I'm Just Looking for a New Fight Club
For some time, I've been looking for a new fight club to join in the southern Michigan area. Now, I'm not some Johnny Come Lately to Fight Club, in fact, I was the founding member of the Fight Club chapter of Battle Creek. But that one got shut down by Immigration and Customs because we were busing in Guatemalans to fight for quarters. Our president had to spend a few months in jail and the national Fight Club headquarters over in Wilmington, Delaware (Fight Club is a Delaware based corporation for tax purposes) even revoked our charter.
So I had to find a new Fight Club, and I ended up joining the one in Kalamazoo. That went well for a about a week until I was kicked out. Turns out you're not supposed to kick the guy you're fighting in the balls, especially not five times in a row. It's against one of the rules. Whatever. Come on, we all know no one really follows the rules all that closely. Especially not the first two, or else how would all these people know you have a Fight Club in the first place? I've seen the new faces every week, I know people are talking. Nobody pays attention to those rules and we let it slide. But kick a guy in the balls five times and you're done. At least I fought on my first day. I know a lot of the guys who voted to ban me can't say that. And in my defense, what I did was really funny.
Now I have to find a new Fight Club for the second time in a month. I've been looking around the area and I first figured there would be more than a few in Detroit, but I haven't been able to get in touch with them. No one has, really in all the years I've been a Fight Club member. If there are Fight Clubs in Detroit, they don't keep in touch with the Wilmington headquarters. Ann Arbor has a pretty popular Fight Club, or so I hear, and Ann Arbor is just a suburb of Detroit, but I don't want to join that one because it will just be full of a bunch of pussies. There'll be forty frustrated University of Michigan grads, pissed off that they are still working at a coffee shop while having to pay off their loans from grad school and trying to take out their frustration by joining Fight Club, but they fight like little girls. I would like to join a Fight Club in Jackson because that would be the shortest drive, but Jackson doesn't have a Fight Club. Jackson doesn't have much of anything, really. I could start up one there, but I don't think a whole lot of people will want to join a club started by the ball kicker who busses in illegal Guatemalans. There is a big club in Grand Rapids, but that is is longer drive than I would like to take. There is supposed to be one in Flint too, but I wasn't able to find it. I asked an old Fight Club friend for directions, but the place turned out to be a lesbian bar. My "friend" gave me bad directions, but I tell you, those lesbians sure can throw a punch. I still have little bits of mace in my eyes and it is hurts like hell.
My best bet at this point would be to join the Fight Club in Lansing, but I'm having trouble getting in touch with the guys over there. It seems my reputation is preceding me and I might not be allowed in any Fight Clubs anymore. That bites, but Fight Club was getting kind of lame anyway. I mean, don't get me wrong, the fighting part is awesome, but what was the deal with all those times when we had to help make soap? Is this a fund raising thing? No one in Fight Club ever seems that big on washing, so I have to assume the soap is going somewhere else. I mean, I didn't mind having to make soap the first few times we did it, I'm always open to learning new skills. But then we spent too much time sitting down and making soap. I joined Fight Club, not Soap Club. Jeewillikers.
No one ever let me into Project Mayhem either, which is gay. Guys who were in Fight Club a third of the time I was were let it. I wanted to join and find out what was so special about it, but the people already inside would tell me stuff like, "No, you'd call the cops on us just to be a dick because you hate always losing fights." and "We did let you help that one time and you just get drunk and stuck the explosives onto cows." and "We don't like you living in the Mayhem house because you wet the bed and scream in your sleep. Now go make some more soap."
I suppose I have to face the fact that no one in Fight Club wants me to be a member. I don't need them anyway. Just between you and me, I think a good percentage of the guys in Fight Club had their testicales removed. Serious. I figured this out because I tried to kick some guys in the balls during fights, but it didn't have any effect. That's messed up.
Fuck it, I'll start my own brand of Fight Clubs that will be a billion times cooler than Fight Club. I will call it Super Fight Club, there by indicating it's superiority to regular Gay Fight Club. There will only be four rules:
- All members must have balls.
- It is OK to kick a fighter in the balls.
- No making soap. That is for old ladies. Old ladies don't have balls.
- Billy Green never loses a fight again ever. And even if he does, no one can make fun of him for running away and crying about it.
How does that sound, you Fight Club gaywads? Super Fight Club will dominate the basement fighting circuit. It will even be more popular than those backyard wrestling clubs 20/20 does a report on every six months.
Enjoy your soap.