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Meet the Black Eyed Peas

You know what song is on the radio and the MTV all the time, every minute of the day? It's that new Beyonce Knowles song where she sings about how she has a nice ass, and she'll let you fuck her up her ass, but you have to buy her dinner first. It was released for the Steve Martin Pink Panther movie, so I assume Beyonce is directing the song at him.

Seriously, I heard that song a good twenty times the other day, and I spent that entire day buried under a 50 foot avalanche in remote Tibet. Worse, I was trapped in avalanche that I encountered when I time traveled to the Cretaceous period, but the damn song was still on everywhere.

We just have to accept the fact that every song Beyonce performs will instantly became a humongous hit, no matter how stupid or goofy it is. Just like the Black Eyed Peas.

Speaking of the Da Peas, I have a subscription to Blender magazine. Blender is a music magazine established in the 90s by editors who were on a mission to create a pop music magazine slightly less gay than Spin. I started subscribing to it a couple of years ago because, at the time, it was the best source for Courtney Love news. Oh, Courtney Love, and your crazy drugged out hijinks, child custody hassles, and battles with former Nirvana members--you always entertain. And Blender magazine made sure a large chunk of its resources and staff was devoted to keeping their readers abreast of you constant misadventures. But earlier this year, Blender stopped being the central depository for all things Courtney Love, so I have let my subscription run out. It's weird though, because I am still getting new issues months after I chose not to renew. I don't understand this. Either the corporate offices had a computer mix up and think I am still paying for the toilet paper they print out, or they are continuing to send it to me for free just because they need someone out there to read this stuff.

The latest issue features the Black Eyed Peas on the cover. Another high point in Blender's quest for music journalism excellence, which have included cover issues of Ashlee Simpson, Kanye West and Mariah Carey in recent months. I would have written about how stupid the article was, but I refuse to read it out of the principle that I have more productive things to do with my time, such as sleep or do a Google search for "guy with pie."

Instead, I am going to write about the members of the group, based on the familiarity with them I have gained by watching their Best Buy commercial. Get ready buoys and gulls, it is time to:

Meet the Peas

Main Guy. This is the black guy who seems to do all the actual work in the group. He sings on all the songs, while the other three members just dance in the background as if they are having a seizure. Since no one plays any instruments that is all they can do.

I imagine Main Guy could drop the others and go solo but then he would lose the ridiculousness that makes the group millions for a fucking song like "My Hump" and the opportunity to perform that song at the prestigious Canadian Football League championship game. Main Guy has about as much chance of being taken seriously as a solo artist as I do of ever having sex.

Main Guy

Megaphone Guy. I wasn't able to find a picture of Megaphone Guy with a megaphone. I don't know why, I assume Google is broken. And I don't know if other search engines still exist anymore. Anyway, Megaphone Guy loves yelling into his megaphone. He is to the megaphone what Jimi Hendrix was to the guitar. The megaphone is his heart and soul and the way he lives his life. He would really like to direct movies. If an actor asked for guidance on how to perform a scene, Megaphone Guy would pick up his megaphone and yell "LOUDER!"

But when he is sans megaphone, Megaphone Guy is very confused and disorientated. He appears to not be aware he is in a music group or who these other people with him are. He just enjoys all the champagne and chances to dance in the background, but at that point he is just going with the flow. He is really just confused as to why all these cameras are pointed at him.

The Megaphone Guy

The Woman. #1 rule for success as a pop group: get a really hot woman to front the band. But if you are the Black Eyed Peas, just settle for someone like Stacy Ferguson who pees her pants.

The Girl The Girl

The Vampire. This guy is a vampire, much like Billy Corgan. Look at him, he has to wear sunglasses and long sleeved clothes at all times to protect himself from the sun. I came to the conclusion that he is a vampire because he reminded me of the vampires from the Matrix, but it turns out those things are actually ghosts or some shit. But since ghosts don't exist, I still say this guy is a vampire.

He also seems very fond of playing rock-paper-scissors.

The Vampire

Now don't we feel more informed about America's #1 novelty act? Sorry Weird Al, you have been dethroned.