A Review of 'Dinosaur' with Fred Savage
Little kids usually have videos that they like to watch repeatedly. This is because they enjoy the familiarity of watching the same thing a couple dozen times a day, and little kids don't understand the concept of time, which makes it difficult to tune in to a certain channel at a certain time.
Like all little kids, I had a variety of videos to watch. My parents unfortunately were really cheap. If they couldn't buy the video from a church rummage sale then I didn't get it. This left me watching a lot of gems, such as Golden Book cartoons were there isn't any actual animation, just still pictures and a Clifford the Dog sing along tape starring a guy who looked like Bob Saget.
I am thankful about their video buying practices for two reasons. That one church rummage sale where they were selling all those Ninja Turtle tapes, and Dinosaur.
Oh yes Dinosaur, the great classic. I remember one day after digging through my basement I found a box of old tapes. A few friends came over and we watched them throughout the night. After exhausting the supply of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and Super Mario Super Show, we decided to watch the mysteriously named tape, Dinosaur. I vaguely remembered watching it, but not the actual details. None of us knew it when we slipped the tape into the VCR, but we were about to watch something that would change our lives forever.
Things start out inconspicuously enough. The camera pans across the room, while in the background a song that sounds so much like the back beat to something by The Police that I'm surprised Sting never initiated a lawsuit. We the viewers are shown a large amount of dinosaur paraphernalia.
A lot of dinosaur paraphernalia. This is clearly a case of a kid who really likes dinosaurs, or a kid who once at a family gathering expressed an interest in dinosaurs and has been on the receiving end of dinosaur related gifts from confused family members ever since.
"Science projects, who needs them? What's the use, everybody's just going to laugh anyways. Nobody cares" laments the boy is full of angst and-
HOLY SHIT THAT'S FRED SAVAGE!
What the hell is he doing here? This is the guy who not only had a hit TV series but also starred in the award winning movie Little Monsters. I'm guessing he filmed this before The Wonder Years, back when life was tough for Fred Savage. In those days he lived paycheck to paycheck taking work wherever he could. He didn't care if he had to teach about dinosaurs or wrestle other boys in the back of a van, as long as it paid the bills.
On a related note my brother had those same bed sheets.
Well Phillip's mother (it turns out Fred Savage's character is named Phillip) yells at him to go to bed.
"But mom, I need an idea for my science project, it's due on FRIDAY!" he says with more emphasis on the word Friday then has ever been necessary in the history of words.
Then it's high time for a fantasy sequence.
Phillip imagines that he is in heaven, and about to give his report, only to find that his binder is full of empty papers. Then the other kids throw paper at him and chant his name while the teacher insistently asks him to give his report.
He looks legitimately concerned here. Fred Savage is either the best child actor ever or the director threatened to kill his puppy is he didn't get the scene right.
We are snapped back into reality with Phillip yelling "I'm going to fail science!" For this scene the director employs what is known as a super close up. If you have a big screen TV you can pause the tape at this point and pretend that a giant is looking in one of your windows.
Mom yells at Phillip some more, commenting on how she doesn't know how anybody can work with all that noise, because you know parents don't understand popular music. To them it's all noise, because when they were young music was all tame not like the crazy mother fuckers in The Police. The hard rock stylings of Deep Purple, Black Sabbath, and Led Zeppelin are nothing compared to the pure unrelenting tenacity of The Police. When they start playing a slow synthesizer laden pop song it means its time to fucking riot.
Taking offense at being called noise, the holy embodiment of Rock and Roll decides to shut up Phillip's mom by playing the greatest song ever, "Mesozoic Mind". I am in no way a good enough wordsmith to explain how awesome this song is. I tried using witchcraft to resurrect the famed poet Sylvia Plath to describe it to you but she won't stop writing about Nazis, and how much she wants to fuck her dad long enough to listen to the song. So instead of describing the song I'm just going to refer you to a site where you can listen to the song before going on any further. I must warn you though, while listening to this song your socks are in great danger of being blown straight off of your feet.
The song "Mesozoic Mind" was performed by the band Charmer who are depicted in the video as being four dinosaurs.
The main guitar player doesn't have any strings on his guitar, but that doesn't stop him from playing like a more intense Eddie Van Halen.
Last night I had a crazy dream,
I fell out of my bed,
I missed the floor entirely,
and fell through time instead.
Through yesterday and history,
and unrecorded time,
a hundred million years flew by,
to Mesozoic times.
Only seconds into the song it has been established that Charmer has the best lyrics ever.
The music video shows us the dinosaurs named in the song to help us learn what the dinosaurs look like. Please note that Diplodocus and Apatosaurus are apparently the same thing, and Corythosaurus is a pussy. Of course I've never met somebody named Cory who wasn't. Hey Cory why don't you run away you fucking pansy.
We are also shown a less than accurate depiction of prehistoric life. I wish music videos would be more accurate. Because of the video for "Don't Come Around Here No More" I spent years thinking that Alice In Wonderland ended with Alice getting turned into a cake and being eaten by Tom Petty.
As the video comes to an end I want to give a shout out to the best band ever, Charmer.
On drums we have the talented D.A. Foley.
On keyboards the sensational Sarah Collins.
On bass guitar the smoothest mother fucker ever, Riff Grounder.
And of course, on lead guitar and vocals, the unstoppable T-REX.
THIS IS CHARMER! PLAY US OUT GUYS!