Celebrity New Year Resolutions

Next season I hope to only throw ten interceptions...per game.

I will finally let that furnace repairman out of my basement.

I will stop using quotes from Clerks as pick up lines. I also hope to have sex.

I will have a show on Fox that doesn't get cancelled.

I will stop countering Johnny's finishing move and winning the match, causing him to start yelling obscenities and pressing reset until he eventually wins.

Jesus

I will stop procrastinating and finally come back to earth.

We will make a Sonic the Hedgehog game that doesn't suck.

On my next trip to Aruba I won't get drunk and go to secluded beaches with murders.

I will shave my beard and get a hair cut so that I no longer look like the a younger version of the dad from The Little Mermaid.

I will make sure I am the last living Beatle.

We will develop an economy so that our citizens will stop sneaking over the border.

We will stop making websites that point out minute incontinences in the prequels. Instead we will either admit we actually like them or stop watching them.

I will try to make it so that my show is actually funny.

I will finally kill all the Jews, I mean bring them presents, poisoned presents mwhahahaha.

I'm going to cut back on the whole invading other nations thing.

Israel

We are so going to kick Iran's ass. Teach them to develop nuclear power plants.

I mean it this time, I am finally going to stop probing rednecks.

Jon Stewart

I will start making jokes where the punch line is something other then "George Bush is dumb."

John F. Kennedy

I will come out of the closet and admit that I am actually alive.

I will finish the job.

I will stop destroying load bearing walls.

Fidel Castro

I will continue to rule Cuba despite my old age simply to piss off American officials.

I will get off the puffs.

I will come back from the dead to explain to my fellow Muslims that the Koran specifically tells them NOT to use suicide attacks.