't think that the fair could get more sexual, I then saw something that shocked and bewildered me.
Yes that is a clown sodomizing a drunken elephant. I always knew that clowns sodomized you if you passed out around them, but I never thought they would do it to an elephant, and then publicly display their exploits on a mural on the side of a funhouse. This is when I realized that this was no ordinary fair, it was an EVIL FAIR!!!!!!!
Well at least more evil then most.
[Part 1 - Part 2]