Unfinished Articles
I keep all my articles for this site in one big folder on my computer. When an article is finished, I upload it to the website server and schedule it to be made public. But there are a lot of articles I never finish because I am lazy and not very funny. These unfinished snippets of full articles are what I am showcasing this week because I want to get them out into the public. Also, I need to clear up space in my hard drive.Jake in Progress
This was the title of a short lived sitcom starring John Stamos in the 2004-2005 TV season. I had planned to write more for this, but I neglected the article for several months and then learned that the show had been cancelled. Here is what I had typed out:
"I don't know what to say except for the obvious: Canada sucks."
- John Stamos Jake in ProgressEver since Full House ended its run in 1995, it's been a long ten years waiting for John Stamos to return to TV and give us another awesome show. Well the wait is over my friend. Introducing Jake in Progress, John Stamos' newest foray into television, and it is fucking sweet. The entire premise is simply awesome: it's an entire half hour of John Stamos having sex with the ladies. Who could ask for a better idea for a sitcom?
Honestly, I don't know how this show got past the FCC, because it very clearly should be classified as pornography. It's on broadcast television for crying out loud. I just wish it was on HBO so we could see some real nudity. But John's massive cock is just too much for the fat cats in Washington.
The Cast
John Stamos
The star of the show. The man with sweet hair and sweet penis.
That Woman from Just Shoot Me
Do you remember the show Just Shoot Me? No? That's ok, no one really does. It was a sitcom on NBC that starred David Spade and this woman. It was an okay show, not one you went out of your way to watch, but if you happened to be home when it was on, there was a better than 50% it would make you laugh. I should write an article about that show someday.
Ok, so, this woman plays Jake's boss, I think. She's also the only woman on the whole damn show who hasn't succumbed to John Stamos' pheromones and slept with him, so I have to give this woman mad mad mad props for her self control. I don't think I could last that long around John Stamos without wanting to sex with him.
That Guy from The Drew Carey Show
Man, the Drew Carey Show was good stuff. I always liked it, except for the last couple of seasons when it stopped being funny, and ABC hated it so much they refused to air entire seasons, even though they were already filmed and paid for.
Anyway, this man was one of Drew's coworkers. His character is best known for having sex with the really, really old woman who owned the company, so he could get a promotion or something. Or maybe he just liked boning women his mother's age for odd psychological reasons. I forget the details; the Drew Carey Show was never strong on continuity anyway.
Well, it turns out ABC decided to forgive him for being on Drew Carey and rehired him for this show. On Jake in Progress, he plays Jake's good married friend.
Some Other Guy
I don't know this guy, what other acting work he has done, or what his name is. That doesn't matter. In the show, he plays a magician who has a hard on for David Blaine and is really bad at magic.
That's all I have to say about that. I even gave this guy a smaller picture because he is that lame.
The Foxy Bitches
These are some of the girls that are fortunate enough to have John please their woman hole every week.
John Stamos' Massive Penis
It is quite large and powerful. Here is a chart comparing its size to the nation of Australia.
It's worth pointing out that this is not John's first post-Full House show. In 2001, he starred in an unsuccessful drama series called Thieves that was cancelled within two months. I think the reason that show failed was because John didn't spend the entire show having sex. The network and John learned their lesson, they need to give America what they want, and American wants to see a show where John Stamos has lots and lots of sex.
Show Network Number of Viewers 1 Jake in Progress ABC 1,000,000,000,000,000 2 American Pop Music Whore - Tue FOX 15,000,000 3 American Pop Music Whore - Wed FOX 14,000,000 4 CSI CBS 18,000,000 5 Dirty Housewives ABC 17,000,000 6 Survivor: Detroit CBS 13,000,000 7 Charlie Sheen and Two Other Guys CBS 12,000,000 8 9 10 Law and Order: Sex Perverts Unit NBC 8,000,000 Notice that more people watch Jake in Progress than live on Earth. I can't explain it either.
On April 7th 2005, John appeared on Late Night with Conan O'Brien. He and Conan spent the whole interview discussing each other's hair, because they both have unbelievably sweet hair. There was so much sweet hair in that interview I thought I was in heaven..
Ok, that's all you really need to know about the show. Be sure to watch Jake in Progress every Thursday at 8pm on ABC. Or you'll be thrown in jail.
Have Mercy!!!
Blue Collar Dolls
Man, like Jake in Progress, I don't even think Blue Collar TV is on the air anymore. I had wanted to do an article about these Blue Collar dolls--yes they made dolls out of the Blue Collar comedy guys.
I was going to write about how I didn't like the Blue Collar dudes (except for Ron White) and was going to make fun of each of them, but it was hard to come up with something to write down, since I don't know much about any of them. I didn't have anything to say except that the Larry the Cable Guy doll could have used some more stuffing.
