Christmas Gift List
I had finished this article awhile ago and then I sent it to Billy. Unfortunately, he never received it. It was intercepted by the Cyber Vampires from the Future. Yes, the Cyber Vampires from the Future are often trying to shut down Dumb Baby by preventing Billy from receiving my articles. This happens all the time. It usually isn't a big deal, but since this is a Christmas themed article I thought that maybe an explanation was needed. I could have just given up on this one, but I don't want to let the Cyber Vampires from the Future think that they can beat us. Also there is one part that is sort of funny.
There's snow on the ground, reindeer in windows, and Jews are grumbling about the lack of attention. It's Christmas and you know what that means, big prizes and cash rewards. It's time to celebrate peace on Earth and goodwill to man by giving each other expensive gifts, which, despite what Christmas specials want you to think, is a really good tactic because you aren't going to go to war with people who give you stuff. Gift giving is the reason that America never got involved in Rwanda.
Well, in the spirit of the season I decided to write out my gift list and comment on why I want these things. Originally this started out as a joke I made on the Forumatorium but the more I thought about it the more I liked it. So here is the list of stuff I want for Christmas. Don't worry about trying to buy this shit for me or anything, I'm no cam whore and I think it would be weird to have random people buy me stuff. If you want to send money or naked pictures that's cool, but no need to send me gifts. Your happiness is the only gift I need.
Wagan 2045 SelfCharge Auto Jumper
My car keeps stalling on me. Rather than getting the problem fixed I'm just going to keep an auto jumper in my trunk and jump start the car every time I'm going to drive someplace. Some people might say this is not a very good solution, well I say fuck you. If you got a better idea I'd like to hear it. No, I'm not going to the mechanic to get the problem fixed. That's stupid. Shut up your face.
A Nintendo Wii
The Wii is great. It has awesome multiplayer and attracts gamers and nongamers alike. Women don't play video games, but I'm sure I can attract them with the innovative fun of the Wii. I'll go up to some find looking lady and ask her if she wants to come to my apartment and play with my Wii. I will explain that my Wii is white, and even though it is smaller and less powerful then other units she will find that it is fun in its unique kind of way. I will tell her that she can have a good time swinging my Wii around, it is great exercise. My Wii can be used to hit tennis balls, thrust like a sword, or even to shoot people as a gun. Every time I, or somebody else puts their hands around my Wii, we are all going to enjoy the experience.
So yeah, Wii, sounds like wee which means penis. Nintendo kind of dropped the ball on that one. Revolution was a way better name.
A shirt that says "No Fat Chicks"
My last one got ripped apart by some angry fat feminists because they thought it was too "insensitive." Those fat feminists are stupid retarded monkey dykes and can go suck a bucket of dicks. If I don't want fat chicks then by God I am going to advertise that fact on my shirt! It is my constitutional, nay, biblical right to say NO to fat chicks.
Anal Massager
This is an inside joke for the people of the forum. If you don't go there it's just funny because it massages my anus, but for like five people it's going to be fucking hilarious.
The Regis Philbin Christmas album
This album must rock. The Red Hot Chili Peppers are his backing band and the songs are all about their exploits during the yuletide season. Here is a track list:
1.
Where Do We Cum For Christmas?
2. White Christmas/Catholic School Girls Rule
3. Marshmallow World
4. Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas (4 On 1 Slamma Jamma)
5. Rudolph The Red Hot Chili Reindeer
6. Baby It's Cold Outside (Let's Heat it Up in Here)
7. Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let Her Blow
8. I'll Be In Your Home For Christmas
9. Winter Lady Land
10. I Rang Her Silver Bells
11. Flea Is Coming To Town
12. The Christmas Thong
Mallrats on DVD
I honestly don't know why I don't already own this. This is by far the best movie Kevin Smith ever made. It even beats out Clerks and Vulgar.
The Complete Calvin and Hobbes Box Set
I am all about spending 200 dollars to get all the Calvin and Hobbes comics. It's huge and hardcover. If I put it on my bookshelf I can make people think I'm smart as long as they don't look closely enough to see that it is a bunch of comics and not some huge book about smart people stuff. It may be bulky and expensive, but Calvin and Hobbes are worth it.
Wait, what's that you say? I can get a year subscription to Mycomicspage.com for $14 that will get me access to all the Calvin and Hobbes comics, but other comic strips as well? Fuck yeah. Fuck the box set, I'm going to go with the deal that $185 cheaper and doesn't weigh 50 pounds. Plus, I can look up Garfield too. Remember that time he squashed a spider? That was fucking gold.
Fine Scotch
I've never drank fine scotch because I am poor and the liquor store that's next to my house only sells beer and whiskey that the owner makes in his back yard. I want some really good scotch so I can know what its like when rich people get shit faced.
