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The Net Authority

[Editor's Note: There is strong suspicion that Net Authority may be an elaborate ruse, an internet prank perpetrated by mikeys comics. I don't know if it is a joke or not, because I find it hard to believe someone who runs a humor site has ever heard of Dumb Baby, while people who hate us make up 70% of our audience.]

The Net Authority describes themselves as an organization "dedicated to the removal of offensive material from the Internet." Being dedicated to the removal of offensive material from the Internet is kind of like being dedicated to the removal of water from the ocean. You will never succeed in your goal, and most people will think you're crazy for trying.

Still having a hobby is fun, and who knows, maybe Net Authority can make a difference. A look in their database shows that they have already nailed offensive websites like President Bush's online biography, and the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation. With these big time offenders under their belt, Net Authority has decided to go after the worst site on the web, Dumb Baby.

Now what exactly has Dumb Baby done to offend Net Authority? Lets take a look:

Dumb Baby is too offensive for a preview picture. Please keep in mind our front page looks like this:

Also keep in mind that FoxxFire's Webpage of Yiffy Furry Art was not deemed to offensive for a preview.

Previews aside, what's up with these offenses we've supposedly committed? Pornography? Blasphemy? Bestiality? If Dumb Baby had this stuff it would probably be more popular. I'm going to have to take a closer look at this Internet Acceptable Use Policy so that I can better understand why they are mad at us.

You would think it would be a bit blasphemous to compare your rule on how people should behave on the internet to The Ten Commandments. The Ten Commandments were written by God's own hand on stone tablets. Do you know how hard it is to write on stone? Very hard, that's how hard it is. All these honkies did was type up some rules in Microsoft Word, which is a lot easier then writing on stone. You think stone has spell check or a delete button? Every time God made a spelling error he had to start over from the beginning. These people didn't even bother coming up with ten commandants. They could barely squeak out five. That's totally lazy, and if there's one thing God hates more then gay marriage, it is lazy people who try to leech off of his work.

Um...no it doesn't. You don't own the Internet, and just because you write something like this it doesn't make it true. For example in the Internet Acceptable Use Policy I wrote it specifically states that all users of the Internet have to have dumps like a truck, truck, truck and thighs like what, what, what, but that hardly seems to be true for the majority of users.

Translation: Anything we don't like is pornography regardless of whether it is considered pornography by anybody else.

What exactly does "Anything that can evoke impure thoughts in the mind of the beholder" mean anyways? Pretty much anything could invoke impure thoughts. In A Clockwork Orange, the crazy rapist guy reads the Bible because he gets off on the violence. Does that make the Bible porn? What if penguins make you think of men in suits, which makes you think of big business, which makes you think of Sony, which makes you think of video cameras, which makes you think of that time you secretly taped your cousin in the shower? Does that mean penguins are pornography?

Okay, this rule seems alright. People shouldn't be hating on other groups just because they are black, Jews, or Lakers fans. I'm not sure why they think Dumb Baby has hatful material. I suppose maybe because Billy uses the term Negro a lot, but we also often praise predominate members of the black community, such as the great Lando Calrissian, and the inspirational leader Black Gambit, so it should all equal out.

If anything on Dumb Baby can lead you astray from your one true God, then you are not very dedicated to him. Does anybody look at our site and go "Hmm this description of how lame Uncle Joey is really makes me not love Jesus anymore"?

The best part of this rule is just how intolerant it is. Net Authority either doesn't realize that not everybody is a Christian, or they don't think other countries have the Internet. According to this law, an informational website on Hinduism would be just as blasphemous as a website dedicated to drawing pictures of Jesus having sex with minors. In fact the Hindu website may be more blasphemous because it doesn't talk about Jesus.

 

God hates those crazy differing political viewpoints. Net Authority thinks this commandment is so obvious that they don't even bother to explain it. I'm not exactly sure what something of an offensive political nature would be, but I think it has something to do with hippies.

Way to completely destroy any credibility you might have ever had before you began equating interracial relationships with bestiality. How the hell is saying that races should not mix not in violation of rule #2? Lying about God not wanting the races to mix is about as hateful as you can get without straight out saying you hate other races.

I would really like to see their justification that races should not mix. It's not something that actually in the Bible, or any other holy book. There were probably some essays written by a nut job priest in the 1850s where he claimed God came to him in a dream and told him that the races should not mix. Then even though he has been completely written off by mainstream society as a wacko, certain groups will follow his word because if you are going to promote something utterly despicable, you might as well pretend that you have God on your side.

Here is an open challenge to the racists at Net Authority. Show me proof that God wants me to marry another white person, and only another white person. No super vague passages that can be interpreted a thousand different ways either. I want explicit proof that people of the same race have to procreate with each other and nobody else, or suffer God's wrath. If you can't do this, then you have to admit that God doesn't care who you marry, and that you only put that rule in because you hate people who are browner then you are. If you can show me solid proof that God wants the races to remain seperate then I will stop calling you all a bunch of redneck racists who are probably the result of incest.