Disney Movies for MenDisney makes a lot of movies, and frankly most of them are for sissy girls who enjoy pink frilly dresses and tea parties. There are a select few however that are enjoyable to rough and tumble men such as myself. I'm sure most of you are thinking that real tough guys like myself don't watch cartoons, and well you are wrong. We enjoy kicking back and watching cartoons between bar fights and weight lifting competition just as much as the next person. We just expect a little more from our cartoons. I will present these films and explain why they are enjoyable for real men's men.
At first glance you may think this movie is for sissies, it does take place in France after all. But once you get into it, this movie is about the one thing all men want to do, marry a wealthy heiress. The male cat doesn't even have to settle for an old woman either; he's able to get to her while she's still hot. Plus she has kids but no husband, so that means she's a total slutatorium.
The Black Cauldron
I'm not 100% sure what this one's about. I know it involves a pig who can tell the future and a black cauldron. Skeletor also is involved somehow, but other then that I don't remember what happens. I do remember it being violent. Really any movie that takes place in medieval times and has fighting is going to be pretty violent. Back in those days fighting wasn't all clean cut like it is today. Shooting some punk ass isn't exactly kosher, but it's a hell of a lot nicer then bludgeoning them to death with a club. It's this grotesque violence that brings this from a mere children's film to something real men can enjoy. There's also that one part where the guy gets turned into a frog and falls into the women's bosom. Men love jokes about boobs.
The Lion King
Sure the movie has songs by Elton John, but you can't count out a film where one person is trampled to death and another is eaten alive. I also have a theory that a lion is what every man wants to be. Think about it, the male lion is king of the jungle, but it's the female lions that do all the hunting. So basically women do all the work and he gets all the credit. Every man's dream.
The Fox and the Hound
Billie once said to me, "The Fox and the Hound is a real man's Disney movie, there's no princesses or anything like that" and you know what, that statement couldn't be any more true. It was The Fox and the Hound that inspired me to not only seek out other Disney films that could be considered manly, but also write this article, which is good because my other idea for this week was a detailed description about that thing on my foot. It sort of looks like Herp Albert.
The Fox and the Hound is the touching story of a fox and a hound who become friends despite the fact that the hound's owner is a crazy old mountain man who hunts all the time and sells the fur to buy whiskey. He buys the hound as a puppy to teach him the ways of hunting. Meanwhile next door some elderly lady has adopted the fox whose mother was killed by a hunter. What I like is that there are two people who live on this mountain and they built their houses within 200 feet of each other. If I was going to live in the middle of nowhere I would at least make sure nobody else was going to be living right next to me. How the hell am I suppose to walk around naked if some old lady is milking a cow right over there?
The best part of the movie is we learn a lesson, and not some nancy pansy lesson about never giving up either. We get one we can actually use. You see despite the odds the fox and the hound become friends when they are both young because they are too innocent to know any better. This ends up fucking them both over later on in life because the hound has to go after the fox. So in a way Disney is telling us that if foxes and hounds (or blacks and whites) associate with each other it will always end with heartache and bear attacks.
Kurt Russell also does the voice of Copper the fox when he's an adult. Is there a manly person then Kurt Russell? I doubt it, this is the man who is Snake Plissken, Jack Burton, R.J. MacReady, Gabriel Cash, and Captain Ron rolled all together into one tight little package.
This just in, I just checked the IMDB page and it turns out Mickey Rooney did a voice as well. This doesn't make the movie any manlier but it pretty sweet. Mickey Fucking Rooney man.
Robin Hood, like The Black Cauldron, takes place in the Middle Ages, and thus, is violent. No matter how you dress it up getting shot in the chest with an arrow is fucking nasty. Robin Hood is also a big anti-hero when you think about it. He may be helping the common man, but in order to do that he has to murder and rob the people who work for the sheriff. They aren't bad guys, they just happened to get well paying jobs in tax collection. Taxes are a necessary evil; sure you complain about them now, but I didn't see anybody whining when that new community center was built.
One reason I like Robin Hood is because it was made during that time when all the main characters in Disney movies sounded the same. I don't know if it is just coincidence, or Disney only knew five people who were willing to do voice work for them but I like it. They should really go back to that. While on this subject does it bug anybody else when cartoon movies have a cast that is made up completely of celebrities? The celebrities never bother to make their voice sound different or interesting but they get paid a bunch of money. How about instead of paying Eddie Murphy ten gazillion bazillion dollars to pretend to be a donkey we pay some guy two thousand dollars to pretend to be Eddie Murphy pretending to be a donkey? Sure we lose some of the novelty of having a person who use to not be able to tell a joke without saying either shit or fuck seven times be in a cartoon targeted to children, but maybe if Eddie Murphy wasn't so damn rich he might actually bother doing something funny again. You can't tell me he was trying in Dr. Doolittle.
The Jungle Book
There are three reasons this one is on the list.
1. Baloo's philosophy of "hanging out and eating a lot" is something any man can get behind.
2. Scat singing monkeys.
3. Mowgli returns to civilization because he sees some chick he wants to fuck, and there ain't nothing to fuck in the jungle.
The fact that they took all the characters from this movie and made a TV show about them flying airplanes in the 30s is just icing on the cake. I wish I could have been in on the meeting where they decided on that show.
Walt Disney's Floating Evil Head: We need a new TV cartoon so that my power of these mortals may grow ever stronger. What franchise should we base it off of?
Johnson: How about The Jungle Book, it's a fairly well known movie, but all the people who did the main characters are dead so we will be able to hire nobodies at low prices.
Jenkins: That's a good idea, but the story was really more or less concluded by the end of the movie, how would we make an entire series from it?
Johnson: I don't know, how about if they fly plains around in the 1930s?
Walt Disney's Floating Evil Head: You've done it again Johnson. Let us celebrate, BRING IN THE VIRGINS! I MUST FEED!