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The New Final Fantasy Guy is Gay

Final Fantasy

Look at that guy. He is definitely gay. Really gay. Really Really gay. So gay that when he goes to the gay club everybody stops dancing and asks who the gay dude is. It is physically impossible for a straight man to look that effeminate. I think that the only reason his metal vest thing is open is so that we know for sure that it is a man, and not a women with small breasts. Everything about this man screams queer. The blond feathered hair, the bracelets, and the gigantic shin guards. He must wear those because he plays soccer, but is so gay that he needs even more protection then the other soccer queers. Just so that you know, everybody who plays soccer and is older then 15 is gay, no exceptions. Kids younger then that can play it and be straight, because they donít know any better, but once you hit 15 you better start playing baseball or start making out with men.

The big question is why square would make the main character of Final Fantasy so incredibly gay. One rumor is that they are doing it to appeal to female gamers. This seems like a pretty stupid plan. While theyíre appealing to all 27 women who might want to play Final Fantasy, they are disenfranchising all the male gamers who fear gays, which is all the straight ones.

I think Vaanís existence is all part of an elaborate plan to see just how much Final Fantasy fans will take. The plan started out subtly, with X by just making that game really shitty. Then came along X-2, in this game you play as a trio of girls who travel the world singing pop songs, and fight by putting on elaborate costumes. Now they are making a game starring a man so gay he makes Charles Nelson Riley look like Macho Man Randy Savage. I can only imagine the plot. Vaanís ďroommateĒ Lyle is kidnapped, and the only way to save him is by getting the Rainbow Sword, and using it to defeat the evil witch

Some fans of the series defend Vaanís look because the game was made in Japan and itís socially acceptable for men to look like women. Of course in Japan itís also for people to make computer games about raping 12 year olds. So fuck you Japan. Over here in America weíll just go on with thinking transsexuals are creepy and not base fantasy adventures about them.

Some of you may be surprised but Vaan isnít the first Final Fantasy homosexual character in Final Fantasy. Square, the company that makes these games has had a long-standing tradition of fighting for gay rights. Of course in the past theyíve gone about this in a bit more of a subtle fashion.

Final Fantasy 1

There isnít a gay character in this one, since none of the characters have any actual personalities. There is a part that is representative of coming out of the closet. At one part of the game a dragon tells you that if you go into The Castle of Ordeals and get a ratís tail out of one of the chests then he will transform you into a more powerful form.

The weaker form represents a homosexual that has not come out of the closet. By journeying into his own Castle of Ordeals he can go from a meager Black Belt to a super gay Master, or something. Itís hard to figure out plot points in 8-bit games.

Final Fantasy 2

I never really played this one because it sucks so much. Letís just assume everybody in it is gay.

Final Fantasy 3

Err yeah; I donít have any jokes for this game either. I hear theyíre remaking this one for the Nintendo DS. I like the DS because it combined video game technology with PDA technology. More games need to be able to be played by poking the screen with a stick.

Final Fantasy 4

Now Iím sure there are a lot of people expecting me to out Edward, the fruity bard. He takes a lot of flack from the Final Fantasy community because he is more or less useless. As a bard he uses a harp, and his special ability is literally running away and hiding. Still you have to give him some credit; it takes awfully big balls to have the audacity to fight monsters with a musical instrument.

No the real homosexual in this one is Cecil. Notice how he is really close to Kain. You may also notice that the only time he pays any attention to Rosa is when she is about to die. This shouldnít be mistaken for some sort of affection; he is just a nice guy. When sheís not about to be murdered he doesnít even pay attention to her. He does however spend a lot of time trying to get all the women to leave the group.

You ask me it seems pretty odd, he wants the women to leave despite the fact that they can use magic, and have proven to be more then capable in combat. Could it be because he wants to get the men alone so that he can seduce them? Yes it is. Unfortunately for Cecil the women keep finding ways to come back before he can convince the others that since no women are around they should have sex with each other.

