TwitterfacebookTumblrMyspace
The Web BtC

The True Final Season of Full House Revealed

Most people don't realize it but Full House had an elaborate back story that is hinted at during the run of the show, and was to be fully revealed in the last season. Unfortunately the show was cancelled a season earlier than was expected. The writers lost the chance to reveal the subtle nuances that they had been dispensing in earlier seasons. It would seem that these secrets were to be lost to the cosmos. That is of course until I decided that they needed to be revealed. I was able to obtain this information by bribing and performing favors to the various former writers of the show (Don't worry there was barely any sodomy). For the first time ever, I reveal to you the shocking revelations of the final season of Full House.

Joey

Uncle Joey at a Klan meeting
Uncle Joey at a Klan meeting
The last season was going to be full of shocking revelations regarding Uncle Joey. Most of these were going to be presented during a story arc where he is arrested for statutory rape and child molestation after he is caught having sex with Michelle's alter ego, Sonja. The family is shocked and puzzled after he is caught. Then things get really interesting as the police slowly piece together Uncle Joey's life of debauchery. It turns out he isn't a comedian at all, but rather a drug runner for the Klu Klux Klan. Every time he said he was going out of town to do a comedy show he actually was traveling to Mexico to get cocaine so that the KKK could sell it and buy the expensive kind of bleach, so that their robes could be their whitest. This explains why Uncle Joey can fly a plane in the episode where Jesse goes sky diving, and also why he isn't funny.

Its implied, but not outright said, that he got elected president of the school board so that he would have access to more children to molest. Ironically enough, it is Michelle's black friend who turns Uncle Joey into the police after he has sex with Sonja, thus justifying his hated of black people.

A week after going to prison, Joey is sodomized to death by a black Islamic group.

Michelle

Michelle gets her memory back after the horrifying horse accident, but she also develops a split personality, Sonja, a 27 year old Japanese Go Go dancer with a terrible attitude and unsatisfiable sexual appetite. Awkward times come about when little Michelle slips into this persona and begins hitting on much older men, such as her teacher or Danny's boss. While the family spends a lot of time trying to get rid of Sonja, she does save a lackluster class play with her wild and erotic dancing.

Sonja eventually seduces Uncle Joey (who didn't put up much of a resistance). Michelle's black friend catches the two having anal sex in the back of Joey's van outside of the Piggly Wiggly. This acts as the catalyst for the second half of the season. As the focus turns to Joey and his criminal charges, Sonja comes up less often, and usually just as a comic relief character.

D.J.

D.J. and Kimmy both attend the University of California. However, despite going to the same collage they gradually grow apart. They take different classes and end up with different groups of friends. They both realize that they have vastly different interests. For example, D.J. often goes to the campus movie on Saturdays, while Kimmy spends the majority of her weekends under a pile of drunken frat boys. While they are saddened that they are no longer as close as they once were, they both realize that they have had a great friendship, and nothing can take that away. They both try to make time to spend with the other and keep the friendship going, but by the end of the series they are no longer as close as they once were.

Steve

Steve is drafted and killed in Vietnam

Jesse

Scott Baio is a bastard
Scott Baio is a bastard.
One day Stephanie is looking through old newspapers for a school project when she comes upon a name, Hermes Cochran. It sounds familiar but she is unable to remember where she knows it from. She asks Uncle Jesse if he knows who it is, and with a sigh he reveals that he is Hermes Cochran, a man who was once leader of San Francisco's most notorious street gang. After a drug deal gone wrong, Hermes was forced into hiding, where he took the alias Jesse Katsopolis. One of his former girlfriends told him that she had a sweet place to stay, but was sick of her marriage and planned on faking her death. "Jesse" would be introduced as her brother. Soon after Danny's wife faked her death and Jesse moved in. Unlike the cold temptress whose place he was taking, Uncle Jesse fell in love with the girls and vowed to give up his life of crime. He got out of the gang only by impressing Scott Baio with an impressive bike riding stunt on the roof of the library.

Jesse was legit for several years, but eventually he fell into debt after his advertising business and radio show went bust. In order to keep his luxurious lifestyle, he began a black market Viagra ring. He bought the dilapidated Smash Club and used it as a front for his illegal business. The last season would have him not only revealing his past, but taking it head on, as Scott Baio comes back with his own black market Viagra ring. Uncle Jesse would face off against his own gang for not only his money, but for his family. The second to last episode would have him going into the gang's headquarters, guns blazing, and would end on a cliff hanger with the headquarters exploding. The last episode would have revealed that he had survived the blast.

Nikki and Alex

For unexplained reasons, they would have aged three years since the last season. At one point they are taken hostage by Jesse's old gang, but for the most part they did what they always did, absolutely nothing of interest.

Stephanie

Despondent about being unpopular, Stephanie decides to start sleeping around. She becomes more popular among boys, but not girls. That is until she starts sleeping with girls. Then everybody loves her. Despite Stephanie being well underage, and frontal nudity being taboo on network television, there were plans to have Stephanie bare it all on TGIF, in a move that would be as daring as it would be controversial.

Gia
Gia is the one on the right. Look at that belly button. She is such a slut.
Gia

Hey remember Gia, Stephanie's friend? Neither did the writers.

