A Review The Rudolph: The Red Nose Reindeer TV Special
So Rudolph and Hermie set out to make their way in the world. Also tomorrow Survivor: Guatemala is on. If you are the sort of person who still watches Survivor then you should know that. They are having trouble because not only are they walking around in sub zero weather without any sort of protection or supplies but Rudolph's glowing nose is attracting the Abominable Snow Monster.
Oh no Rudolph's nose also seemed to have attracted some sort of burly mountain man. Looks like they are going to get sodomized.
Hermie is a homosexual and of course puts himself into a position where sodomy will be easy, Rudolph is innocent and doesn't know what sodomy is, so he just follows suit. Turns out this particular mountain man isn't interested in sodomy at the moment, so he just pulls them out of the ice. I'm sure it's been a long time since he saw a woman, and will want to sodomize Hermie, but not while Rudolph is around. That would be awkward.
Yukon Cornelias is his name. He is journeying around the great white north look for gold and silver. Not at the same time though, rather he searches for one, and switches to the other later on. He does this by throwing a pick ax in the air, letting it stick into the ground, and then licking it. It doesn't seem like a very accurate method to find precious minerals, nor a very sanitary one. The biggest problem is that he is looking for gold and silver at the North Pole which has no actual land mass, just ice. Note the revolver in his belt. Isn't it great that there use to be a time when characters on children's shows could carry around firearms without any stigma? Those were more innocent times when smoking was socially acceptable and woman couldn't get work outside the house.
Sam sings a song about silver and gold. You've probably heard it, it seems to have gained some popularity as an actual Christmas song. It has a line, "Silver and gold decorations on every Christmas tree." My Christmas trees have never had much in the way of silver and gold decorations. It mostly has ones made in elementary school and Ninja Turtle themed decorations. I do have a silver dinosaur and my brother has a gold one, but they are hardly the majority.
Well the snow monster shows up and Yukon decides that its time to haul ass. The dogs are lazy and not actual sled dogs so Yukon pulls them himself. He pulls them the edge of the ocean. Looks like this is the end...
No way brother. You don't survive as the least successful prospector in the North without having a few tricks up your sleeve. Yukon Cornelius simply chops away the ice and they float away on their do-it-yourself iceberg.
"A bumbles one weakness, bumbles sink," Yukon says. Oh what a card. He is the only person who calls the snow monster a bumble, but nobody is ever confused about what he is talking about. It must be a regional thing, like how Sasquatch is also known as Bigfoot, or the Florida Musk Monster. Yukon throws his pick ax up in the air, and checks the thin piece of ice for silver.
Rudolph asks where they are going. "You're going to stay with me, we'll be rich with the biggest silver strike this side of Hudson Bay," Yukon says. I'm pretty sure he thinks that he's still in Canada. He also doesn't really give Rudolph and Hermie a choice about going with him, not that they really had anyplace in particular that they were going to in the first place. It would probably be nice though if they got to decide if they had to go with the crazy prospector.
BREAKKKKKKKK
Well Rudolph has been gone for awhile and his parents are starting to get worried. Their son may be a crazy red nosed freak, but he's still family. Donner decides that he has to go look for Rudolph. Rudolph's mother wants to come with but Donner says this is man's work, and that she should stay in the cave, because a does job is in the kitchen making supper and in the bedroom making babies.
About four seconds later, Clarisse comes by and she and Rudolph's mom leave to start there own search. They really should have given Donner some more time to get away from the cave. There is no way he didn't see them when they left. He probably saw Clarisse come in on his way out.
Rudolph and the gang have landed on an island which happens to have a castle on it. I guess there's more castles at the North Pole then I thought. It's sort of like Scotland up there.
The gang looks up and sees a flying lion. Bet you didn't see that one coming. You go into a Christmas special expecting a lot of things: Santa, flying reindeer, elves, but definitely not a flying lion, one who wears a crown no less.