This game even does the same coming out of the closet analogy as the first one. In part of the game Cecil goes to the top of a mountain, battles a clone of himself, and becomes a paladin. In this scenario the clone is the heterosexual him, and the paladin represents the new queer him. The mountain is just a mountain.

After going through the entire game without successfully turning another man to the other side Cecil becomes king, and has to marry Rosa. He doesnít want to, but homosexuality is looked down upon in the kingdom, and he is scared to reveal his secret. It is truly a sad story, he is brave enough to confront evil, but is too scared to reveal who he truly is.

Final Fantasy 5

Thereís a female pirate in this one that disguises herself as a male pirate because pirates donít respect women. The weird thing is that while disguised as a man two of the main male characters walk into a room where she is sleeping and have little hearts that float over their heads, which I assume means they have boners. They got boners from what they thought was a man!

Then a little while later the pirate has wet clothes on so they try to get her to take them off to dry. When she refuses they literally try to tear them off. They are trying to tear clothes off of a man! That is so gay!

Final Fantasy 6

Kefka looks gay, but I didnít write about him, so he must be straight.
In this game the character Sabin runs away from his responsibility as king to become a karate master, or so he claims. The reality is he joined a small retreat for homosexuals to live together in harmony, and practice karate. Trouble arises when the teacher picks Sabin to be his partner, and another student in a huff kills the master. Sabin kills the other student and joins up with the main character. Later in the game he is separated from the main group. He then goes around recruiting men to join up with him. To the untrained eye this may seem innocent, but to the trained eye it is obvious what he is doing. He is finding men he wants to sleep with. First he recruits a ninja named Shadow, because who wouldnít want to have sex with a ninja. Then he picks up Cyan, whose wife just died, and Sabin thinks he can turn his grief into lust.

Then a little bit later he meets Gau, a young man who grew up in the wild. Amazingly enough the two of them start buttfucking right there. Iím not kidding either. In the US release they changed the dialogue to say that they are fighting, but you know what? Nowhere else in the game does fighting consist of two people standing back to front and jumping up and down. I tried to find a picture of this on the net but failed. However I did find a website that discusses and rates strip poker computer games.

Playing strip poker is fun, but not when itís against a computer, and all you get is a poorly rendered picture as a reward. What I want to know is how the game knows that youíre taking off your clothes.

Final Fantasy 7

I pity the foo.

Square ripped off Mr. T so badly that the actual Mr.T threatened to sue for copyright infringement. Instead of giving him the four hundred dollars that he was asking for Square decided to make Barret gay. In the game each character has a part where the character has to explore one aspect of their past (in video games this counts as character development) During Barretís portion you have to confront his former husband who he left to start a new life of running a gay bar in the big city. Then in court Square claimed the only way they could have ripped off Mr. T is if he were also gay. Since Mr. Tís many relationships with many different women are well documented he didnít receive any money, and was evicted from his apartment. Had he received the money from Square it is estimated he never would have had to soil his reputation by appearing Not Another Teen Movie

Final Fantasy 9

Iíve never played this game but look at this guy

Final Fantasy

Thatís supposed to be a man. A man who looks almost as gay as Vaan. I think heís wearing bikini bottoms.

Final Fantasy 10

Kimahri is a gigantic blue lion man who wears a dress and fights with a long hard rod. During the game he is tormented by two other Ronsos (his race) who shamed him because he is too short and broke his horn. Being too short is the game telling us that he is gay. The two others break his horn, which represents his penis because thatís what jerks sometimes do to gay peopleís penises. The rod also represents his penis.

I was going to show a picture from the game to demonstrate how gay he looks, but this one I found of some guy at an anime convention works much better

Final Fantasy

Man that guy looks really gay. He also looks like the lovechild of a Smurf and a Gummi Bear. He apparently forgot that in the game Kimarhi is muscular, and neglected to add muscles to his costume. He also forgot that that none of the characters in that game hang out in the plaza thatís in front of the international bank.