What I Got For My Birthday

Jesus Christ in his birthday hat. File Photo.

Hiya. I hope everyone had a Merry My Birthday. I know I did. You know, people always ask me what it's like to be 2005 years old, and I always tell them I feel as young as I did when I was 1500 years old. Ha ha. That's a little joke I came up with around the turn of the millennium. Fell free to put that one in your church's newsletter.

Anyhoo, I just wanted to tell you the presents I got from my friends and family. I'm just so excited.

Paul got me Madonna - Confessions on a Dancefloor. Madonna is back baby! I know I wasn't the only one let down by her last album, American Life. I thought she was really phoning it in and not putting the kind of hard work and dedication we normally get from the Material Girl. But now Madonna is back with a new album that is just dance song after dance song after dance song! Hot! No ballads at all on this album, just like you get with say, AC/DC. I guess.

Andrew got me Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. I know. I am so the last person in the world to read this book. Thing is, I've been busying the last few months trying out this great noodle maker I bought off late night TV. Billy Mays you sold me again! Suffice to say, I've been making a lot of pasta. And I means lots. People up here began to complain that I was cooking so much noodles. "Stop it already Jesus," they'd say. "This is heaven, no one needs to eat. Besides, these taste like rubber." Well now I can put the noodle maker in my closet along with my ginshu knives and bucket of Oxiclean and settle down with a good book.

Peter got me White Man Can't Jump on DVD. Yeah! This is the the funniest movie ever. I know I'm not the only one who when I think of the kings of comedy I think of Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson. This is just the regular edition with out any commentary or special features, which is too bad. I hope we get a special edition version released soon. I'll be the first cashing in my Amazon gift certificates for that.

Thomas and Bartholomew got me Sex and the City - Season 6 Part 2. Now my Sex and the City DVD collection is finally complete. Yey! Now I can enjoy all the adventures of that blonde girl, that brunette...um...that other blonde girl and that redhead no one likes. Ok, so I forget their names, but by watching this show, I learned so much about how the female mind thinks. I think all men need to watch a few episodes of Sex and the City. It will open your mind and make you realize a lot of things. For instance, it's totally a man's fault whenever a relationship fails to work out. We have to remember that women are perfect at all times and the problem is always our failure at something or other. It's the fault of men that there are women in their mid thirties and forties who are still single. For shame. Well, at least they show nipples on this show. That's cool.

Mary and Joseph got me a sweater. It's the folks and they've been getting me sweaters since forever. Know what it's like to have more than thousand sweaters lying around?

James got me Sheryl Crow - Wildflower. The queen of bland adult contemporary returns to the spotlight. I got into Sheryl Crow a lot later than most other people. I never paid much attention to her until I heard "Soak Up the Sun" on VH-1 and I was hooked. With Wildflower, it looks like Sheryl stuck with the same formula that's paid off for her time and time again. No need to rock the boat or try anything different. Don't take any risks. Sometimes good artists don't need to stretch themselves.

My kids got me a tie. Yeah, I know I have a hundred ties I never wear, but it's from the kids, so it's the thought that counts. Little Monique and God Jr. are the best kids a savior could have.

Simon, John, Jude, Matthew and Phillip pooled together and bought me an Xbox 360. I normally hate when so many people go in on a gift. Bunch of cheap Charlies. But the Xbox 360 is super sweet. I haven't actually set it up yet as I'm waiting for Halo 3 to come out. But when that game is released I'll have something to put this Xbox to use. Though sometimes I'll play Dead or Alive: Beach Volleyball, but only when I can have some privacy.

DAD got me a $50 savings bond. Same thing he always gets me. You know DAD is very practical like that.