The Pathetic Adventures of Stanley Stivinky
These are the memoirs of Stanley Stivinky. Soon after his death from an accidental overdose of modeling paint, his family found these writings in his basement room. They decided to release them as a warning to other extreme nerds. They hope that reading these stories will promote others to take steps to not lead a life as terrifyingly lame as he did. For some reason they thought Dumb Baby would be a good outlet for this message.I remember I had a day off, and decided to go to the mall. My intent at the mall was to look at the attractive woman at the Video Rental Store. However soon after I made my arrival, she noticed me and had the manager at the store, a large African American man, evict me with much prejudice. I still had an hour and a half until the next bus to my neighborhood came, so I decided to visit the local hobby store.
This was back in the days when Pokemon cards were huge. Those were great days for avid Pokemaniacs such as me. I tell you, I could really clean up. There were all kinds of kids getting into it because it was the cool thing to do, not for the love of the game like me.
I was browsing the display case, looking for a foil Vulpix that I needed to complete my collection. Some boy, I would put him in the general range of ten years of age, and a girl, whom was younger by a couple of years, came up to the counter.
"Can I have three packs of Spellfire cards?" the boy asked. Then he turned to his sister and said "Mom said I should get you something to, what do you want?"
"I want a Pokemon" the little girl said. Good choice in my book
The boy sighed and said "One pack of Pokemon cards" and then he shook his head. I could easily tell by his body language that he disapproved of her choice. While it was obvious she was not a player, he was hardly one to criticize. Buying Spellfire cards, ha! That is a collectable card game of definite sub-par quality.
The kids left with their packs and I continued my browsing, but found nothing that I wanted. I left a disappointed man. Tis' always a sad day when you put your heart and soul into a search only to come up empty handed. I felt like Goku, when he thought he would finally come across the last Dragonball only to have it ripped away by the Red Ribbon Army.
As I exited the store, I saw the two children from inside. They were opening their packs of cards. I stopped to tie my shoe when I heard something that made me excited.
The girl said "Look at this."
Then her brother responded "Its foil or something. That card's probably worth something." I looked over and she was holding none other then the very card I had been searching for. A plan quickly developed in my mind--a plan so devious that Arnim Zola would be proud. The girl was obviously not a collector, or even a player. She could be duped out of her valuable card like oh so many before her. The trouble was her brother. He seemed to know about how valuable collectable playing cards can be. He would surely make sure I gave her an even price. But perhaps, they would split up. The second they were separated, I would strike like the Cyclones strike at lone star cruisers.
They went from the card shop to KB Toys. I thought this would be my time, surely they would not be interested in the same toys, but fate was against me. They had only come to this store to look at the video games. After a short browsing they were off again. I stayed with them, making sure to keep a good distance. I imagined myself to be Solid Snake, tailing an important scientist with a card key I needed. I just had to wait until the scientist was alone so that I could take my prize for being so cunning.
They went from KB Toys to an Orange Julius stand where they both bought Orange Juliuses. To avoid suspicion I got in line behind them and bought one myself. The Orange Julius in this mall was situated near a plaza that had tables, as well as a fountain. I sat on the opposite side of the fountain. It was a brilliant move. Not even Batman would have suspected me.
I finally got my chance when the boy got up and headed towards the bathrooms. He left his sister alone, a deadly mistake, for now I was going to move in and take away her Vulpix. As soon as the brother was out of sight, I got up, walked around the fountain, and sat at the table. The girl looked surprised and uncomfortable. Time was short, so I got to the point.
"I want you foil Vulpix," I told her. The girl just stared at me wide eyed. This will be easy I thought. "Listen," I told her "I want that card because I am a collector, I am sure we can work out a deal."
At this point I took out my Card Case that I had in my backpack. I always kept this with me in case an opportunity to trade or play came up. That wasn't very often, but when I did get a chance you better believe I went for it. "What do you want?" I asked her.
The girl kept staring at me blankly. Either she was very shy or drove a hard bargain. Either way time was running out. I decided to take the initiative. I took a Lapras and Pickachu out of the case and put it on the table. "How about these two? I'll trade you these two for that card." She sat their silently "I'll also add 20 dollars," I said pulling out the bill from my shoe.
"Isn't that cute?" somebody said. I looked up from my wheeling and dealings to see a very attractive woman standing by us. I mean she was H-O-double T-hot. She made Kagome look like Zirconia. "Is she your daughter?" she asked.
Sensing a chance to make a good impression on a good looker, I decided to make up a story "Yes she is," I said, but to make sure the woman would go for me I added some flare. "Her mother is dead. It's too bad since she misses having a woman around, as do I," I said with a wink. The attractive woman seemed interested and the girl still looked scared. Then that b@stard brother came back and ruined everything
"What are you doing?" he asked. I decided to play it cool.
"Why you remember me, I am your father," I said. Unfortunately the brat wouldn't play along.
"No you aren't. You're that creepy guy who was following us," he said.
The woman reacted negatively to this. "You followed them around, and then lied about being her dad?" she asked, as if this was a bad thing
"It's not like that," I began, but the boy interrupted me.
"He's been following us all day. I only left because I thought we lost him by the fountain." Then he looked at the table and said, "You were trying to kidnap her weren't you? You were trying to trick her into coming with you by using Pokemon card and money!"
"Oh my God!" the woman gasped.
"No it's not like that," I said, standing up. "I was just trying to trade with her."
Simultaneously the woman said, "You were trading Pokemon cards with an 8 year old girl you don't know?" and the boy said "Yeah right."
"Listen, I don't care what you two think," I said "I'm not leaving until I have this little girl's Vulpix in my hand."
Apparently neither one of them actually knew what a Vulpix was because the woman started screaming for help and the boy punched me in my testicles. I fell down and started crying. The boy then picked my Card Case and threw it at my head. The case bounced off my cranium and while in the air it opened, spilling out many of my beloved Pokemon. I crawled on the floor, bawling as I tried to get them all back. At this point the girl showed her brother the card I wanted, and he realized I really was just trading cards with her. Unfortunately, mall security had arrived. They pulled me off the ground, and pulled my arms behind my back, making me drop the cards again. I don't know if it was pain or fear, but at this point I threw up a little bit, getting most of it on myself.
At this point I was sobbing pretty heavily and getting a little hysterical. The boy said that it was all a misunderstanding, but the security guard explained that because an attempted kidnapping was reported they had to take us all in for questioning.
I didn't say much when they brought us to the security center. I was crying too much because I was worried I was going to go to jail and I also threw up some more. Lucky for me the boy explained that he thought I was trying to kidnap her, but I was only trading Pokemon cards with her. When the police heard this they all started laughing hysterically and calling me Pokemon Boy. They let me go with a warning that if they got another report of me harassing children, then I would be banned and may face criminal charges. I never did get back my Pokemon cards. I returned to the plaza to see if I could find any but they were all gone. Some workers at the food booths recognized me and started harassing me about what happened. I ended up missing my bus, and had to walk the five miles home, covered in vomit. The worse part of it all is that I never got that foil Vulpix.