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The Mega Man Story Explained

Megaman
Our Hero
Modern Literature is home to many classic tales. I don't recall any at this very moment but I am sure there are many, probably something by John Grisham, people seem to enjoy his works. Like that one about the lawyer who fought against all odds. But there is one tale that I don't think gets enough respect, and that is the captivating story of Mega Man. Part of the problem seems to be that people have trouble grasping his story. I can't count the times that somebody said to me, "Johnny, I just don't understand Mega Man, the games are fun but the story is complicated. I feel like I am missing out on something." I understand this problem, because the games are often unclear about certain aspects, so that means you have to look to other sources like instruction manuals and shit people have made up on the internet. Most people don't have time to study Mega Man. I on the other hand, not only have studied Mega Man but have written several essays on the subject of Mega Man for the New Yorker. So I am taking is upon myself to explain the story line of the Mega Man game, so that everybody can know the details behind this compelling saga.

It all starts in the futuristic world of 20XX. In the Mega Man universe dates are simply referred to as 20XX with the Xs representing an unknown year. This is a useful device that prevents the games from happening in the past until we reach the year 2099. This is a device more movies needed to use. I can't tell you how disappointed I am that 1996 has come and gone and we still haven't converted New York City into a gigantic prison.

As out story begins, Dr. Light and his partner, Dr. Wily, recent graduates from Michigan Tech University, have taken it upon themselves to better humanity by building a bunch of robots to perform the most dangerous jobs, so humans won't have to. They built a lumberjack robot, a mining robot, a demolition robot, a fireman robot, and an Eskimo. I assume the Eskimo was built to fill the void left by the great Eskimo Genocide of 20XX. As it turns out Dr. Wily's intentions weren't as pure as one would assume. He hijacked the robots and used them to take over the world. So remember everybody: if you want to take over the world all it takes is six people with menial jobs and an Eskimo. He called these robots Robot Masters and sent them to destroy humanity.

When Dr. Wily stole the robots and took over the world, he neglected to do anything about Dr. Light's personal robots Rock and Roll. Yes he actually named them Rock and Roll, Dr. Light is a fucking tool. I appreciate puns as much as the next guy but that is just unacceptable. Rock was designed to help Dr. Light in the lab, and was built to resemble a ten year old boy, physically and mentally. This is because Dr. Light is a creepy old man. Roll is a maid and resembles a ten year old girl, which is only slightly less creepy. Wily might be trying to conquer the world but at least he's not molesting robots who resemble children.

Rock, wanting to get as far away from Dr. Light as possible, volunteered to be outfitted with a gun and go stop Wile. This day Rock died and Mega Man was born. Roll on the other hand, remained in the house and had to suffer through Dr. Light's "sponge baths." Because of Mega Man's background as a cleaning robot, he had the ability of gaining the powers from the Robot Master's he killed. Don't ask how cleaning things leads to getting equipped with Bubble Lead, it just does. Not that it really matters since 99% of the weapons are less useful then the basic gun. Also because Mega Man is a robot, he cannot feel love.

Mega Man goes through a wild series of adventures were he kills every single robot he sees. No arrests here, due process is for humans suckas. When the final Robot Master is lying dead at Mega Man's feet it is time for him to go after Dr. Wily. I have never actually beaten the first Mega Man game since it is hard as all fuck, so I have to go by hearsay on what happens. From what I gather, Mega Man is able to defeat Wily and arrests him. Sure it's fine and dandy when robots are killed but heaven forbid you kill the human. That is just plain racist. Robot on robot violence must end.

As game number II comes around Dr. Wily has escaped from jail and is trying to take over the world with robots custom made to destroy. If you thought there was nothing deadlier then an Eskimo, you were wrong. We are never informed who financed the building of these robots, but they must be wealthy. Robot parts don't come cheap, and at least one of these robots, Metal Man, is made out of Metal. A rich benefactor, or group of benefactors working in the shadows, financing the seeds of destruction, pulling puppet strings, is a very intriguing idea. It's too bad it never actually comes about.