A smoking jacket
What am I, a savage? I can't be drinking scotch in a faded Loverboy t-shirt. I already have a top hat and monocle, but I'm also going to have to have a nice smoking jacket if this thing is going to go down.
That Girls Gone Wild with Snoop Dog
I like the idea of watching Snoop Dog force white women to take of their clothes but I can't buy it myself because it would violate my probation and a restraining order from Snoop Dog.
Degrassi DVDs
I really need to actually watch Degrassi sometime to figure out plotlines and who people are or I run the risk of Billy kicking me off of Boycott the Caff. I need Boycott the Caff in my life. It is the only place I can talk about Spinner's boner without getting yelled at or kicked out of the circus.
Don't Cross the Boss
That's not just a kick ass VHS tape, it is also sound advice. Even though Earl's boss appears to be a triceratops, and therefore not a meat eater, he looks pissed and is huge. If Earl crosses him then he will be destroyed to DEATH!
I know of this one Family Video that has this tape. For some reason it's not for sale. It seems like every single other VHS tape there is for sale, and even a lot of the DVDs. I guess Don't Cross the Boss is in such high demand that selling it would cause them to lose way too much rental money.
Chip and Dale: Rescue Rangers for the Nintendo.
I don't really want this game, I actually own it. I just wanted to point out that the theme music for the game sounds just like the theme music from MacGyver. That is pretty sweet. One time, I was watching MacGyver and my roommate thought I was playing the game. As an aside, how sweet is it that I had a roommate who thought there was nothing strange about me playing a Nintendo game about Chip and Dale or watching MacGyver?
Meerkat Manor season 1
Have you seen this show? It's fucking nuts. Some researchers put a bunch of cameras in the desert and began taping meerkats. Then they made a TV show about it. The meerkats run around and the narrator tells us what they are doing and why. The thing is, they named all the meerkats and it's set up kind of like a soap opera. So we watch in anticipation. Will Mozart get kicked out of the group again? Will Flower's children survive? Is Carlos going to sneak back and fuck another chick? That's one of the recurring themes of the show, Carlos sneaking over from his group to fuck all the ladies on the show. I love that name. Carlos is totally the name of the guy who impregnates several women.
In a related note, Microsoft Word does not recognize the word "meerkat." It does recognize the word Chewbacca. Isn't that kind of odd? What does it say about society when we talk about Chewbacca more than an actual living creature? I think it means society is doing pretty well because Chewbacca kicks ass!
The Dark Tower VI: Song of Susannah
Over the past few years I've been working my way through Stephan King's Dark Tower series. I took a little break after reading Wolves of the Calla because that was a really shitty book. I would like to think it was a fluke, but Wizard and Glass was kind of weak too. I've noticed that Stephan King's other books have generally gotten worse as time goes on but Wolves of the Calla takes the cake for being the shittiest Stephan King book ever.
What's wrong with it you
ask? How about the fact that it is 714
pages long and nothing interesting happens on any of them. Instead of paying attention to any of the
established characters large parts of the story is focused on the priest from
Salem's Lot. I guess if I had read
Salem's Lot I would be stoked, but I haven't so I don't care about him or his
long boring story. I care about the
mother fucking Gunslingers who should be running around kicking ass, not sitting on their asses listening to some
old guy. Then there's the wolves
themselves. These guys are supposed to
be badass. They are robots who dress
like Dr. Doom but with wolf faces and fight with light sabers and those flying
metal balls from Phantasm that are like a long range juicer. One of these guys should be tough to handle,
and in the book they come in a group of twenty. I was expecting two thirds of the book to be about fighting these
guys, and it should have been a fucking blood bath. Instead the wolves are killed off in one page. That's it. The fight wasn't even a full page. Fuck that noise; here is how I would have written the story
Chapter 1: Tyrannosaurus Death
Roland and his Ka-tet were walking through the woods when a man ran up to them.
"Help us Gunslingers. The Wolves of the Calla are attacking our village. They are totally badass because they look like Dr. Doom but with light sabers and those balls from Phantasm."
"Don't worry, we'll take care of these punk ass jibe turkeys," Roland said.
"Yeah, we'll take care of them, but first I'm going to make some stupid joke that isn't funny and nobody will get," said Eddie.
"Shut the fuck up crack head," Roland kneed Eddie in the balls, "Nobody thinks you're funny and you're always ruining shit. God I hate you."
"Come on Roland that wasn't nice," Jake said.
"Shut up you stupid little bitch or I'll throw you off another cliff," Roland yelled, "It'll drive me crazy eventually but I should have a good book and a half of sanity before I go nuts again."
"Damn cracka, you crazy, after we kill those bitch ass wolves I'm gonna suck your gun, ha!" Detta laughed.
The next 500 pages is the most kick ass fight scene ever. The entire time Roland would be a totally sweet and save Eddie's life like 20 times. Then the last chapter is Roland and Detta fucking hardcore while Eddie cries in the next room because he's so lonely.
The End