Books That Are Destroying America
Snakes on a PlaneThere is actually a novelization of the movie Snakes on the Plane. A novelization that is about 400 pages long. How do you get 400 pages out of a movie called Snakes on a Plane? The title already pretty much describes the entire movie. There is a plane and it has some snakes on it. What little excitement the movie can generate will be completely lost in written form. Seeing a viper leap out at somebody and bite them in the face is cool when you see it, but reading "And then the viper leapt out at Frank. Frank was surprised and scared by this action. The viper sank its venomous fangs into Frank's face. Frank died from these bites" is pretty boring. Don't you think the book will be any better written either. When a author is told he has to write a book version of a movie, you better believe he phones it in.
The worse part about the book Snakes on a Plane, is that it shows just how far an internet fad will go. It was all fine when all internet people were doing was laughing at the silly name and poorly conceived concept, but now the movie is getting a theatrical release, and is being treated as if it is a movie that people are going to want to see. This fad is completely out of control. What's next? Are other fads going to be made into movies? Will Star Wars kid get a movie? What about a Chuck Norris facts TV series? Its bad enough that we have to suffer through these stupid things on the web. Do we really want them to be in real life as well?
The Alphabet of Manliness
Speaking of annoying things from the internet we can't ignore, here's everybody's favorite one joke internet humorist, Maddox. He is the internet equivalent of Jeff Foxworthy. They both knew that coming up with one funny idea and running with it is the way to make the big bucks. Maddox being rude, coming up with exaggerated definitions for being a man, and making up stories where he does something manly were pretty funny...the first three years he did it. Now it's just old hat.
What really bugs me about The Alphabet of Manliness is that after years of masturbating his own ego and claiming that he will pay all the costs of the site out of pocket because he doesn't want to hamper his own creativity and bother his fans, he stops writing for the site and writes a book which is pretty much the same thing. I guess once somebody offers you good money to write the same thing you've been writing for years you'll give up on you personal beliefs pretty quickly.
I've decided to help out all the Maddox fans out there who are distraught that he doesn't update his website anymore. Don't get angry, don't buy his book, don't look for a new site to visit, all you have to do is copy the articles that are currently on his website to a Word document, and when the references he makes get outdated, replace them with new ones. Now you have of unlimited amount of Maddox at your fingertips.
Captain Underpants
A grown man should not be running around wearing nothing but undergarments while in the presence of small children. That man is obviously a pedophile, and the Captain Underpants series is nothing more then an attempt by pedophiles to make their lurid practices socially acceptable. They hope that readers of their books will not be alarmed the next time one of them pops out of the bushes in nothing but a pair of briefs and sporting a raging hard on. And don't you even get me started on the filth that is Captain Masturbating in the McDonalds Playroom.
Nineteen Eighty-Four
Nineteen Eighty-Four is a fine book, but it is destroying America because people read it, and then whenever they don't like something the government does they compare the government to Big Brother. Don't like the Patriot Act? Then its just like Nineteen Eighty-Four. Disagree with the war in Iraq, then it's just like the war in the book. Mad because the cops busted Jimmy while he was on his way over to smoke a blunt with you? That's the kind of bullshit that flies in the world of Nineteen Eighty-Four. Are you hot for teacher? That's 1984 style there buddy.
For Dummies Books
You know, Computers for Dummies, Airplane Repair for Dummies, Autoerotic Asphyxiation for Dummies (Also known as Don't Do What Michael Hutchence Does). Sure they teach you stuff, but not before insulting you first. This takes all the fun out of learning. Imagine if school was like that, “This is how you diagram a sentence, you little filthy morons.” My third grade teacher was a lot like that. I never learned how to write in cursive because she screamed at me until I cried every day. I didn't want to cry but if I didn't then she would throw phonics books at me. The school board tried to fire her, but she had tenure, and you aren't allowed to fire people with tenure no matter how bad a teacher they are.
Plus do we really want dummies repairing our airplanes?
The Hezbollah Guide to Destroying Israel, with forward by Abu Musab al-Zarqawi.
Sure, most people point out that it's a book about destroying Israel, and hardly even mentions how much America needs to be destroyed, but I've read it, and I think a lot of the same principals could be applied to the United States. Somebody needs to send Hezbollah a stern letter telling them that if they keep printing literature that can be used to blow up America like this, then we will no longer want to support their organization.
Flowers in the Attic
The last thing we need is for brothers and sisters to think its okay to have sex with each other just because they are both locked in an attic. It's hard enough to keep siblings who are trapped in confined spaces from messing around with each other without books telling them it's okay.
The Bible
Has there ever been a book that has caused as much trouble as the Bible? The closest I can think of is Mein Kemph a.k.a. “The Book Written by HITLER”!!!!!!!!! Do you know who Hitler was? A Christian. What book do Christians read? The Bible. Perfect logic that Christians are Nazis who are trying to destroy the Jews, and what do the Jews secretly run? AMERICA!!!!!!!!!
As long as these hatemonger are allowed to keep their hatemongering guide then America is in danger. I hear these hateful Christians have already gotten gay marriage banned. How am I suppose to fulfill my Constitutional right to marry a dolphin if I cannot even marry a gay? America stands for freedom, but how am I free if Jew killing, dolphin hating Christians are able to run around with their manuals of destruction? If America is going to be a free nation under God, then the Bible must be banned and all Christians imprisoned.