Mega Man 2 is a lot like Rocky II. Rocky II is basically Rocky but he and Adrian are now a couple, and he has money in the beginning. Mega Man doesn't have money or a woman, but he does fight a bunch of robot masters in order to capture Dr. Wily, who in this analogy is Apollo Creed, except Wily hates freedom while Apollo Creed wears red white and blue shorts. Apollo Creed is also black.

So Mega Man goes around defeating evil and what not. He makes it to Wily's fortress and defeats him, and then defeats him a couple of more times, and then defeats an alien version of Wily who is actually a hologram, except holograms are typically portrayed as not being physical, just something that you can see. So maybe its not a hologram at all. Mega Man captures Dr. Wily and everybody is happy. There is a celebration in Mega Man's honor, and they serve shrimp cocktail, Mega Man loves shrimp.

Proto Man
Nice Scarf Queer
Seeing the horrible destruction that robots have brought to the world Dr. Light decides the best course of action would be to build a gigantic robot to protect the world. He enlists the aid of world famous robot builder Dr. Wily, because you know he has only tried to conquer the world twice, and the world of Mega Man works on the "three strikes and your out" rule. Well Dr. Wily sort of steals the giant peace keeping robot and uses it to take over the world. With his latest idea failing, Dr. Light decides to go with the old standby of sending Mega Man to save the day. Along the way Mega Man is forced to do battle with the mysterious Break Man who is in reality Proto Man, who is Mega Man's brother. Proto Man was originally a prototype that was eventually made into Mega Man. I guess when Mega Man was made Proto Man got jealous and ran away. It also turns out that he is really on Mega Man's side, and has been fighting him to make sure that Mega Man is ready to do battle or something. I don't know why this guy feels like he needs to test him. Mega Man has already defeated Dr. Wily twice. If Proto Man really wants to help he could go with Mega Man and help defeat robot masters. I think the reason that the doesn't just take this approach is because he is a douche.

I think there is also a subplot with some robot who like Mega Man has the powers of other robots. I haven't beaten the game yet so I don't know. If I end of beating it before I finish the article, I will let you know.

Drago
Mega Man IV
The fourth game opens with eight robot masters being sent out to take over the world, but this time it isn't Dr. Wily's doing, but is in fact the mysterious Dr. Cossak, who is from Russia or something. Kind of like Drago, Rocky's opponent from Rocky IV. I don't know what country Mega Man comes from, but I'm going to pretend it's America so that I can learn a lesson about tolerance and not hating Russia. Mega Man IV is not as good as Rocky IV because Rocky IV has five montages throughout it, while Mega Man IV only has two. You can judge how good something is by the number of montages it has. For example Little Giants has more montages then Hamlet, so it is a better form of entertainment. Little Giants also has Rick Moranis, who was in Ghostbusters which starred Bill Murray, who played Polonius in the 2000 adaptation of Hamlet.

Turns out Dr. Cossack was being forced to take over the world by Dr. Wily, who had captured Dr. Cossak's daughter. Proto Man decides that since he hasn't done anything useful during the last three games, he might as well save her. He doesn't due this until after Mega Man has defeated all of Cossack's Robot Masters, infiltrated Cossak's fortress and captured Cossak, so really it wasn't useful at all, fucking Proto Man. Mega Man then has to infiltrate Dr. Wily's fortress and capture him. What the hell is Wily not in jail anyways? I guess he could just be continually breaking out, but you would think after a while they could develop a jail that he couldn't break out of. Like they could put him on an island where the only people allowed on are the guards and him, and at any given point there are four guards watching his every move, while the others patrol the island, or they could just put him in a huge hole with guys on the top. Even when he escapes they could attack him before he tries taking over the world. Building robots must take a while, not to mention the gigantic fortresses. You would think it would actually be very easy to find where he is building a fortress and attack before it is finished.