Bunch of packages open and toys come out. Yukon Cornelias is freaked out and goes straight for the revolver. Before a blood bath can happen, the Jack-In-the-Box tells them that they are on The Island of Misfit Toys. This is where all the unwanted toys of the world go. The Jack-In-the-Box by the way is named Charlie. Get it, you expected his name to be Jack but his name is Charlie. Nobody wants to play with a Charlie in the box. Charlie in the box also doesn't get any dashes. I don't even know if I'm supposed to put dashes in Jack-In-the-Box, so there's no way I'm giving it to Charlie.
The toys begin singing a song. Hermie appears to be a amused, Rudolph is a little surprised, and Yukon is once again getting ready to pull out his gun and end the song and dance, once and for all.
The song is about all the toys problems, such as the train which has square wheels on its caboose. This is a problem, especially for a train which is suppose to be running on tracks anyways.
The cowboy rides an ostrich, which personally I think makes him a better toy. Same with the squirt gun that shoot grape jelly. What kid wouldn't want that? What better way to ruin the nerdy kid's day then to shoot him with grape jelly.
See the gun shoots Hermie and it looks like he has a serious head wound. Rudolph licks it off in a scene that is strangely erotic.
"Hey we're all misfits, maybe we can stay here to," Rudolph says, completely ignoring that Yukon Conerelais, aside from his poor sense of direction, is a socially capable prospector. Sure he may be a little unstable, but he's never been run out of town, except for that one time he had sex with the sheriff's fifteen year old daughter and had to make tracks before he got sent to the gallows.
Nobody gets to stay on the island without permission of King Moonraiser, the flying lion who searches the world for unloved toys so that he can bring them to the island where they wait until somebody wants them. Yup, his name is King Moonraiser. What the fuck? That's what happens when the screen writers all knock off early and hand the script over to the intern who huffs glue. What's with King Moonraisers plan anyways? How are kids going to learn to love the toys if they aren't around? It's not like someday some kid is going to decide that he really wants to play with a white polka dotted elephant, at least not one who's mentally unstable.
Rudolph asks if he and Hermie can live on the island. Moonraiser tells them that they can't, and Yukon Cornielies makes fun of them for not even fitting in with misfits. I guess he's getting back at Rudolph for lumping him in with them a couple of minutes ago. Moonraiser tells them that unlike playthings living creatures can't hide from there problems on an island. So they either have to fill themselves with cotton or get out. He does offer to let them stay the night in a cabin.
They all have to share the same bed which would be pretty annoying except for Rudolph who usually sleeps in a cave, so it's a step up. Rudolph wants to go off on his own, so that the snow monster doesn't get them all. Hermies and Yukon don't like this idea, and want to stick together. Personally I think Rudolph just wants to get away from them and make some new friends. Let's face facts, when you're trying to survive in the artic, a prissy elf and a crazy prospector aren't the best choices for traveling companions.
Rudolph takes off, and is too big of an asshole to close the door. Come on man it's twenty below out, just because you were bred to survive freezing temperatures doesn't mean everybody enjoys it.
"Goodbye Cornelias, I hope you find lots of tinsel, goodbye Hermie, whatever a dentist is I hope one day you're the greatest." First of all Rudolph, Yukon Cornelias has never expressed an interest in tinsel. This also reveals that Rudolph have never cared enough about Hermies to find out what he was planning to do with his life. Rudolph doesn't wait very long to leave so Hermie and Yukon are probably still awake. Thing is, as soon as Rudolph was out the door Yukon was in Hermies, and they weren't finished until Rudolph was long gone.
Ah man I was hoping Yes Dear would be on. Good thing they have the disclaimer.
Sweet Criminal Minds is on next. I love those guy's antics.
Sam tells us that Rudolph set out on his own, and lived a lonely lonely life. Oh sure on occasion he found friends to play with but it always ended badly…
Baby polar bears have mother polar bears who are able to eat most other things, and what they can't eat they tear apart with their monstrous arms and razor sharp claws. I think this one looks like a Asian person. In fact in my notes I wrote "polar bear is angry, looks like Chinaman." Damn that's sort of racist. I'm going to have to take a long look at myself tonight.
During his time on the run, a strange and wonderful thing is happening, Rudolph is growing up. I had a picture that would have demonstrated this better, you could see his large lustrous horns and everything, but I figured I should do something for the ladies. Check out that ass, you could bounce a quarter off it.