Great Mullets in History
One may think that the resurgence of the mullet hairstyle is simply a newfound popularity for a wonderful creation of the seventies. But in reality, the mullet dates back much farther, all way back to the dawn of time, in fact. Let us take some time to explore the grand history of the mullet and some of the respectable individuals throughout history who have worn the badest, filthiest hair doo ever.
This picture shows us that the mullet dates back to the cave man days. Without even the most basic of barber tools, primitive man simply let their hair grow out long and filthy. The mullet was born.
Harvard Anthropologist Prof. Robert Hayes explains the important of the mullet to the cave man:
"The mullet gave an appearance of power and ferocity that scared off predators of early man. Be it not for the mullet, modern humans may not have survived. The earth would be ruled by some damn monkeys or black people."
We have no exact account of what Jesus Christ looked like, but all renditions of him made throughout the ages show him wearing the holiest mother fucking mullet ever.
Since the son of God has a mullet atop his head, we can then deduce that God Himself wears a mullet.
Amen.
When America was but only 13 colonies, the King of England outlawed the mullet. George Washington then rallied and led an army of rebels to fight for a free nation where a man could grow a mullet to call his own. General Washington was quite fond of the mullet and even sported one when he was elected our first President. While the mullet George has on his head doesn’t look much like the modern day mullet, we must remember that the mullet, like the wind, is every changing.
The bitter look on his face in the painting is due to the fact that a man had just told Washington to "cut your filthy mullet."
Washington then beat that man to death with his fists.
It is believed that the longest, filthiest mullet ever was grown by Chinaman Wei Zhang, in the early 19th century. This charcoal drawing is one of the few records of Zhang and his mullet, which, as legend says, was to have reached a span of anywhere from 10 to 30 feet in length and was so filthy birds and small mammals nested in it. The front was said to be so all business and respectable that, today, the Presbyterian religion centers largely on worshipping his mullet.
It is believed that Wei Zhang was able keep his mullet in such fine shape by using secret Chinese ingredients, gathered from high in the Himalayan Mountains. For more that a hundred years, men have scoured those mountains in hopes of finding the Secrets of the Perfect Mullet. Alas, all quests have been in vain.
In 1953, Edmund Hillary set out the find the Secrets, and while he did reach the top of Mount Everest during his journey, he failed to reach his true goal, and that destroyed him. He died a poor and pathetic soul, spending his last days penniless, and giving oral services to men behind seedy pubs.
I hope you now have a deeper appreciation for the mullet. God bless.
All information for this article was compiled from Jennifer Pinafore’s fascinating best selling book, The History of the Mullet. Check it out at your local library today!