While we're on logical inconsistencies here why doesn't Mega Man just warp into Wily's fortress right away, and then take on the rest of the robots after their leader has been captured, or forced into hiding? Also why doesn't Dr. Light build some more fucking robots? The only thing he has built since Mega Man is Rush, and he's just a dog who just assists Mega Man by allowing him to jump higher. Dr. Wily is able to build eight robot masters and countless numbers of robots minions to help them every couple of months, why can't Dr. Light get off his lazy ass and build Mega Man some help?

In Mega Man V, Mega Man returns from Russia to a hero's welcome. Unfortunately, he finds that all his money has been lost on the stock market and he is forced to declare bankruptcy, which causes stress for his family, especially his son. Due to the injuries he suffered in Russia, Mega Man can no longer fight, so he takes it upon himself to train new comer Tommy Gunn. Mega Man's son meanwhile feels betrayed by his father who is putting all his fatherly attention to Tommy Gunn. As Gunn wins more and more fights he becomes arrogant, and betrays Mega Man, by joining up with a man known only as Duke. It all comes to a head when Mega Man and Tommy Gunn duke it out in a back alley.

No wait...that doesn't seem right, let me check my notes. Okay that was actually the plot to Rocky V. I get Rocky V and Mega Man V confused all the time. In Mega Man V, Dr. Light is kidnapped by Proto Man, but it turns out that it was really a Proto man clone controlled by Dr. Wily. That's all I think, V is really one of the weaker entrees to the storyline, no real substance, just explosions and tits.

VI starts out with the mysterious Mr. X putting on a tournament to find out who the strongest robot fighter in the world. In a twist of fate he captures and reprograms the robots and uses them to take over the world. Turns out Mr. X is Dr. Wily. This would come as a surprise if they hadn't done this same twist in the last two days. Damn it Capcom stop resting on your laurels and put some effort into your work.

The entire robot tournament thing raises the question of who is making all these robots, and why aren't they helping Mega Man save the world? Originally we only have Dr. Light and Dr. Wily making robots so it makes sense for nobody to help Mega Man, and then we find out about Dr. Cossack but he's a Soviet so of course he's not going to help out the capitalist pigs. Now all of a sudden we got eight other people not only making robots but making tournament caliber robots. If these guys were helping, then these last couple of games would have been a lot easier. Nope, these guys are all "How about I just have my centaur robot hang out around the lair." Well take this fucker you never lifted a finger to help out and now Mega Man is going to destroy your hard work.

That rounds it up for the Nintendo Mega Man games. There was one for Super Nintendo that I played very rarely. It does feature Roll, so that's cool because she really hadn't done anything since the first one. There was also another for some screwed up system that nobody ever played like the Sega Saturn or something, which I am completely unfamiliar with. I don't know what happened in these games, but I will venture a guess that it involves Robot Masters and Dr. Wily.

At some point Dr. Light got off his fat bum and made another robot named Mega Man X but he is pretty queer. He doesn't like fighting and has long soliloquies about how he doesn't like fighting. Dr. Light was so embarrassed on how lame his robot turned out that he sealed it in a cave for a hundred years, so that by the time it started fighting evil everybody he knew would be dead, and they wouldn't need to know about his shame. Also for some reason, he made X really weak, and had to find power ups in various stages. I'm guessing Dr. Light did this as sort of a joke on X. Instead of just giving him all his power ups right away he hid them so that X would die a lot before he was able to be tough enough to actually kill people. Take that you pussy.

There are a whole bunch of games in the X series, and it has led to the Zero series which also has some games in it. I'm sure these games tell many great stories, but none as great as that of a little ten year old robot who traveled around murdering his fellow robots and fighting for everlasting peace. Mega Man, we will never forget you.

Mega Man X
Mega Man X getting ready to have butt sex

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