One of Nick Jr's Finest Koala Based Cartoons - The Noozles
The Noozles was an insane koala based cartoon that aired on Nick Jr. from November 8, 1988 to April 2, 1993. The show originated in Japan in 1984, where it was called Fushigina Koala Blinky which literally translates into English as "Fucking Insane Koala Happy Super Show".
Being Japanese in origin has to explain why it was so utterly batshit crazy. I have fond memories of watching this program as a tot, but even then I wondered what the fuck was the deal with this series. But, regardless, The Noozles was awesome.
The premise of The Noozles is thus: Little Sandy has toy koala. The toy actually comes alive and has a bitchy little pink sister koala with a magic purse. Both koalas come from this alternate dimension inhabited by magic Australian animals that just float around. Humans aren't allowed in that dimension, or they'll be imprisoned in a bubble. So when Sandy visits crazy Australian dimension, she has to wear a koala mask, which is just enough to fool every magic animal in Australia dimension.
There is a little more to the story, and it's just your luck that we'll get into it, because today, I am going to review the very first episode of The Noozles, entitled:
"Nuzzling with The Noozles: A Magical Adventure"
This is going to be good.
The show starts off with the theme song, one of the best TV themes ever, hands down. The credits are presented at the beginning of the show instead of the end, because the Japs do thing all flipiddy-flop over there. Crazy footage is shown that I don't think has anything to do with the show, as Sandy, the koalas, and Grandma slide down rainbows. I don't know why Grandma is there. She has no knowledge of the Noozles and is really to old to be doing all that sliding down rainbows, she might break her hip.
The story begins with a soothing overhead voice, who asks:
Isn't it strange how the biggest, most important things happen when you least expect them to?
It was a beautiful summer's day along the coast. It seemed like everyone in town was taking advantage of the splendid weather. At the harbor however, an unusual discovery was about to be made. Salvagers were bringing up an old freighter that had sunk many, many years ago. Inside the ship was a box of cargo that would forever change the life of a [expletive deleted] little girl named Sandy Brown.
The ship went down 38 years ago. All the cargo was ruined expect for one box. One MAGICAL box.
You think they would have brought up the ship up to the surface earlier. It only sank right here in the harbor. It was like, twenty feet from land. I think that Harbor Master hasn't been doing his job. The voice continues:
The box was sent by Sandy's grandfather, an explorer who disappeared in the Australian outback 38 years ago. This very special present had been delayed a long time, but now it would finally be delivered.
The episode then cuts to Sandy walking home. When she arrives, she finds a note from her mom telling her to go to the store to pick up things for dinner. Sandy buys an insane amount of meat. Her dad has been gone along time and every day Sandy hopes her father will return. Buying tons and tons of beef is Sandy's strange way of coping with the constant abandonment. Maybe it is because her father liked to grill.
When she gets home, the mailman stops by to drop off the cargo recovered from the ship.
Sandy's grandpa set the box just before he went missing. Sandy's mother and grandmother arrive and they open the box. Inside is a koala teddy bear.
You know, Sandy's dress is extremely short and really inappropriate for a girl of her age. She has to be exposing herself every time she bends down. Perverted Japanese people always drawing little girls with tiny skirts.
Anyway, Grandma explains that she had always wanted a koala as a pet, so Grandpa promised to send her one when he was in Australia, and now she finally has it. Sandy has to then point out that its not a real koala bear, it's a stuffed toy. Sandy's mom then has to tell her, "Sandy, dear, you must understand, it was Grandpa's last gift to Grandma, which makes it very special." To prepare for the day she would get her koala, Grandma planted several eucalyptus trees in the yard. Grandma is really quite senile.
What the hell was Grandma expecting? You can't just take a wild animal from another country to keep as a pet.
Grandma decides to give the koala bear toy to Sandy. Sandy's mom then drives Grandma back to the home for old people with Alzheimer's, leaving Sandy unsupervised again. You know, I think the lack of parental supervision is why Sandy dresses like a slut.
Sandy plays with her stuffed koala. She wants friends, Sandy is so lonely. She mentions how life-like the bear looks, which is silly because it can't possibly be alive. You know where this is going.
Sandy rubs her nose against the teddy bear, which causes some crazy LSD effect.
AND HOLY SHIT THE KOALA BEAR COMES TO LIFE AND STARTS TALKING!
He says his name is Blinky and he is a little stiff from sleeping so long. Yeah, I get a little stiff after sleeping too, if you get my drift. Blinky rubs off his hard on and introduces himself to Sandy. Sandy is remarkably cool with the koala talking.
"You mean you can make the impossible possible?" asks Sandy
"That happens to be my specialty," replies Blinky.
Fuck that, Blinky can't make the impossible possible, that's bullshit. Blinky is implying that he would have a bunch of magical powers. Too bad his only magic trick is a watch that lets you travel back in time, and even then you can't interact with anything or you destroy the time-space continuum...or something.
Blinky finds out that he has been asleep for 38 years. Lazy Australian.
Then Pinky suddenly appears. Pinky is Blinky's little flying pink sister/professional bitch. God damn I hate Pinky. All through the run of the show, Pinky was the antagonist, always trying to fuck up Sandy's life. I was five at the time, but I knew how much Pinky needed to be kicked in the face. Also, check out how often Pinky has to be flashing her kola cooch.
Pinky grabs Blinky and demands he return with her to Australia dimension. But Blinky wants to stay with Sandy. Pinky points out that he can't say with Sandy, because there are no eucalyptus leaves in the vicinity.
Grandma's senility actually pays off here. Sandy directs the koalas to the eucalyptus in the yard. The koalas are surprised and go about stuffing themselves, like the selfish, gluttonous Australians they are. But then Sandy's mother comes home and the two Koalas have to think fast. Pinky high tails it to Australia dimension and Blinky goes back to sleep, so he'll appear just like a stuffed toy again.
Sandy runs to her mother and tells her she has a big surprise. Mother thinks the surprise is that Sandy finished her homework. Sandy is not bright, so that'd be a big accomplishment. Sandy tells her ma about the talking magical koalas. But now Blinky is just a toy. Sandy tries to convince her mom that Blinky is alive, but her mom won't have and heads back to her proper place, the kitchen.
Teddy bear Blinky is stuck in the tree. Sandy reaches way out to grab it, from a two story window. I told you Sandy is not bright.
Oh fuck, Sandy's going to die.
[Part 1 - Part 2]