A Review of The Rudolph: The Red Nosed Reindeer TV Special
Christmas specials are the third greatest thing about the Christmas season. The second best thing being eggnog, and the best being the celebration of the birth of Jesus and the giving of birthday presents to everybody. As far as the specials go Rudolph: The Red Nose Reindeer is by far the best. I decided it would be cool to do a review of this program since it quite literally gets me aroused. I don't have one of those fancy pants set ups where I can watch something on TV and then record it to my computer so I had to download the special using bit torrent. I then successfully neglected to do anything with it for some time. I would like to blame this review being put up so late on Billie being to lazy to update or sunspots, but truth be told I didn't start work on it until January 9th. Think of this review the same way you think of presents given late and leftover cookies, as an extension of the wonderful Christmas season.
Things start out with live action footage of people stuck in snow and newspapers flying at us, like newspapers tend to do.
The New York Herald Tribune not only reports about the Cold Wave, but also that Russia wants in on a communication satellite. Trying to figure out exactly when Rudolph takes place isn't easy. We can determine that it occurs before the Soviet revolution in Russia because they are called Russians, not Soviets.
The Chicago Sun-Times is ironic because they are called the Sun-Times but are reporting about it being cold, and the sun makes things warm. Also it is never sunny in Chicago.
Daily News may or may be related to the blizzard like weather. Sure they say the Sanitation Army is digging them out but there could have been a mudslide or volcanic eruption. All we know is that it is TOUGH GOING!
We can't trust the San Francisco Chronicle to report foul weather because to them, foul weather means partly cloudy with the temperature dipping into the mid 70s. I hate people who live in places where it's warmer in the winter than it is here in the summer.
Well here's Sam the snowman, played by none other then Burl Ives, who I think is famous. Sam will be our narrator on this intriguing tale. He also sings songs on occasion, since you know he is a singer and having him not sing songs would just be a waste of talent. They also had to pad this thing out to sixty minutes.
"Christmas seals" he says as he walks by the seals. I don't get it. Is this supposed to be some sort of pun? Is there an actual thing called a Christmas seal? He does call the North Pole "Christmas Town" and the woods "Christmas Tree Forest" so maybe Sam just likes to name things after the holiday. If anybody has any insights on this drop me a line.
Sam tells us that the Clauses live in the first castle on the left. I don't know any other incarnation of the Santa legend that has him living in a castle but I like it. If any mother fucking Saxons try to take him out they will be in for a surprise…CASTLE BABY!
Inside the castle Ms. Clause is pestering Santa to eat, in what will become a running joke.
Ms. Claus is pissed that Santa in skinny. Lay off bitch he's finally at a healthy weight. He's getting old and needs to look after himself. Oh sure Santa becomes immortal in The Adventures of Santa Clause, but that hasn't taken place yet. I'm not even sure if it counts since it contradicts the origin story of Santa clause in Coming to Town, and was written by the same dope fiend who wrote The Wizard of Oz.
Sam says that he loves it when things are running smoothly, not like the year of the big storm, when Rudolph saved the day. He then realizes that some of the viewers may be unfamiliar with Rudolph's story, so he invites us all to grab an ice block and listen to the tale. At this point CBS felt that it was important to remind me what I was watching. As if somebody would be tuning in for Becker and would be unable to figure out what was going on.
They also seem to think that people will willingly watch the Academy of Country Music special they are showing Saturday, yeah right you jokers.
The story begins in Spring in Donner's cave, where his wife, whom according to my notes doesn't have a name, has just given birth to a son, who is drinking some of that sweet sweet milk. Rudolph is supposed to be a newborn, but he looks kind of big. If all infant reindeer are that size I feel sorry for the mothers who have to give birth to them.
Everything is fine until Rudolph's nose starts glowing then his parents are understandably concerned. Even for talking reindeer that can fly, a glowing nose is pretty weird shit. Rudolph's mother says that his nose is shiny, Donner responds by saying "Shiny, I'd even say it glows." They totally use that line in the song. Things get worse when Santa enters the cave to see the newborn.
The nose glows and Santa gets freaked. Then he says that there is no way somebody with a shiny nose will be pulling his sleigh. Most incarnations have Santa as a jolly old elf, but in this one he is more of an over worked asshole who is sick of his job, and doesn't need this.
"Every year I shine up my jingle bells for eight lucky reindeer" Santa says, completely oblivious to the masturbation innuendo. He then sings a song about giving presents. Thanks to the magic of computers I can make it look like he's doing that rapping hand pump.
Yo yo yo my name is Kringle and I'm here to say
I bring the presents from Toronto to Bomb Bay
I got a sack and a great big sleigh
Better look out when I come your way
Break it down!