A Trip to the Fair
[Part 1 - Part 2]
Now that I had realized the evil that was upon us, it was like my eyes were opened for the fist time. Every where I looked I saw more evidence that this fair had its origins hell itself. If I may provide some evidence:
Exhibit A: They Crucified Homer Simpson
Not the real Homer, but you can't deny that they are sending a sobering message. Homer is just an average Joe trying to make his way in the world and by crucifying his effigy, the fair is showing how they wish to destroy and corrupt the everyday man.
Exhibit 2: Scooby Doo in a Speedo
They sexualized Scooby Doo. I thought this was the kind of evil that only the internet possessed, but now it is spilling over to real life. This is a slippery slope that can only end in the destruction of mankind. This year its sanctity clad Scooby Doo, next year it'll be nude Power Puff Girls toys, and then nuclear strikes from every other country in the world because they don't want our filth to spread to their countries.
Exhibit Beta: The Dirtiest Man Alive
The first picture is blurry because the dirtiest man alive is like Sasquatch, and can turn himself blurry if he sees a camera coming. Luckily Billy was able to distract him long enough to allow me to sneak by and get the second picture. Look at him, he is amazing. His mullet goes all the way down to his shoulders. That's not right, not right at all. He's running the sharp shooting both assumingly because he wants to be near guns in case somebody tries to make him bathe. He also appears to be pregnant, so that means there are miniature filthiest man alive on the way.
Well dirtiest man alive was the last straw. We had to escape this fair before they chopped us up and made us into corndogs. We started towards the exit but were stopped.
Holy shit that's a fucking Gremlin man. This explains the evils that were upon us. Obviously Stripe has enslaved the carnies and was using them to promote his pro-Gremlins/anti-human agenda.
"You will never defeat me and my zombie army!" Stripe cackled. We took off in the other direction but that guy Stripe is riding was fast. It looked like it was going to be the end when our savior came upon us, it was none other than-
SMOKEY THE BEAR!
"Your reign of evil has gone on long enough Stripe, it's time for me to kick your ass!"
While Smokey fought against ultimate evil, the park ranger escorted us into Pocket Park. "This is a safe zone," she informed us, then she showed us a display about how Sea Lamprey are bad for the Great Lakes. Hey Rangers I get it, Sea Lamprey suck. Maybe if you spent less time going to fairs and elementary schools to inform us about how much they suck, you could actually find a way to kill them. Most of you readers probably aren't from the U.P. (that's what we call Upper Michigan around these parts) but if you were you would understand what I'm talking about. There was also a pond in Pocket Park that children could fish in, but that seemed unnecessary since most of the fish appeared to already be dead. After about twenty minutes, Smokey came back and informed us it was safe to leave Pocket Park. He then held up Stripes dead body. We were all like "Sweet Smokey you rock." But then he started eating Stripe's corpse, which was pretty disturbing. William really wanted to get out of the fair after seeing this. But Billy and I spend more time on the internet then him so we have built up a resistance to disturbing things and weren't as upset as he was.
Despite William's requests to get out as soon as possible, Billy and I wanted to walk through the expo building. This place is awesome; all kinds of vendors set up booths and give away free stuff. The fair has been my exclusive source of yardsticks and pocket bibles for years. The first thing you see when you enter is a hot tub display. And in the back there is an entirely different hot tub company trying to sell hot tubs. I guess a lot of people buy hot tubs at the fair and just strap them to the top of their car when they leave or something.
These hot tubs were set up outside of the bathrooms, so if all the sinks are being used you can just rinse your hands off in one of the displays.
While at the Republican booth I found out that since I dislike Republicans I am now a Democrat. This makes me sad because I don't really like Democrats either, bunch of no good pussies. The Republican lady running the booth also refused to believe that Billy was from Upper Michigan because he didn't like the Republicans either. I guess only Republicans live above the Mackinaw Bridge, those are the rules.
Across from the Republicans was the best booth ever, Mountain Man Furs. It's sad really that the once well respected fur trappers have been reduced to selling their wares at the state fair. That's just a sign of the times I guess. These days you can't go into Wal-Mart and trade beaver pelts for supplies and whiskey like you could in the good old days. I was going to buy a badger pelt but then the guy with the beard started rubbing my head and said, "You've got real purdy hair, like ferret." And this scared me away.
Over in the next aisle there was another display about how Sea Lamprey have killed every single fish in the Great Lakes. Damn it D.N.R. people we get it, Sea Lampreys are bad. Go kill them already, you have our permission.
Billy saw a sign that said "massages", and we all got very excited but as it turned out that they were selling massage chairs, not what we were expecting, which was a hand job. I don't know why the local illegitimate masseuses don't advertise at the fair, it seems like they could widen their customer base. Without them giving out free samples, the only place at the fair to get a hand job is behind the Ferris wheel, and trust me it isn't pretty or very pleasurable.
As proof that the fair was no longer evil they gave the blue ribbon to a big picture of Jesus. Look at him, Jesus is so happy and contemplative. This picture must have been taken before he was crucified or possibly after he came back and knew all those dirty Jews were going to get what's coming to them.
Well, we had done about everything we could at the fair with the exception of things that would cost us money. It had definitely been a full day, we had been caught in the rain, nearly been killed by pigs, eaten in a castle, and had witnessed an ancestral evil that has been plaguing mankind since the beginning of time killed by Smokey the Bear, and most important of all we had gotten free shit.
[Part 1 - Part 2]