The Web BtC

Movies That Are Unnecessary

Batman Begins

Do we really need a movie that tells the origins of Batman? Doesn't everybody already know the origins of Batman? I think the story of Bruce Wayne's parents getting shot has become so ingrained into society that people instinctually know it upon birth, not unlike how salmon know to head up river to spawn, or a sea turtle knows to lay its eggs on the beach. All this movie did was retell the story of how Batman came to be in a really confusing matter involving Tibetan ninjas and a gun that shoots water that makes people crazy or something. What was up with that anyways? Why are the Tibetan ninjas targeting only Gotham? If anything they should be upset at the entire nation for allowing Gotham's decadent ways to continue. Once they trash Gotham all the thugs and low lives aren't going to disappear, they'll probably just move to Jersey.

Wes Craven's A New Nightmare

Don't mess with this guy. He's wearing a trench coat.
I guess Wes Craven thought that the Nightmare on Elm Street  franchise was running a little thin after the 30th installment, so he decided to spice it up a bit. What if Freddy Krueger decided to go after the lady from the first movie, no not the character, the actress? In order to accomplish this Wes came up with a completely absoludicrous reason that Freddy would not only be real but want to kill Heather Langenkamp. Oddly enough despite the entire story being completely crazy, it makes more sense then most of the other Nightmare on Elm Street movies. The trouble is it takes itself way to serious. I'm watching a movie about a fictional character killing people, its okay if it goes a little campy. Making it serious just makes it all the more ridicules.

Plus Wes Craven has Freddy wearing a trench coat. Damn it people, wearing a trench coat doesn't automatically make a person a bad ass.

Any Jaws Sequel

Jaws is a large shark who eats people and is eventually killed. How many times does this story need to be told? They don't even do anything to make it more interesting, like give Jaws the ability to talk, or turn into a tiger. The best they could do was have one take place in Sea World, which wasn't even all that exciting. Hell, they don't even bother explaining why Jaws keeps getting resurrected. It's like in the sequels they aren't even trying.

I will give Jaws 4 a pass however, since that's the one the sweet Nintendo game is based off of.

Johnson Family Vacation

I wish it was the 70s so that they could have named this National Blackpoon's Black Family Vacation, since this movie is just a black person version of National Lampoon's Vacation except somehow not as awesome as you would think a black person version of National Lampoon's Vacation would be. The break dancing scene is way to short.

Exit to Eden

Here's a great idea, a bunch of not all that attractive women go to an island where everybody has sex with people and then have sex with people. Throw in some sort of plot about smugglers and your set for a movie that sounds like it should be a porno, but is neither as erotic nor funny as a real porno. Throw in Rosie O'Donnell, and you can make sure that anybody who happens to catch this on Comedy Central at 3 in the morning will definitely want to kill themselves.

Karate Dog

Movies about CGI dogs that fight crime and sound like Chevy Chase have been done to death. Let's get some creativity going people.


Hey its national Blackpoon's Black Family Vacation but starring a Greek guy who is only funny when he's telling incredibly vulgar jokes about Viagra.

Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties

Garfield doesn't like Mondays? Will the hilarity ever end?
I thought that everybody agreed that the live action Garfield movie was a stupid idea but we were going to write that one off as a novelty. Now I see that not only is there a sequel, but it is an adaptation of the Prince and the Pauper. Movies aimed at kids always seem to use The Prince and the Pauper as a base, but I don't know why, Wishbone already did it better then they ever will, and it's a pretty weak story to begin with. A prince, no matter how few freedoms he has, is never going to switch places with somebody who will probably die of dysentery. One time I saw a TV show where they talked about a German prince who wanted to bring Europe into a new Dark Age by building really sweet castles. How about a movie about him? Or if we need a movie based on classic literature how about Kafka's Metamorphosis. What kid wouldn't want to see their favorite cartoon character get turned into a bug?

The worse part is that the subtitle implies its going to be a take on A Tale of Two Cities. This movie has nothing to do with A Tale of Two Cities. Why are they teasing us with the possibility of guillotine decapitations when there are none?


Fuck you, Adam Sandler.
This movie has the same plot as an episode of The Jetsons. I don't mean "same" as in similar; I mean "same" as in exactly the same. George gets a remote control that does the same thing as Adam Sandler's, and eventually learns that you can't rush through life. Ripping of old cartoons is pretty low. It wasn't even one of the better episodes. I can't think of anything lamer then ripping of The Jetsons.


Good lord this one was a Ducktales.


Yeah yeah yeah, we all know the drill, the environment is good, technology is bad. Godzilla vs Mothra: Battle for Earth had the same moral and that movie had three giant monsters battling it out. All Hoot has is some owls and Jimmy Buffet. The thing is, the only people who like Jimmy Buffet are people who get drunk off of drinks you can buy from Red Lobster.