A Review The Rudolph: The Red Nose Reindeer TV Special
Rudolph decides to head back home, because he realizes you can't run from your problems. As soon as he's back to Christmas Town, he is accosted by a gang of deer who sound like their from Brooklyn. I'm not kidding either, sounds like Scott Bao got hit in by a Sweathog.
Rudolph heads back to his cave only to find that his parents are gone. Santa comes by and tells him that they left a few months ago to find him. Since Rankin and Bass are determined to destroy Santa's reputation, he is more upset about Donner possible not being around for Christmas to pull his sleigh and makes it very clear that he doesn't give a shit that they may be dead.
That's right Clarisse, Donner, and Rudolph's mom have been captured by the Snow Monster, who doesn't really eat them as much as hold them near his mouth and not eat them.
Ah Hell ya, Rudolph shows up intent on kicking some ass. A spectacular fight scene takes place.
Look he is ramming him in the butt with his horn. I tried my hardest to not make it sound like I was talking about gay sex there.
Rudolph is getting the upper hand so the Snow Beast takes a stalagmite and smashes it over him. Is stalagmite the ones on top? I'm not really sure maybe I will look that up someday or perhaps not.
Either way Rudolph is out for the count. So much for him saving everybody's life.
Hermie and Yukon Cornelias have been searching for Rudolph since his departure at the island a couple of months ago. Yes, Rudolph left under his own power, but it's not like the two of them had anything else to do except wander around the artic and occasionally look for silver and/or gold. Sam says he is the one who told them that Rudolph was at the Snow Monster's cave, but I call bullshit on that. We don't even see the two of them talking. Hell they aren't ever even in the same scene. Sam is just trying to make himself look like a hero.
Yukon comes up with a plan. He has Hermie imitate a pig to draw the Snow Monster out of the cave (not the first time he made Hermie squeal) then he drops some rocks on the monster's head.
Then Hermie removes the monsters teeth. You could argue that he can do this because he is a dentist, but when you're just using a big ass pair of pliers I don't think any sort of professional training is required. At this point I would like to say that ripping the monsters teeth out by the roots without any sort of painkillers is just plain cruel. Sure he was going to eat them, but he is a carnivore, and that's what carnivores do. Now not only is he in immeasurable pain, but unable to eat and will likely starve to death.
No straight man would stand that close to another man's crotch, even if that man is twenty five feet tall.
Well since the monster is no longer able to defend itself, Yukon Cornelias decides to attack it. Check out the look of pure terror on the face of the Abominable Snow Monster. He is seriously in fear of his life. Imagine if you were sitting down to eat a hamburger when you hear the ice cream man outside and decide to get a popsicle. All of a sudden somebody knocks you out with a brick, pulls out all your teeth, and when you stumble back into your house you find yourself on the receiving end of a brutal assault from a midget. Not a pretty picture.
At least the monster gets a small amount of revenge. During the attack, the two of them fall off a cliff. At least the snow monster took one of them out with him.
Yukon Corneleas's death saddens everybody. Well it saddens Rudolph and Hermies, the other three don't really know him, but still he saved their life so they must be somewhat upset. Sam comes in with the narration and says "Well they are all very sad about the loss of their friend, but they realize the best thing to do is get the woman back to Christmas Town". As if it were all men out there they wouldn't go back to the town, and instead would head over to Six Flags over the glacier instead. Sam better be including Hermie as one of the woman because I would rather have Clarisse or Rudolph's mom with me while walking through the north then Hermie. They were able to survive living with the Abomible Snow Monster for a couple of months. Hermie wouldn't last five seconds in the cave by himself.
They get back to Christmas Town where Hermie and Rudolph guilt everybody into liking them. If everybody hadn't all been dicks then they wouldn't have been driven away and nobody would have almost gotten eaten. A consensus is reached that misfits are people too.
Santa even gives Rudolph a hearty hug and promises to find homes for the misfit toys. Rudolph hasn't said anything about the island so I'm guessing Santa has known about it for some time and just didn't feel like helping them out. I don't think he's even learned a lesson about being nice to misfits, he is just happy that Donner is back and there won't be any sled related troubles.
The boss even says that Hermie can open his dentist office. Hermie tells the boss that he has a cavity and makes an appointment for him. I think this is really just a revenge plot for Hermie. As soon as the boss is out from the gas he will take advantage of the boss before pulling out all his teeth.
Donner even apologizes to Rudolph. He can live with the knowledge that even though his son is deformed he can still get himself a certified hottie.
There's a knock at the door and who is it, none other then Yukon Cornelias. He has brought the snow monster who is now reformed and looking for employment. His big selling point is that he can put the star on top of the tree without a step ladder. He is also a ringer for the elves' basketball team.
While the elves finish the last minute preparations. Mrs. Clause pesters Santa to eat some more. Santa complains about how much he hates the elves, their singing and his life. An elf brings in the weather report, and it looks like the storm will not be subsiding anytime soon. Christmas will have to be cancelled.
Santa tries to break the bad news but Rudolph's nose is glowing too brightly for him to see. Then he gets the bright idea of having Rudolph lead the way. Be honest who didn't see that plot twist coming? It took me by complete surprise.
Preparations continue as well as the elf singing, which most have really pissed off Santa. Yukon helps the elves load the sleigh
Hermie dances like a fairy.
A+--+nd Rudolph gets some action under the mistletoe.
Santa is ready to go and seems to have gained significant weight since his last scene.
Well there they go. Rudolph is leading the way.
The misfit toys are all upset about being misfits. That doll there doesn't actually have any obvious flaws. The official word on the web is that she has psychological issues. She must be unloved because she kills kids like some sort of female Chucky from the turn of the century. The toys whine that Rudolph promised that they would get to go this year. To bad Rudolph only promised to tell Santa about the island at some point in the future. He never promised to tell him this year, or to actually get Santa to help.
Charlie says "I guess I'll just go to bed, and dream about next year."
Doll says "I don't think I have any dreams left to dream" so maybe she just has clinical depression.
Then we see a faint light in the night sky, and my video files cuts out. I guess that's what I get for trusting people who put TV shows on the internet, fucking assholes. Well all I missed is the ending credits where an elf gives the misfit toys umbrellas and throws them from the sled, assumingly to loving homes. Funny thing is that there is a bird whose problem is that he can't fly, but the elf throws him out without an umbrella. So one kid's present is laying dead on the roof.
Well at more can I say? That's the story of Rudolph, a little reindeer with a big heart and strange deformity. This special has been shown on television for the last fifty years or so, delighting children, those who are kids at heart, and those who were watching Wheel of Fortune, now can't find the remote and don't want to get up.