And honestly, while we are on the subject, I don't have a problem with the Blue Collar troupe. I just don't find them funny. That's a matter of personal taste. I know some liberals really hate Larry the Cable Guy because they feel his act is racist and he is a phony. You see Larry the Cable Guy is not his real name. Really? It's Daniel Whitney? And here I thought "the Cable Guy" must have been a Dutch surname. You mean he is really a rich entertainer and not a blue collar cable company employee? Without your amazing detective work, I never would have guessed that it's all an act. All of us in rural hick America get it, he's playing a character. That's fucking obvious. We understand the concept of showbizness. Man, they only thing I hate more than Larry the Cable Guy are people who are ridiculously obsessed with hating Larry the Cable Guy.
Now here's something. It's a clip of Larry as a comic from the 80's before he created the Larry persona. At least it had better be from the 80's. If it was from 1998, I can see that he started dressing like Larry so he would stop getting beaten up.
The Japanese Need to Stop It with the Killer Robots
This article was based off a silly post I made in an internet forum. I was going to expand it into a full article, but I never got past making it bigger than the internet post.
Am I the only one fed up with all these damn Japanese Killer Robots flying around? Look, I enjoy seeing two 75 foot tall robots battle in the downtown of a major city as much as the next person. It's not something you get to see everyday and I'm sure it entertains the tourists. But the property damage has to be pretty extensive from one of those and do you think a building's insurance covers giant robot damage? No it doesn't. Sure at the end of the day the robot's design team had a lot of fun and a few people did well betting on a winner.Not that I wouldn't like to own a robot. I would very much enjoy owning a Giant Flying Robot. In fact, I would enjoy it very much. You see, with a Giant Flying Robot, I could avoid traffic jams because I could fly everywhere. Plus, I would never need to buy gas again, because robots are fueled by love.
Johnny Cash's Ghost Wants to Fuck Some People Up
I started this a few months after Johnny Cash's death, which was three years ago. The premise he is kicked out of hell and fights people on Earth. I didn't get around to writing about him fighting anyone, though I planned to have him fight Tom Cruise. I forget what I was going to say about that fight, maybe something about Tom Cruise being a Scientologist and nuts. That would be the obvious way to go. I shelved this article for that reason and because it would have been too much like The Adventures of Jack White from two years ago.
On September 12, 2003, country music singer Johnny Cash passed away, and his soul was soon sent to Hell. After death, he actually ascended to Heaven, but his stay there lasted only a mere two and a half hours. He got off to a bad start with the authorities when he decided he was going to run Heaven and take it over from God. He made a ruckus by kicking the angel Gabriel in the teeth and giving Saint Paul a tittie twister. He then stormed into God's office, punched the Almighty out of His chair and then beat Him repeatedly with a lamp. It took 350 heavenly solders to finally tackle Cash and throw him out of Heaven and down into Hell, but not before he boned the (former) Virgin Mary in six different places.Here's how the article would have ended:Down in Hell, Johnny Cash was pretty miserable. Not because he was being eternally tormented by Satan, no the devil was freaking afraid of Cash and left him alone.And Cash was able to amuse himself for awhile by urinating on and pulling Princess Diana's hair, and also by ripping the brakes of Christopher's Reaves's wheelchair then shoving him down steep hills. Cash's main complaint was that he was sweating his "huge fucking balls off" all day. Black clothing does help one stay cool in hot temperatures.
He also was annoyed thinking about all the people who were still alive on earth who needed an ass whooping. Living it up and being assholes who won't experience the Man in Black's foot in their face.Dumb Baby has a off shore subsidiary in Hell that we use to trade arms with North Korea. We were altered to Johnny Cash's frustration when he came into the subsidiary's office with a chainsaw and laid a Cleveland Steamer in the board room.
To channel the ghost of Johnny Cash and bring him to earth so he could kick some ass, we enlisted the helpof renewed physic Miss Cleo.
Miss Cleo used Tarot Power to bring Johnny Cash's ghost back from the dead. As soon as Johnny Cash's ghost arose, he kicked Miss Cleo in the stomach, ripped off her head and played basketball with it. Johnny Cash was ready to rumble.
Fight 1: Johnny Cash VS Tom Cruise
Johnny Cash hates Tom Cruise.
Johnny realized he left all his Jim Bean back in Hell, so he decided to stop fighting and go back down there. But the Devil locked the door to Hell to keep Cash out, and pooped himself in fear when Johnny Cash came back to get his booze.So now the soul of Johnny Cash resides in Valhalla, where badass Vikings go when they die.
Summer Media
This was going to be an article where I wrote a little bit about movies and TV shows and albums that came out in the summer of 2006. I wasn't going to see most of what I would review, I would just base my reviews on their commercials. I never got around to this one because I spent most of my summer computer time occupied with Boycott the Caf. Anyway, among the things I had planned was a write up of The Lake House where I mocked the stupidity of the premise. You see, Sandra Bullock and Neo fall in love through some letters at a lake house, but they are living two years apart. I didn't understand why they just couldn't meet up, two years is not that big of a difference. Then someone told me that one of them is dead two years, so they can't. I hope Neo was the dead one. He probably crocked after he ate something off the ground.
I was also going to write about Dog Bites Man, a TV show on Comedy Central. I would have said that Comedy Central is now only greenlighting shows that make fun of the news. That's all I had to say.
Ok, that's it. I have some more unfinished articles, but I might get around to completing those some day. But this was good because I didn't have anything written for this week and am really behind on this website.