Dumb Baby is Branching Out in New Directions
The internet humor business isn't exactly booming these days, and bills are starting to pile up. We've already had to start renting out rooms in the Dumb Baby offices to illegal immigrants just to keep the operation going. So in order to keep the IRS from confiscating the website, Dumb Baby Enterprises is going to branch out in new directions. If you like the way we make you laugh, then you should love these other money making endeavors we are adopting.
Cell Phone Services
You know those commercials advertising different cell phone services, where if you text them a message they charge you obscene amounts of money to send you some something back? Well now you can do that with Dumb Baby.
For the Dumb Baby joke of the day, text 1-666-Dumb-Baby-enterprises with the word “joke of the day” in the message. Remember, the number is case sensitive, and if you do not use the correct upper and lower cases in both the message and phone number we will not send you a joke (although we will still charge you for the service).
Here is just a small example of the jokes you will be receiving, and heavily charged for:
- Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night... One was assaulted.
- What did the apple say to the orange?
Nothing stupid, apples don't talk.
- Famous last words of a mafia hitman: "Who put the violin in the violin case?"
That is the kind of humor that is well worth the three dollars a text message.
Text 1-666-Dumb-Baby-enterprises with the word “dating services” in the message to get our patented Dumb Baby love advice. Sure none of the people on the Dumb Baby staff know what to do around women, but that won't stop us from telling you how to get laid. Here are some example messages you will be receiving:
- Get her really drunk
- Make sure it's a women
- Date rape is still rape
Can you imagine ever getting by without that information? Our text message service will guarantee you get some action within a year, or you get an additional month of dating advice free.*
*Free as long as you respond to each message sent to you with a text message to 1-666-Dumb-Baby-Enterprises with the word “Free for one month” in the message title. Failure to do so will result in you getting charged double.
Adult Swim Cartoon
Dumb Baby currently has a cartoon in development for Adult Swim. The concept is that Billy and I have crazy ten minute long non sequitur adventures. Generally the story will be off beat, with some sort of goofy idea. In the pilot episode for example, we decide to get a sandwich but the restaurant we go to is run by a rapping alien cow. How crazy is that? Normally you would not find a rapping alien cow running a restaurant. Expect every single episode to be this wacky. Some people might think that if everything is wacky, then it will become stale and boring. They are wrong.
The animation on the show will be very simplistic. In fact it will be simplistic to the point where it looks horribly ugly, but we meant it to look horribly ugly, so that really makes it good if you think about it, and by think about it I mean if you try to justify it by claiming it was a conscience choice, and not just the result of a lack of budget and money. The jokes are all going to be very simple. I don't want anybody to not get something just because it's too subtle, or clever. The jokes will mostly be somebody getting hit or something random happening. Like in the pilot we're working on, when Billy and I go in the sandwich shop a leprechaun will jump out from behind the counter and hit us with a baseball bat. See that is unexpected and thus funny. One of us would then say something that is not PC like “What's up with that fucking midget” but fucking would be beeped out. Nothing is funnier then when a swear word is censored so we will do this all the time. It will show that we are way to xtreme for the censors. There will also be realistic looking explosions that will be out of place from the animation, and thus funny.
I realize that Adult Swim doesn't really do a lot of shows like this, but I think we have a good chance of succeeding. They are already giving us a lot of support. Adult Swim is going to begin advertising for the show soon, even though we won't be going on the air for at least a year. These commercials are going to be done in the most annoying way possible, because being annoying and not wanting to make your target audience happy is totally cutting edge and cool.
Books
Dumb Baby has two books coming out. One will be a collection of our best articles, and the other will be a collection of our best comics. Since we don't really have all that many articles or comics, we will just have all of them in the books. These will be hot items this holiday season. Who wouldn't want to pay 20 dollars for something they can get on the internet for free? A great man once said “You can't bring the computer in the bathroom with you” and that sentiment is correct; unless you have a laptop and wireless internet. I do happen to have a laptop and wireless internet, but I still don't go on the internet while pooping because I think it's indecent.
Cereal
Coming this spring unsold boxes of Tiny Toon Adventures cereal will be repackaged and sold as Dumb Baby Puffs. If you're concerned that the cereal will be inedible due to its age, don't worry. The original was so bad that it could only get better with time.
Tiny Toon Adventures cereal was not well marketed to the cartoon loving audience. Instead of marshmallows shaped like characters or something similar, Tiny Toon Adventures cereal was just a bunch of letters. The explanation given was that you could use the letters to spell out the words Tiny Toon Adventures. It was the weakest explanation for an oddity in licensed cereal since the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle cereal had Chex in them and claimed they were Ninja nets. But trust me; having random letters for Dumb Baby cereal makes perfect sense. We use letters on this site all the time. See I just used some right there.
Dumb Baby Girls Gone Wild
I've never actually seen any of the Girls Gone Wild videos, but from what I can tell from the commercials on Comedy Central they are getting more complicated and expensive. The first few had a simple concept: drunk girls get naked and don't get paid. But now they're renting islands so that porn stars can compete in American Gladiator games naked, and sending them on a space shuttle to be naked in space. We here at Dumb Baby plan on taking advantage of these high cost endeavors of the Girls Gone Wild folks. We will be taping drunken girls and selling the tapes, but will keep costs low and pass the savings on to you.
Early attempts at this, by walking around local beaches and asking girls to flash us, were mostly unsuccessful. We mostly encountered moms with their children, and prudes who would not get naked and instead called the police. We then tried taping naked chicks at drunken frat parties. This also ended in failure because nobody who works here is in a fraternity and frat boys only let women into their parties. What a bunch of assholes. I asked several of my female friends to get naked while I taped, but they all refused, and some punched me in the neck. So things are going a little slow, but trust me, this will come out eventually.
T-shirts
Sure there's the Dumb Baby store, but the real money is in clever shirts that have something funny or sarcastic on them. Trust me these shirts from the upcoming Dumb Baby clothing line will beat anything you'll find elsewhere. Not even Hot Topic can top our clever witticism. Check out these examples.
Mystery Solving
Me, Billy, and my talking pet bunny Loppers are going to all pile into my mom's old 1992 Astro Van and start traveling the country, solving any mystery that comes our way. There's no mansion too haunted, or castle too oddly misplaced in a swamp in Louisiana that we won't investigate. We'll even solve mysteries in sorority houses and strip joints free of charge.
You may notice our mystery solving aims are very similar to those of the Scooby Doo gang, or Speed Buggy. Well trust me, we're way better then those Hanna Barbera pussies. You won't see us wasting time running away and setting up net traps. We'll all be packing heat. If the ghost of the sea captain isn't really a ghost, well he will be when we're done with him. He jumps out to scare us, BAM! Then we unmask him, send the body to the morgue and that is that. Sure not everybody will agree with our tactics, the police mostly, but nobody will be able to argue against our effectiveness.