Danny

Danny is fired from Wake Up San Francisco after he accidentally exposes himself to Cher during a special live episode. Unemployed and ostracized by San Francisco's gay community, Danny turns to drinking to get through the day. Danny is a violent drunk, and he becomes abusive to both his family and Joey. During a binge he takes a swing at Jesse, who responds by hitting Danny in the balls with a 1967 Volkswagen Beetle.

While in the hospital, Danny realizes the last time he was truly happy is when he went on a chartered fishing trip. He realizes that he must become a fisherman. Things are rough at first. The boat he buys leaks, and nobody at the pier likes him. Danny thinks about quitting, but doesn't want to give up on his dream. He realizes that in order to win the respect of the others on the pier he has to win the big fishing contest. In an action packed two-parter he is able to catch the largest fish and win the ten thousand dollar prize.

Strangely enough, the other people on the pier still do not respect him. This is when Danny realizes they are all a bunch of douches, and stops caring what they think. In the end, Danny gets the last laugh when all the other boats are blown up during Jesse's campaign against Scott Baio's gang.

Becky

After Danny is fired from Wake Up San Francisco for exposing himself to Cher, the producers ask Becky who she would suggest be his replacement. She doesn't know, but then settles on Joey because it would bring extra income into the household, being that it's not cheap for nine people to live in one house. She cites Joey's experience on Ranger Joe, Rush Hour Renegades, and that one cartoon with Donny and Marie Osmond, as reasons that he should be hired. An episode with Joey is filmed and does very well. However, soon afterwards he is arrested. The producers are angry that Becky suggested they hire somebody who has sex with children, so they find a new replacement without consulting her. They end up hiring Regis Philbin.

Regis with one of his many sexual partners
Regis with one of his many sexual partners
Regis and Becky do great on the show and have wonderful on stage chemistry. Behind the scenes however, it's a whole different story. Becky can't stand him. Regis is always blasting Red Hot Chili Peppers music from his changing room (Mostly Mother's Milk and Blood Sex Sugar Magic) and slapping her butt while calling her toots. She tries to get Jesse to stop Regis, but after the two of them fist fight in an alley for three hours, Jesse decides that Regis is “pretty cool” and will let him do as he pleases.

Becky keeps complaining to her bosses about Regis, and they finally decide to do something. To determine who stays on the show, both Regis, and Becky will find a special guest and do a segment with him or her. The host with the better segment will remain on the show. Becky gets former president and humanitarian, Jimmy Carter, who she interviews about his causes and experiences. Regis gets The Red Hot Chile Peppers, who tell the audience about the time they all had sex with Jimmy Carter's wife, and then play a 45 minute long version of "Catholic School Girls Rule". Regis is clearly the winner. Becky decides to dedicate herself to her children, and spend more time at home. She also kind of gets fat.

The Last Episode

The last episode begins with the family sitting in the living room, wondering what happened to Uncle Jesse. Jesse would then burst through the front door wearing tattered clothes and covered in blood. Everybody is awestruck until Uncle Jesse breaks the silence with a joke about even after a bloody massacre, his hair is still perfect. Then the opening credits begin.

The rest of the episode would have centered around the preparation for Thanksgiving dinner. While they are preparing the food and enjoying the festivities of the season, they would reminisce about what they had gone through during the last season. While it is common for TV shows to have a final episode where previous episodes are discussed, the last episode of Full House would not be a flashback episode. Rather the memories would be presented entirely in dialogue, which would give the show a more realistic feel, what giving what happened a new feel, as the character described their experinces. Michelle would discuss the difficulties of having a duel personality, and how odd it is to have lost her virginity to Uncle Joey (who she suspects lost his virginity to her). D.J. would talk about the new experiences she has encountered in college. Danny would talk about his career move and the difficulties of becoming a fisherman. Uncle Jesse would talk about how Scott Bao's gang won't be bothering him anymore, and Uncle Joey's ghost will talk about how much he did not enjoy being raped to death

As the episode comes to a close, the family sits down together for Thanksgiving dinner. At this point Danny would give a heart felt soliloquy about what it means to be a family, and how it doesn't matter who is in the family or how they are related, or who has had sex with other members of the family, as long as there is love, and that no matter what problems arise, as long as you have your family's love you will endure.

After the soliloquy, everybody says what they are thankful for. During this part the camera closes in on the person who is talking. When they are finished it moves to the person next to them.

D.J. is thankful that she has all her new friends at college, as well as her old ones.

Kimmy is thankful that college guys will sleep with just about anyone if they're drunk enough.

Uncle Jesse is thankful that he was able to protect his family and business. The twins are thankful that Uncle Jesse is their father.

Becky is thankful that she can spend more time with her family.

Joey is thankful that he is a ghost and not in Hell.

Michelle is thankful that Joey is no longer alive to molest her.

Stephanie is thankful for all the people who like to bone her.

Danny says that he is thankful for all of the love, fun, and memories that they have had over the years. He then says he is thankful for you, the viewer, who made this all possible. He would then thank the viewer for letting them into their homes every week for all these years and sharing their adventures. He would then say thank you, and God bless. Then as the family began eating, the screen would fade out while a montage of clips played set to the song "Forever". After that was finished, the cast would come out from backstage again, the camera would zoom back so that you could see the audience, and they would take one last bow. Then the Champaign would start flowing and the celebration party would begin. Fade to black.