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I Tell You #7

Christopher WalkenDear Walkenites,

It has been over a year since I last sat down to pen an "I Tell You." Unfortunately, in the summer of 2005, I forgot how to read and did not remember how to again until recently. During that time I appeared in six motion pictures so I was supposed to read and memorize those scripts (note: when I am given a role, I memorize everyone's lines, not just my own) but I couldn't because I had forgotten how to read. So I just made up all my lines. They got mad at me on the set of Man of the Year for screwing up the scenes, but then I set the bathroom on fire so they left me alone. Click would have been an even shittier movie had I followed the script.

I've had to kill a lot of Tibetans to get to where I am today.

I have seen Brokeback Mountain 547 times this month. I like it, but I think it could have used more semen.

My best friend is Dave Grohl of the Foo Fighters. We go to the circus together a lot. And he's my god son.

Only a few people know this, but that famous Carly Simon song was written about me. You know the one: "Tired of Being Blonde".

I own a cat.

Those power blackouts in California were probably my fault. I keep 460,000 Whac-A-Mole games operating in a underground bunker below my house at all times. I will not apologize for this.

That's Jim Dandy!

I send humorous anecdotes about my everyday life to Penthouse and I send erotic letters about my sexual exploits to Readers Digest.

If I had to suggest a good children's movie, I would recommend you have the kids watch Scarface.

Did you know that a pineapple is not an apple? No you didn't, but you do now.

My favorite TV show is Mythbusters.

I can kick Chuck Norris's ass. John Stamos is the real ultimate warrior. Stamos and I once fought one on one on top of Taipei 101. The combined force of our battle caused an 8.5 earthquake that killed 15,000 people, but we only fought to a draw. The only reason we started fighting in the first place was over an argument about Little Debbies. I said Honey Buns were the best, but he claimed Cosmic Brownies were. We compromised by agreeing that Swiss Cake Rolls are overrated.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him pee in Matt Damon's pool.

Look kids, we all know you like to hide liquor in Gatorade bottles. You aren't fooling anyone and you haven't since you were doing this at high school dances, because no one walks around at 1am on the weeknights drinking Gatorade. We adults are just letting you get away with it. But if you are going to put liquor in Gatorade, at least make sure the booze is the same color as the Gatorade would be. Don't pour Jack Daniels or Captain Morgan into a bottle of Fierce Strawberry.

I invented the word "topping".