A Dumb Baby E3 PreviewMay 10-12 is a date all nerds have marked on there anime theme calendars. No, it is not the day that Street Fighter 2: Ultra Turbo Max Fighter Edition GX 53 comes out. It is something much more grand. It is E3, the industry's biggest video game trade show. For those of you unfamiliar with E3, it is to nerds what the World Cup is to immigrants, what NASCAR is to people who enjoy 80 dollars for a jacket so that they may become a walking advertisement for Bud or DuPont.
So naturally, Dumb Baby has decided to save some of your precious time by looking at a few of the announced titles at E3 and giving you a preview of what to expect. Now keep in mind that many more titles will be announced by the time E3 does pull around, but for now these are all the confirmed titles
You may remember Capcom as the people who brought you such amazing titles as Megaman, Resident Evil, and any game that came with an odd controller. Well it seems that Capcom decided to stick with there fool proof strategy of making eight Megaman games per month with the hopes that at least one of them ends up being good.
Megaman Battle Network 6: Cybeast Falzar: You have to give credit to any game title that contains only two words that are recognized by Webster's Dictionary. Oh wait, no you don't. I still don't understand why Capcom insists on making these games. Who the hell is playing them? Capcom churns title after title of these unremarkable games and yet there are still kids out there playing them. This phenomenon needs to be looked into. Along with the mystery of how these Megaman games keep being made, will someone please tell me what the hell Bjork has been doing. I'm not a fan of hers but I don't feel comfortable not knowing where she is.
Monster Hunter Freedom: I have no idea what this game is going to be about. But I will do my best to draw a successful conclusion. You can choose to play either as Van Helsing, Egon from the Ghostbusters movies, or Ash from Evil Dead. Each of the characters has there own special abilities. Ash is skilled in melee attacks, Egon is good at long range, and Van Helsing is a balance of both. The game starts out with the three of them waking up from a peaceful evening of rest to find that Monster Hunting has been declared racist and unethical. Well, they'll be damned if they are going to let that stop them. So they set off to Washington D.C. to begin protesting the decision.
As a gamer you must have the skills to picket for hours, determine where they should eat when the hunters get hungry, and even try to negotiate with mall security when the Hunters get kicked out for scaring people. The tension never lets up until the last level where you go home and make a cake to celebrate your victory. That part is pretty easy.
Street Fighter Alpha Anthology: Capcom will market this game as four games rolled into one. Which sounds like a good idea until you realize that each game is the same. Then you get pissed when you realize you paid 50 bucks for a game that came out five years ago. You get so pissed that you bring a gun to work and start just shooting and shooting. When the cops finally bring you down you are just babbling the secret combos that Blanka is able to do. In fact, your entire testimony in court consists of you making that noise Ryu does when he shoots a fireball. They sentence you to life in prison where you get sodomized daily. But while you are sitting in your cold cell with blood coming out of your ass, you will breathe a sigh of relief when you think about the fact that you never have to play a re-release by Capcom again.
Okami: In this game you play a wolf that uses Chinese calligraphy to defeat it's enemies. If you own a Playstation, I am begging you to buy this game. Why? So that Capcom will finally start making some original games, and not release Mega Man: Super Ultra Feritilum Advanced Alpha: Blue Edition 2.5, or Street Fighter 2: Super Squid Hyper Turbo Quick Really Fast: Gold Edition.
Untitled Indiana Jones: In this game you will play as Indiana Jones, now well over the age of 72, as he tries to find the lost Shroud of Turindle. Unfortunately Indy gets lost on the way there because the airport is confusing and loud. Guide Indy as he tries to find his car and get back on the freeway. Feel the excitement as you battle skateboarders who won't stop flaunting their youth. Marvel as you run out of the grocery store after stealing some food items (Don't worry though, even if they catch you they will let you go. Because you are old. And you smell "kinda weird").
Lego Star Wars: Now here is a game I wish I had as a kid. Back then, I had to make my own Star Wars ships out of Legos. I didn't have the luxury of having a kit with instructions to build an X-wing. No, I had to build my own. What did it come out looking like, you ask? Well it resembled a multicolored starfish. I mean they have Jabba the Hutt pieces in this kit. I would have killed someone for Jabba the Hutt. And Chewbacca? Oh the things I would have down for a Lego Chewy. Still to this day I have vowed to owe a life debt to anyone whop brings me Chewbacca.
This is actually a game to look forward to. I mean the first one was pretty fun. It borrowed it from William Kenneth, and I think it is still sitting at my house. But I will return it. As soon as I pay off my debt.
The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy: I like the show, but the game will probably suck. That's just the way things work in this industry. Also if you are a fan of Billy and Mandy be sure to check out Saul of The Mole People when it premiers on Adult Swim sometime this summer. Search the youtube.com and find the preview for it. It will be excellent.
Happy Feet: Happy Feet is a game based on a movie about dancing penguins. Buy this game.
Ant Bully: Fuck you ant, I'm keeping the lunch money.
NBA Ballers: Phenom: Without researching this game, I know that it will probably be about you making a customized character and playing street ball against NBA legends both past and present. Also you will be able to mack out your crib with mad bling.
NBA Ballers: Rebound: Probably the same game as Phenom, but on a system that nobody plays.
Rush: God I hope this game is about the band.
Lord of the Rings Online: Shadows of Angmar: Hey a medieval themed MMORPG, I haven't seen a new one of those in ten minutes. Unless this game lets me give my character Hugo Weaving's eyebrows from that movie, it will suck.
That's all for now, but I'll keep you posted as more E3 games are announced.