Pop-Ice: A Tribute
Summer is fast approaching.
Soon guys who should be wearing shirts will take
them off. Girls who should not be wearing shirts still will, but smaller.
Loud singing birds will wake you up at 8 in the morning until you throw a shoe
at them. Yes, it is a beautiful time of year.
But the best thing about the summer is your opportunity to eat Pop-Ice. If you eat Pop-Ice in the fall it seems like you are just trying to hard to hold on to the idea that it is still summer, and that is just sad. If you eat it in the winter you just seem kinda weird. Like wear-your-girlfriend's skin- in-front-of-the-mirror weird. Late spring is the only other acceptable time to eat Pop-Ice. And since it is late spring here is your guide to Pop-Ice.
The Flavors
Purple: Purple is (arguably) the best flavor. It has the best taste both when frozen and when it comes to sucking the remnants out of the tube after most of the frozen mass is gone. Purple is my personal favorite.
Red: Red rivals Purple in popularity. It's kind of like people who argue whether Bleach or In Utero was better. There is no clear winner because anyone who likes Pop-Ice has to agree that they are both superb flavors.
Blue: Blue is an average flavor. A bit too average for me. If there was ever a mass shooting inside of my freezer which resulted in the deaths of two frozen pizzas and a bag of mixed vegetables, I would blame this guy first. Sure, I know most of the police on the force would be like, "All of the evidence points towards the potpie. We've seen this kind of things before from their kind. It's the gravy, it's drives them insane." But I would realize that Blue was sick of always being shunned for Red or Purple, until he eventually just snapped. Then I the Blue would realize that I was on his trail and try to kill me in my sleep, but right before he pulled the trigger the cops would bust in and fire. And after I wiped all of the blue remants off of my face I would say something like, "Maybe next time I'll buy ice cream!" Then we would all laugh. Then we would give high fives.
Pink: Pink falls under blue because if you eat too many of the pink ones your throat will get sore. Many people have wondered about this phenomenon so I wrote a letter to Todd Phillups, the senior marketing advisor at the Pop-Ice company.
Dear Pobar,Orange: Orange is a below average flavor, which is why this picture made me angry.
Thank you for your interest in Pop-Ice and all of our Pop-Ice products. There is a very simple answer to your question about why the pink ones burn peoples throats. All of the pink ones are made from frozen marmoset blood. Enclosed is a picture of one of these creatures
Why are we allowing our soldiers to eat Orange? We need to be sending them Red and Purple. If they are eating Orange they won't know what they are fighting for. They think they are fighting for a country that is hoarding all the good popsicles, and that may make them side with the enemy.
Green: Green is only ever eaten when the only colors left in the box are Yellow and Green. So rarely do I eat Green, in fact the only person I have seen voluntarily eat Green is my room mate, and that is only because I told him "If you eat any of the good colors, I will break your god damned legs. You hear me? I will fucking break your legs!!" Then I threw a small rock at his head.
Yellow: Fuck you Yellow....you really suck.