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Bands VH1 Needs to Stop Talking About

VH1 and VH1 Classics have been showing a lot of rock orientated programs in preparation for the show Rock Honors, where rock bands are honored. For the first episode they are honoring Judas Priest, Queen, Kiss, and Def Leppard. I hate Rock Honors. Why the hell are they honoring Def Leppard? They aren't good, they aren't popular anymore, they didn't influence anybody. Why are they being honored instead of Led Zeppelin or Black Sabbath, bands that actually deserve to be honored?

This is all part of a larger problem with VH1, they talk too much about certain shitty bands. All the rock shows I've been watching lately on that channel demonstrate this perfectly. Because I am an upstanding citizen, I am presenting a list of the bands VH1 talks about too much, so that hopefully somebody from VH1 will read it and the proper measures will be taken to fix this problem.

Warrant

If the only thing you can say about a band is that an attractive woman was in some of their videos then maybe you just shouldn't talk about them at all. Every time people on VH1 talk about Warrant all they do is discuss the girl from the video for "Cherry Pie". That isn't even that good of a video. Big whoop, so she is good looking and cherry pie is code for vagina, who cares? The video may have been hot shit in the 80s, but these days we all have easy access to porn, so we don't need to get off to music videos.

Kiss

Kiss is popular, but not because they have good music. The only reason Kiss is popular is because they look like demonic space men from the year 2022 who spit blood and breath fire. You can take a polka band dress them like that and they will get a devoted following. Notice how when Kiss dropped the costumes in the 80s nobody liked them. That's because when you aren't distracted by interesting costumes then all you have to focus on are the boring songs, which run the gambit of simplistic and boring, to simplistic, boring, and really cheesy. Since they can't talk about the quality of the band's music, VH1 is forced to focus on the fact that Kiss merchandises a lot of stuff and that Gene Simmons claims to have had sex about 10 billion trillion gazillion times.

I do not believe Gene Simmons for three reasons. First, he is pretty ugly, and would only be able to get women to sleep with him if he was famous. But they wouldn't know if he was the guy from Kiss until Kiss removed their make up. So that would account for several years in which he claims to have gotten laid that he wouldn't have actually ever gotten laid. Secondly, he says he keeps track of all the women he has sex with, but if he had sex with as many people as he claims then he would probably get sick of writing down their vital information. I could see him doing this for a little while, but I'm sure after filling out the fifth stat sheet of the night he would just give up. Thirdly, there are not a billion trillion gazillion people in the world.

The only reason VH1 should talk about Kiss is if they are trying to figure out why the drummer chose to have kitty makeup instead of space demon makeup like the rest of them.

Def Leppard

Def Leppard sucks. There's no two ways about it. They were pretty popular in the 80s, but only among women. Watch some footage from a Def Leppard concert, the entire audience is women except for three guys who don't like the music, but do like the idea of being in a huge crowd of women. Def Leppard are to the 80s what the Backstreet Boys are to the 90s. They were popular, but only among women who think the band members are attractive. Nobody listened to either band because they thought they were any good, and nobody listens to either band anymore.

Twisted Sister

Whenever VH1 talks about Twisted Sister all they can talk about is the band's problems with censorship. VH1 can't get over the fact that Dee Snider was able to not make a fool of himself when explaining to Parents Music Resource Center why music censorship is bad, so the band gets to be on every list VH1 makes so that they can talk about that incident. Whether it be Top 100 Hard Rock Bands, Greatest Metal Moments, or Best Rap Duos, you know Twisted Sister will be on the list so that the story can be told again. It got even worse when VH1 made a TV movie about those hearings. Then not only was Twisted Sister featured on those list shows so that they could talk about the hearings, but also to talk about the TV movie. It was very annoying. Twisted Sister should never be talked about because their music sucks and they dress like women. If VH1 wants to talk about the Parents Music Resource Center, they should remember that Frank Zappa and John Denver both also spoke out there and they don't suck.


Now that VH1 knows that they no longer should talk about these bands, they'll need some alternatives to fill up air time. Here are some bands that should be talked about more often:

The guys who sang Macarena

The song may not be very good and the dance is down right embarrassing, but I want to know about the two middle aged men who sing the song. Did they start singing after getting laid off at the bank they worked at, or have they been singing their entire lives and it just took them forty years to get a hit? Did they come up with the song and dance or just the song? Are they still singing songs or have they been gunned down by the Latin mafia? On the list of the top 40 one hit wonders, VH1 talks about them a little but I need more.

The band that sings "Balls to the Wall"

This band is German, sounds like a generic version of AC/DC (or at least a more generic version), and has a lead singer who is a midget. I'm sure they have many amusing stories. If anything VH1 could just talk about "Balls to the Wall", a song with some really sweet lyrics. Here they are in their entirety:

Balls to the wall (repeat for 3 minutes)

The video for "Balls to the Wall" features the midget riding a wrecking ball through a wall. I have no idea how they came up with that idea and I need Dee Snider and that black guy from Living Color to tell me how the band came up with that idea and why I should enjoy the concept.

Wolfmother

I don't know anything about this band except that they have the sweetest name since Los Lobos.

Alice Cooper

Alice Cooper has been making music for nearly forty years now. During his career he had a difficult split with his original band, innovated rock and roll theatrics, spent time in a mental asylum, made a bunch of shitty albums in the 80s, and then stopped making such shitty albums in the 90s. There is plenty to talk about. Unfortunately the only thing he did that VH1 thinks is interesting is the time he threw a chicken into an audience and the audience killed it. Somebody needs to tell VH1 that while the story is somewhat interesting, it isn't the only thing they can talk about.

Sonic Youth

I want to hear about how Sonic Youth used to steal from Peter Frampton's cooler.

Oh those crazy punks, stealing watermelons from old man Frampton.

The Smashing Pumpkins

Why doesn't Billy Corgan look normal anymore? He use to look like a regular Joe but now he looks like a vampire. I'm worried about his health but he won't answer the messages I send to his myspace, so I need to find out what happened from VH1 specials.